Categories > Cartoons > Futurama

The Cyclopian Ranger

by P0isonIvy543 0 Reviews

Leela is in for a Wild West style quest when she and the gang head to the planet Mountain Town that's been taken over by savage Amazon Women.

Category: Futurama - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Characters:  - Published: 2013/09/17 - Updated: 2013/09/17 - 4256 words - Complete

Story: The Cyclopian Ranger

by: Zoey Webber


On a distant planet called Mountain Town that was neighboring planet to Saturn's moon Titan there was a flying stagecoach. Inside that stagecoach was Fry, Leela, and Bender. Leela was driving it while Fry and Bender were inside as the passangers. They were on their way to deliver a golden chest of coins to the residents of Mountain Town. The planet was a rugged terrian and they were miles from civilization. There were canyons, mountains, catci, and desert all around.

BENDER: Aww, man! When will we reach civilization?

FRY: We need to deliver these gold coins to the people here.

LEELA: Patience Bender. It's 10 more miles. So zip it! gives Fry and Bender some coins

FRY: Awesome! laughs childishly This is going in my coin collection!

BENDER: You don't have a coin collection! What the hell am I going to buy with this cheap piece of beep?

FRY: How much more longer?

BENDER: I keep expecting Gene Autry to show up! I prefer him to you, Leela!

FRY: Isn't there a sheriff there?

LEELA: There is. He wants this golden box of treasures....

BENDER: Hope there's a pawn shop in this town! I'll steal it and keep the money for myself!

FRY laughs: That is so Bender, dude!

BENDER: This planet is so boring! It's like Wyoming before celebrities put swanky shops all around.

FRY: Are we there yet?

BENDER: Yes, Leela? ARE we there yet!

LEELA: Don't you start with that! This is no time to be stupid during an important mission.

FRY: Sorry. I'll be good.

LEELA: So no 'are we there yet's. We're not The Simpsons.

They all hear another stagecoach approaching them and catching up to them.

FRY: We got company!

BENDER: This reminds me of City Slickers!

LEELA to the stagecoach: Can I help you?

The reveals herself as Raven. The Goth Amazon Woman who tries to run Leela off the track.

RAVEN: Get out of here! I'm the sheriff in these here parts! Don't like outsiders in my planet!

LEELA: You're the sheriff? Since when?

RAVEN: Since now! Me and my Amazon Women friends have taken over this planet.

FRY gulps: I have a bad feeling about this....

BENDER: I don't! If they kill you and make me a trustee, I have no problem with that....

RAVEN: Get out of this planet now you man lover! rams into Leela's stagecoach

LEELA yelps: Take this! rams into Raven's stagecoach.

RAVEN: You won't get away with this......

Leela's stagecoach gets bumped into by Raven's which causes Leela to fall off and end up into the back as she struggles to get on. Raven jumps into Leela's stagecoach and takes over. She even takes the golden treasure chest.

FRY screams: What's happening?!?!

BENDER: Who cares? I love chaos and disorder!

RAVEN: Nice golden chest! Think I'll take it! By the way, we don't like man-loving women like you in this planet, one-eye! You're about to become the 'Fall Guy'! rams into Leela's stagecoach.

LEELA falls and gets back on the stagecoach: That's not yours! I'll stop no matter what..... Don't worry Fry and Bender.......I got this......

Raven speeds up the stagecoach and Leela falls off again and she holds onto the back. Leela is now being dragged into the rugged terrian.

RAVEN: Hey, man loving cyclops bimbo! What's your favorite ice cream? Rocky Road? evilly crackles

Leela can't hold on anymore and she watchs Raven take away her stagecoach with Fry and Bender inside. Raven destroys her stagecoach that she had before she had taken over Leela's so Leela won't go after her. Leela is left in the desert terrian and Fry and Bender are wondering what's happened?

FRY: Ooooohhhh. I wonder who's driving the stagecoach?

RAVEN appears in the window: I AM! I am your captain and master now! I am taking you both back to my headquarters so you can be my snu-snu slaves! crackles.

FRY: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

BENDER: All right! Awesome Baby! Make this boring trip for interesting! HA HA!

Leela watches her stagecoach disappear into the sun. She gets up and tries to find them.

LEELA: Fry! Bender! Don't dispair. Don't be discouraged......

After an hour, all seems hopeless as Leela was walking along the hot desert sun.

LEELA: Don't think I can make it in all of this heat. Won't.....fail......now......Fry......I'll coming to.....passes out

After a while, she faints and is taken in by a mysterious stranger.



In an underground cave, Leela wakes up and finds herself surrounded by a bunch of gnomes who are dressed as cowboys and cowgirls.

LEELA: Who are you people?

GNOME ONE: We're the creatures who live here in Mountain Town.

LEELA: Why do you all live in a cave?

GNOME TWO: Two summers ago, those Amazon women dominated our planet, we've been forced to hide here. They had taken everything away from us.

GNOME ONE: We've been hiding ever since....

LEELA: That's terrible. You certainly didn't deserve this.

GNOME THREE: Ever since they kicked out the original sheriff, we've been looking for someone to help us bring peace and order to our planet.

LEELA: You guys are so cute. You all look like something from a Disney Pixar movie.

VOICE: That's what I thought too......

The voice was a man in a blond buzz cut and a traditional cowboy outfit. His name was Parker Frankson. He talked in a Aussie accent.

PARKER: My name is Parker Frankson. I used to be the sheriff.

LEELA shakes his hand: Turanga Leela. Spaceship Captain.

PARKER: Pleasure to meet you little lady....

GNOME FOUR: We've been looking for someone to team up with Parker to take down those Amazon women.

LITTLE GIRL GNONE: Would you do it, lady?

LEELA: Of course I will!

PARKER: All right! Excellent! We can be partners!

LITTLE GIRL GNOME: Did those meanie Amazons hurt you too miss?

LEELA: You better believe they did. I was making a delivery with two of my friends here on this planet and that Goth Sheriff Raven ran me off the road and stole a treaure box we were going to give to you and kidnapped by friends.

PARKER: That's awful! It's a good thing I have a female to team up with. Lord knows I can't take on these Amazons myself.

LEELA: You can't. They will crush your pelvis if you tried. Trust me, I know! Then we will both send these Amazons back where they came from and give these poor gnomes back their planet.

PARKER: Sounds like a good plan to me! Believe me, I know about these Amazons and their snu-snu.

LEELA: Come on, Parker! You can also help me rescue my kidnapped friends!

Meanwhile in a cabin far away from town. Raven is holding Fry and Bender captive inside. Fry and Bender are both tied to chairs. Raven is gloating over them. Fry and Bender are being held in a wine cellar.

RAVEN: Welcome to your new home boys! Let me know if there's anything I can do to make better accomadations.....

BENDER: You are the best captor ever, Toots! I am surrounded by something I love! You can get me more wine and alcohol! I hope I never get rescued!

RAVEN to Fry: What about you, handsome?

FRY: You can get us Leela! She's still out there! With Leela still around there's always hope!

RAVEN: HA! Give me a break....

BENDER: Off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar?

RAVEN: Shut up! That cyclops can't make it through this scroching hot desert! Because I have some henchwomen working for me. speaks into microphone: Mulak! Tonk! Be on the lookout for a cyclops! She might team up with that Parker guy I kicked out. Over and out. When the day is one, that cyclops will be dead! As for you two, you will have crushed pelvises by the time I get through with you. cackles

FRY: Oh. Sure wish Leela would get there soon.

BENDER: I'm hoping she dies so I can have all this wine!

Back in the cave Leela and Parker get ready for their big move.

GNOME FIVE: OKay, people. The town is five miles from here.

GNOME SIX: Good luck.

GNOME FOUR: From now on, we are going to call you The Cyclopian Ranger, Leela! Gives Leela cowboy clothes

PARKER: By the end of the day, you'll have your planet back!

LEELA: We can assure you that! Bye for now! puts on cowboy clothes

The gnomes cheered as Leela and Parker who were on robot horses ride into town. The town looked like an old western town where the saloon, market, and bars were all connected together. As they were riding, Amazon Women were all walking down the street. Leela was now dressed as a cowboy.

LEELA: Wow. Those gnomes weren't lying about this.

PARKER looks in binoculers: There's two of them in that bar over there.

LEELA gets off horse: I'll handle it. These Amazon women hate men, so you better stay out of sight.

PARKER: I will. I'll go hide in that market over there. If they see me, they'll snu-snu me.

LEELA: Who knows what they're doing to Fry and Bender.

Parker goes to hide in the market. Behind a rock the Little Girl Gnome was watching as Leela walks into the bar. In the bar Leela meets Raven's right hand women. Mulak and Tonk. Mulak was on her cellphone with Raven telling her that Leela was entering the bar. They were both sitting on a table. Leela puts a mask over her eye.

MULAK: That cyclops you warned us about it coming!

RAVEN over cellphone: Keep her distracted.

MULAK hangs up cellphone: Who are you?

TONK: What is your business here?

LEELA: Well, I'm one of you guys.

MULAK: You dare call us guys? pounds fist on table We hate guys!

LEELA: Relax, calm down. It's a term of endurement.

TONK: We work for Sheriff Raven. We've been told there's a cyclops on the loose. gets in Leela's face Know anything about that?

LEELA: Actually no. Never seen here. I want to work for sheriff Raven too.

MULAK: Fine. Prove yourself worthy.....

LEELA: What would you like me to do?

TONK puts down a deck of cards: Play cards. Cut the deck.

LEELA: I know a game. It's called Strip Poker....

MULAK: Strip Poker? How do you play?

LEELA: Easy, I pass you a card and you take off some of your jewels.

TONK: If you say so.

Leela passes the cards and Mulak and Tonk take off their jewels.

At the market, an Amazon Woman in disguise as a human woman comes up to Parker. The Amazon Woman just got off her cellphone with Raven.

DISGUISED AMAZON WOMAN: I will obey you, sheriff. hangs up Parker?

PARKER: Oh my gosh! It's my ex-wife! What are you doing here?

DISGUISED AMAZON WOMAN: I want to get back together with you.

PARKER: You left me when I came to live here you thought I was spending too much time with me job and.....

DISGUISED AMAZON WOMAN: I want to take you to the place where you proposed to me.

PARKER: OKay.

The Disguised Amazon Woman leads Parker into stagecoach. The Little Girl Gnome who's been watching goes to the bar to warn Leela. Mulak and Tonk back in the bar have lost all their jewels to Leela.

MULAK: We don't think we like this game.

TONK: Now you have to do something for us!

LEELA: What is it?

MULAK: Sweep! hands Leela a broom

LEELA: We'll do.

Leela begins to sweep and Mulak and Tonk tell the disguised Amazon Woman she did a good job and they take Parker into the stagecoach and drive off. The Little Girl Gnome is in the bar.

LITTLE GNOME GIRL: Cyclopian Ranger, ma'am?

LEELA: Oh, you're that little girl. What is it? What can I do for you?

LITTLE GIRL GNOME: The real sheriff got tricked by those Amazon meanies! leaves bar with Leela LOOK!

Leela sees the stagecoach with Mulak and Tonk driving and Parker inside.

LEELA: Oh, Lord! Thanks for telling! gets on robot horse Hi Ho Golden! AWAY!

The Little Girl Gnome watches Leela ride after the stagecoach.

MULAK: We're taking this man away from you! laughs

TONK: We know you're really that cyclops!

LEELA: Give him back! I'll get you for this!

MULAK: Should've thought about that before you team up with male scum!

TONK: We're taking him to get snu-snued! laughs

Leela continues to chase after the stagecoach.

The stagecoach runs at fast speeds. Parker calls out to Leela as he is being ridden away in Mulak's stagecoach against his will.

PARKER: Leela! Get me out of here!

LEELA: Coming! grunts angerly Every man I get involved with gets ripped away from me! Now I know how Fry feels when women dump him!

The stagecoach is approaching a cliff.

PARKER: They're taking me to get thrown off a cliff!

LEELA: I'll save you!

Inside the robohorse, Leela gets a lasso. She lassos the end of the stagecoach and jumps off the horse and gets dragged through the ground. The stagecoach goes off the cliff and Leela uses the rope to swing herself inside the stagecoach.

PARKER: Woah! That was a crazy thing you did there!

LEELA: No time for that. We need to think of a way to stop this stagecoach from falling.

TONK: I'm glad you can join him Cyclopian Ranger!

MULAK: You're about to become the 'All Wet Ranger", because you love birds are both going into a watery grave! laughs

Tonk and Mulak were about to jump off.

TONK: You're going to go into Davey Jones' Locker!

MULAK: More like World's Deepest Sounding! laughs

Tonk and Mulak locked the stagecoach locking inside Leela and Parker.

PARKER: They could be right about this....

LEELA: Hey, Amazons! If you're going to jump out, you forgot these...holds parachutes

TONK: That bitch stole our parachutes!

Leela karate kicks Tonk and Mulak and they both fall into the water rapids and get swept away.

PARKER: Awesome! Good thinking! Now let's use the parachutes on the stagecoach.

LEELA: Good idea!

Parker and Leela take the straps of the parachute and put it on the top. The parachute opens and flies them to safety. Leela and Parker go to the front of the stagecoach.

PARKER: Wow, Leela. You are an amazing woman!

LEELA: Had a lot of practice. After all I have to be trained to do this stuff because I am a captain.

PARKER: A very romantic captain at that!

The parachute on the stagecoach is still working.

LEELA: So how did you become the sheriff of this planet?

PARKER: I was working for Democratic Order of Planets.

LEELA: Did you work for Zapp Branigan?

PARKER: Yes I did. He had me stationed here. The gnomes here liked me so much they made me a sheriff. Stopped working for that jerk Zapp after that.

LEELA: laughs Don't blame you there.

PARKER: Oh, Leela! You're wonderful!

Mulak and Tonk come up out of the water rapids. They were both knocked out.

TONK dazed: Oh, Mulak! You're wonderful!

MULAK headbutts Tonk: You idiot! How could you let that cyclops outsmart you? What is Raven going to think?

Their cellphone rings and Mulak answers it.

MULAK: Hey, Raven.

RAVEN: Did you get that cyclops yet?

MULAK: Well, not exactly!

RAVEN: IDIOTS! You're both fired! I can't get any good help around here! I'll get her myself!

At Raven's headquarters, she was laying in wait for Leela and planning on how she was going to eliminate her. She had a doll of Leela. Fry and Bender were still tied up.

RAVEN: Once that cyclops comes here! I'm going to fill her full of air! gets air pump and uses it on the doll Then I'll roll her out like pizza dough. gets rolling pin and rolls out doll

BENDER giggles: I often thought of doing that to Leela! Say listen. I'm willing to be your snu-snu slave if you let me help you kill her!

RAVEN: SHUT UP! Then I will poke her full of holes.......gets needles and pokes the Leela doll.

FRY: NNNNOOOO!!!! STOP! I won't let you hurt Leela!

RAVEN: Like to see you try to stop me.

FRY: Leela is the woman I love! Don't you dare hurt her! She's going to get you!

RAVEN: You forget one thing. I'm stronger than the average woman, I can knock that bitch out on her ass it'll make her head spin!

BENDER: If you win, can I break free and get wasted on all of this wine!

RAVEN: Never! Once I take over, you're both going to live a life of misery. I'll put you both in so much pain that your pelvises will be so horribly crushed, you'll never walk again! crackles

Back at the stagecoach, it was out of the water rapids and the wind flew it up to the cliff. Miles away Parker and Leela land and see Raven's headquarters.

PARKER: That must be where she's keeping your friends prisoners.

LEELA: Let's see your binoculars.

Parker gives Leela his binoculars. Leela sees an Amazon Woman guard and Raven taunting Fry and Bender.

LEELA: That's them all right.

PARKER: This is what we'll do. I'll stay here and be a look out and I'll go to the cave and let those gnomes out.

LEELA: RIght. I'll distract the guard and overthrow sheriff Raven once and for all! Then you'll take back your rightful place as sheriff of Mountain Town!

PARKER: We make a great team don't we?

LEELA: You bet we do! It's good to hang around with a strong, smart alpha-male man for a change.

PARKER: Don't you know any?

LEELA: It's just that all the men I know are either wimps or jerks.

PARKER: I feel sorry for you!

LEELA: I'm going now. Get those gnomes out of the cave.

PARKER: I'm on my way! An alpha male and female are the best team ever! Oh, and by the way.

LEELA: Yes.

PARKER: Would you like to go out on a date after this is over?

LEELA: It's sweet of you to offer, but one of Raven's captives is my boyfriend.

PARKER: I understand.

Leela goes to confront the guard and sheriff Raven as Parker goes to the cave to get the Gnomes out.




As moments go by, Parker gets the gnomes out of the cave. Leela goes to the headquarters to confront Raven. She is stopped by a guard as she was about to cross the bridge to the headquarters.

AMAZON GUARD: Stop........you............you....you......

LEELA: What? What do you want to call me? One Eye? Cyclops? Low Depth Perception? Go ahead I heard it all.

AMAZON GUARD: You better stay away, I suffer from bad temper!!!!

LEELA chuckles: Don't we all! Tell me something I don't know.....

AMAZON GUARD: You laugh at woman's bad temper joke? You man lover for that!

LEELA: I got a proposition here.

AMAZON GUARD: I'm not falling for your tricks.

LEELA: It's not a trick. Promise it's not. How about we fight, and to be fair, I'll let you hit me first!

AMAZON GUARD: You wanna fight? You got one. Don't think I like this....

LEELA: It's easy. You hit me first and then I'll fall down.

AMAZON GUARD: Okay! But you better fall down!

The Amazon Guard ran after Leela and tries to hit her and Leela ducks down causing the Amazon Woman to fall off the bridge.

AMAZON GUARD: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

LEELA: Better luck next time!

Parker gets all the gnomes out of the cave and they all go around the headquarters to watch Leela take down Raven.

LEELA: RAVEN! Come out here, now!

Raven comes out and is ready to fight Leela. Fry and Bender are watching helplessly.

RAVEN: Well well well! I've been waiting for this!

LEELA: Let's settle this like women!

RAVEN: I will! What is it you want?

LEELA: I want these gnomes to have their home back that you took from them! You stole my friends and I want them back, too! And the gold treasure!

Parker and the Gnomes were watching Raven and Leela have a showdown.

RAVEN: You'll have to get past me first! If you lose, I'll throw you into that manure truck! points to manure truck.

FRY nervous: Hope she makes it....

BENDER: Not everything turns out the way you'd like it to Fry.

RAVEN: Your move!

PARKER: Get her, Leela!

Leela walks up to Raven and karate kicks her and punches her. Raven is knocked to the ground but gets back up again. Raven then attacks Leela with a series of hits, punches, and kicks. Leela does the same.

FRY: Leela! Careful!

BENDER: At least we get to see some blood spill!

Leela tries to punch Raven again, but she blocks Leela's punch. Raven picks up Leela and throws Leela into the ground. Leela is hurt but in stable condition. Raven starts stopping on Leela as though she were a doormat.

RAVEN: I likes to.......beat..stomps on Leela..........my feet............stomps on Leela*...........on Mississippi Mud!

LEELA: I'm from New New York!

RAVEN: I don't care! punches Leela.

FRY cries: NNOOO!!! IT CAN'T BE! IT CAN'T BE! The love of my life! DEAD! sobbing uncontrollably.

BENDER: Look at it this way, one less bitch to worry about!

PARKER: C'mon Leela! Don't quit on us now!

Parker's words wake Leela up. She slowly gets up as Raven was about to throw her into the manure truck.

RAVEN: What the.....I thought I killed you!

LEELA: You thought wrong! *

She takes a golden wheel out of her shirt.

LEELA: You were really hitting this wheel I had hidden under my shirt!

FRY: Yay! Leela!

BENDER: Dammit!

RAVEN: In the name of blazes! Now you're really going down now!

Raven tries to go after Leela to beat her up again. Leela takes the golden wheel and hits Raven across the face with it. Which gives Leela the opportinity to punch and kick Raven until she lands into the manure truck.

LEELA: Time for a makeover! Better yet, make it a facial! Hee-yah! karate kicks Raven

Raven is kicked by Leela into the manure truck! The other Amazon Women were watching too but they all ran away into their escape pods. A police hovercar comes to arrest Raven as Off. Smitty and URL come out to arrest her taking her out of the manure truck.

OFF SMITTY: Raven, you're under arrest for a various number of crimes you have commited on this planet.

URL: What do you have to say for yourself?

RAVEN: I hate manure!

Off. Smitty and URL haul away Raven and take her into the police hovercar and it flies away. Bells are heard and Parker goes inside the headquarters to untie Fry and Bender. All the gnomes and Parker all cheer for Leela.

GNOMES: HOORAY!!! HOORAY! You both got our planet back!

LITTLE BOY GNOME: Who is that one eyed lady?

WOMAN GNOME: That my dear, is The Cyclopian Ranger!

LITTLE GIRL GNOME: Thank you Cyclopian Ranger! When I grow up I want to be just like you!

LEELA: Anytime!

Parker gets the treasure box and gives the coins to the Gnomes. Fry and Bender come out to greet Leela.

FRY: Leela! I had total faith in you!

BENDER: I'll never forgive you! You always have to ruin everything by surviving! Some Austrailian dude untied us just when I was about to get hammered!

LEELA: If you love that wine cellar so much, then take it!

BENDER carries wine cellar: Way ahead of you!

Fry and Leela kiss as the Gnomes were still cheering for Leela and Parker's hard work. Leela goes back on the stagecoach as Parker says his final goodbyes!

PARKER: Thank you very much Leela! Couldn't have done it without you!

LEELA: I can't take all the credit. Some of this was your doing too.

PARKER: I'm back to being sheriff now! I sure am going to miss you.

LEELA: I'll never forget you, Parker!

BENDER: All right! Let's go already! I hate long goodbyes!

LEELA: I better be going now. Feel free to visit me on Earth anytime you want!

PARKER: You bet I will.

LEELA: If you ever see Zapp Branigan again, give him my worst!

PARKER: I'll be sure to do that!

FRY: Leela? Who was that guy?

LEELA: Don't worry Fry. It was just someone who needed my help!

FRY: I'm proud of you for saving me and Bender and for giving back those Gnomes and for making Raven pay! She was so scary!

BENDER: I didn't mind her too much! I'm going to miss her! But at least I got her alcohol! Consider it a souvineer!

The Three of them laugh.

LEELA: What do you all say we just go back home to Earth! We'll stop at The Hip Joint on the way back and you and I will have a date there, Fry.

FRY: Sounds awesome to me!

Leela rides the stagecoach back to the Planet Express ship. Mountain Town is now back to the Gnomes and Parker vows never to let anything come between him and the Gnomes and their planet ever again. Fry and Leela had a fun date at the hip Joint. Bender had fun drinking all the wine from Raven's wine cellar. The Amazon Women all went back to their planet. Never to be heard from again.


The End

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