Lazer Queen had left Party to his thoughts as she thought about her own. She thought about this strong leader that she has now found out is just as broken as every other Killjoy out in the zones. S...
Chapter 35. Never Had the Chance
It's surprising what you learn sometimes, and a lot of the time you don't expect what you find out or hear. I'm not going to deny it but I was shocked, finding out this strong leaders weakness. Finding out what the Sad Man did that ruined his life, finding out what turned this man into becoming a Killjoy. It's a very sad story he holds, but one I feel so strongly about. I've never heard one worse and that's what scares me the most.
I still can't believe Party actually had a kid, I find it hard to see that he was once a dad to a young child, he had a child. I guess I just never really saw him as the father type until now, never saw him as the type to bare himself with that kind of strong responsibility. It isn't hard to believe it now that I think about it, he acts like a great dad to Gracie and he loves her to the bone. He's really protective over her, holds her close and safe as if she was his own, his parental instincts kicking in I guess. Looking after Gracie probably gives him the chance to be a dad and will even give him hope, looking after the child he never really had.
I couldn't even begin to understand what he's been through so I struggle to empathise his pain. I just don't understand it, I don't know what it could possibly feel like because I've never felt it. I just never really thought about that kind of pain before, I only ever thought about the pain I've felt. Like I said, I've only ever thought about number one. I'm such a selfish person and I'm not denying that now, not now I've learnt this.
I never think about others, I only think about myself, I just can't believe that I could be so selfish. I've never really needed to think about others before, I only really ever thought about me and Blade, but seeing as he's no longer here I only ever think about myself. How stupid am I to believe I'm the loneliest Killjoy out in the zones? How stupid am I to believe I'm worse off than others? Loneliness isn't really about the people that surround you, it's more about how you feel inside, whether or not you feel lonely or broken. I'm sick, I'm selfish, and I've always believed that I carry the weight of the world on my shoulder. But boy was I wrong, boy was I a self righteous idiot, still am a self righteous idiot.
Believe me, I've been through a lot, but never the loss of my own child. I've never known that kind of suffering, I've never felt that pain. I've never felt the kind of love that you feel for your own child, the need to protect your own flesh and blood. That feeling is so alien to me, so unknown to me. I've never felt it, so nor do I understand it. I wish I could relate, I wish I could understand, but I can't, I don't.
I've never had the chance to be a parent, and never will now knowing my death is so close. I can just taste the darkness creeping in like a black dog lurking behind every shadow, waiting. This hallow black dog is hiding around corners in a pouncing glare, it's just stood there waiting for its chance to strike. But I now know that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, not to pity myself because there are people out there that have been through worse than me, the world doesn't evolve around me. It never has and it never will, I won't let it.
Thinking about it now, I can see the one thing I have never noticed before. I have been through everything I have ever thought of, I thought I had lost everything imaginable. But I have never lost a child, never had one to lose in the first place. I've never know that kind of loss, but now the more I think about it the more I realise that it out beats all of mine down to the core, even with all mine put together it still beats it by a long shot.
I have felt suffering, believe me I have definitely felt suffering, but none as severe as that of losing your own. That pain just never goes away, and I don't need convincing of that because I can already see that through Party's eyes. That pain will never leave him, it will haunt him for the rest of his life and even further on then that. I can see through his eyes that no matter how much you forget about it, no matter how long it leaves your thoughts it always comes creeping back up to tear you apart once again. I can see that through his eyes, and the eyes never lie.
I haven't felt the pain he has, and I can't compare to it nor can I comprehend it either. I was fooling myself in believing that there is no life worse than mine, It was just a facade, just a show. I may be wanted dead by the Sad Man, but at least I'll finally be able to forget about it once it's over. Party will never forget his pain, even after he's gone.
I wish I could tell Party I understood, I wish I could tell him it was all going to be ok. But I can't, I don't hold that right or authority, I can't even compare to it. I couldn't tell him everything will be alright because then I'd be lying to him, doing that would just be cruel. I don't spout those types of lies, never have, even if they deserve it.
But Party nowhere near deserves it, he's too kind of a man to deserve any of the pain he's feeling. If only I could wash it away, if only I could take away his pain and leave his slate clean. I wish that I could, I wish I could take away his pain and replace it with happiness and trust, only then would I be happy. I want him to be happy, he deserves it more than anyone, even more than me. I don't deserve it, I'm too selfish to deserve a happy ending.
Ok, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and will hold on for the next one 'cause pretty soon the shit's about to hit the fan. A little teaser there but I still hope you'll hold on for more. Remember, any advise, ideas or views just give us a call.