Categories > Games > Zelda5 Reviews
Link, in a frozen dungeon. Beacuse there are situations too ridiculous even for the Hero of Hyrule to deal with. (Based on aLttP)
It's not falling that I mind, either. I mean, I've had worse things happen to me in the past few weeks. Way worse things. Agahnim, for one. I'm just saying that standing on a slippery surface can be an inconvenience at times, that's all. For example, when you're trying for your life to fend off a pack of bloodthirsty green penguins.
Yes. These are definitely not the right set of circumstances.
They're walking around the room, slowly, carelessly, the little buggers. Two of them, the ones nearest to me, decide to charge me. I raise my sword and prepare for the attack.
Okay, so I'm fighting a bunch of green, non-flying birds whose idea of a vicious attack is sliding on their tummies at me. Sounds kinda ridiculous, doesn't it? I bet you're laughing right now.
Oh, I'd be laughing, too. If it just weren't for the damn ice.
Not that I'm having /trouble/, no. Far from it. I'm just a little /friction/-impaired.
I meet the first penguin with my blade ready, easily throwing it off. Easily. I plant my feet on the ground to counter the force of the attack...
Only I'm standing on ice. I'm sent back, my careful balance compromised, and I find myself flailing my right arm around wildly as I slash the Master Sword at the second penguin. My body is twisted unnaturally, and my feet choose this moment to part from the icy surface in opposite directions. My left knee collides with the floor. Hard.
I shoot out my right hand to the floor to steady myself, wincing at the pain that's shocking through my leg. I try to get my feet on the floor again, but I slip twice before I finally succeed. I glare at the stupid birds, tightening my grip on the Master Sword. If I were feeling a little better, a little stronger, I could find the strength to draw magic from my blade and keep the penguins at bay. If I were feeling better. Ha.
Instead, I have to watch as the penguins turn around and start rounding up on me.
Oh, did I mention the numerical advantage? I'm surrounded by four walls enclosing a small space most of which is occupied by dangerous green penguins ambling around. Excuse me for feeling a little claustrophobic, will ya?
I realize I'm not sounding particularly heroic right now, but even a Hero should be allowed a break after hours (or is it days?) of trudging through a freezing dungeon, slipping on the ice and being ganged on by packs of monsters right? It can become quite tiring after the first few hours, believe me.
Not to mention the cold.
Sure, what else would I expect from a dungeon called Ice Palace, as Sahasrahla would be quick to point out with that slightly reprising voice of his? But that doesn't make the freezing cold any more pleasant. My sweat is continuously freezing on my skin. And to make matters worse, I had to get here soaking wet from swimming through Lake Hylia. I'm walking around coated in a thin layer of ice. I'm so cold I'm past shivering. Not to mention tired, cold, beaten up, bruised and cold.
And I came here clad in a simple green /tunic/. By the Goddesses, I must be crazy.
But, of course, I have to clench my teeth and keep on fighting. Because I'm the Hero of Hyrule. Not because I chose to be one; I was just assigned the job. But I'm the Hero, and without me Hyrule would go to ruin. No one can do it but me.
I guess they're right. I mean, who else would ever think of facing one the greatest wizards of all time, the famous, revered, all-powerful Agahnim, armed with a mere bug-catching net?
Man, Zelda had better give me at least a kiss when this is all over.
I warily watch the penguins approaching, waving the Master Sword uselessly at them. "You're outnumbered," I warn them weakly through gritted teeth. "Yield before I'm forced to hurt you."
They keep approaching, sharp beaks ready, eyes glinting menacingly.
Only one thing I can do now, I guess.
I quickly switch the grip on my sword to my right hand and reach down towards my belt for my faithful Hookshot. I quickly turn to the side and quickly pull the trigger, and the release mechanism sends the chain soaring through the air, above the penguins' squat and ugly heads. A small jolt and a clink inform me that the pointed tip has embedded itself on the wall. I press the trigger again.
Once I retire from being a Hero, I must take this Hookshot apart and see just how the hell it works.
With a jerk I'm sent soaring, and I wave goodbye to the penguins with a swipe of my sword. Finally, I'm out of the circle of fiends, and facing a rapidly approaching wall. Part One of my plan worked perfectly. Part Two might still need some working on.
I try to push my boots down against the floor, but of course I fail to produce any friction. I have about two tenths of a second to come up with a brilliant course of action to save myself. After a quick though intense brainstorming session, I perfect my plan: I close my eyes and weakly raise my arms in a pathetic attempt to protect myself as I crash face-first into the oncoming surface.
Impact comes quickly, and so do the white explosions of pain which some people that have never crashed into a wall before are fond of calling 'stars'. I suppose they do look like stars. If you see a star up close. Tingling pain shoots from my cheekbone, and my body flies back from the impact, while my brain takes a quantum leap across the room. My sword clatters beside me as I hit the ice floor and slide back a couple of feet. Wow, I'm smart, aren't I?
That's okay. Having a face isn't a requisite for a Hero of Hyrule. All you need is to be able to hold a sword, and be crazy enough to use it.
Groaning and grabbing for my blade, I raise myself to my feet, while my head is still flying circles around the room, banging against the walls. I wonder if I'm going to throw up, but I feel that would be rather unheroic of me. Sahasrahla would be displeased. I can still hear the sage's voice ringing through my head. '/Don't overexert yourself.'/ Don't overexert myself! As if he were the one trapped inside a dungeon, thrown around and half-frozen to death!
Sure, I know he's a sage and all, and that I should feel grateful to him for his advice and help on my journey, but sometimes he just borders on the redundant. He's a weird guy, that's the simple truth. I'm not even sure his name is spelled that way. I must remember to ask him next time he calls.
Slowly, as I stand here rubbing my pounding head, the green birds start converging mindlessly towards me. If anything, I have to thank the Triforce for their sluggishness. They're less responsive than a drunk Moblin. Almost as slow as I am on an icy surface. Almost. But not quite.
I can't face them all in close quarters like this; if I ever doubted that, they gave me reason to believe it. I have to keep them back. I bend down (very carefully, lest I lose my balance) and wrap my fingers around my red boomerang, which I keep tucked in the top of my boot due to problems of spatial nature.
With a quick, precise movement I straighten myself and fling the boomerang at the closest penguin. Unfortunately, the quick, precise movement also happens to upset my beautiful, natural, blessed, wonderful balance. Not to mention /precarious/. My feet slip away from under me, and the impact with the icy floor send a cold, unpleasant jolt up my spine.
To make matters worse, the boomerang just glanced off the penguin's forehead, with no effect other than making the bird even angrier. With an indignant squawk, it begins to charge.
I struggle to stand up, but the cold is making me feel even more sluggish than the stupid creatures. My mind races as I run through the (somewhat) impressive repertoire of tricks that I managed to collect during this Triforce-damned adventure for something that does not require standing on solid ground. What should I do? Take out my bow? It's no good at close range. Throw a bomb? Not enough time to light it. Sprinkle magic powder on them?
But of course, I can't do much if I can't even manage to stand up first.
The penguin slides into me. I shut my eyes and clench my teeth from the pain as I'm shot back, ram sideways into the wall, and slide off at an angle, miraculously still managing to hold on to my sword.
Probably because my fingers have frozen around it.
I can feel the penguins moving towards me like a swarm of zombies. I try to move, but the coldness is seeping down to my bones. It's rather unpleasant. For Light's sake, I thought Hell was supposed to be hot!
I can't let those stupid birds kill me, of course. If I do, then all of Hyrule will be doomed. It has to be true. I mean, why else would everyone I meet keep repeating that to me as a mantra? Well, it's certainly nice to have such a great excuse to keep living, isn't it? Being a Hero of Destiny is pretty cool, after all!
Of course, there's the minor issue of having to trudge through a deep, dark, freezing, monster-infested (emphasis on freezing and monster-infested) dungeon, getting trampled, chewed on, frozen, electrocuted, used as moving target practice and generally subjected to unpleasant treatments by embarrassing monsters, to save a Seven Maiden I've never even met.
But that's just a minor issue, of course.
Not that I'm bitter about my new status as destiny's favorite chew-toy. Well, maybe I am. Just a little bit.
But, let's see, would that be a good reason to just give up here and now? Hmm...
Nope. I refuse to be led to my death by a pack of green penguins. Maybe if they were black, or red. Or maybe even blue. But not /green/. With a major strain of will and muscles, I manage to wrench myself from the frozen floor, and just before the rabid creatures reach me, I unleash my world-famous Whirling Attack.
Well, okay, maybe not world-famous /yet/, but even a Hero can have his delusions, right?
I'm screaming as I spin, concentrating all my strength in my arms. I'm not one to brag, but I'm always rather proud of this attack. For a moment I allow myself to mentally gloat at the (rather blurred and spinning) sight of the green birds flying away from me. A moment is all I have before I follow their example.
Physics lesson of the day: a rotating object and/or person will have a hard time stopping itself without the wonderful aid of friction.
In other words, I lose control, my beautiful spin goes awfully awry, and I'm sent skidding to the side. I hit the hard floor. Again. By the goddesses, what an idiotic Hero I am!
I try to get up again, but my body is responding less and less. It's getting harder to move my arms, and when I do pain shoots through my bones. I just wish they would fall apart and get it over with. Around me the penguins that haven't sustained any major injuries (and there are way too many of them to make me feel even remotely comfortable) are starting to raise themselves again, as if nothing had happened to them. Din damn it, what do those accursed beasts have that I lack!? Other than traction on ice, of course.
I frantically try to move before the penguins reach me, but my hands and knees keep slipping on the ice as my body tries to remember how to stand. Stupid and sluggish! Oh, what a wonderful, heroic Hero I am! Legends shall be told about my immortal deeds! I desperately wave the Master Sword at the first oncoming penguin, in a clumsy movement that probably just made the ancient and honored Knights of Hyrule all turn in their graves in a perfectly synchronized motion.
Somehow, I manage to deflect the penguin. Not only that, but my feet finally find the ground! Oh, such luck! Fortune must be with me today! No time to rejoice, though, as a second penguin comes slamming into my side.
Guess what! A Hero of Hyrule can indeed fly! A short, beautiful flight that most likely made those stupid, non-flying birds green with envy! Then I reach the ground, where I stun my spectators with a perfect example of straight, uniform, friction-less motion on ice!
Then I come crashing into the diamond-hard wall, bringing my short-lived exhibition to an end. I remain there, in a crumpled heap, groaning and wondering where the sudden pain that just shot through my body came from. Someone is running knives through my bones! By the goddesses, crashing into walls isn't supposed to be this painful!
I mean, it's not as if I haven't tried before.
I can see the penguins moving at the edge of my vision. I have to get up, but my limbs just stopped responding. I desperately try to force my will upon my insubordinate body, but all I get in return is more pain running through me. It's as if the cold has completely soaked through me. The air is tearing out my lungs each breath I take, and it's getting harder and harder to inhale. I've never felt this heavy before. I try to tighten my grip on my sword, and I look down towards my hand.
My fingers match the hilt of my sword. They're blue! My fingers are freaking blue!
Then I realize something. My fingers are numb. I try to move them, but to no avail. My entire limbs are numb! I can't even feel them, only the pain shooting from their general direction! A jolt of realization hits my bare conscience.
Hypothermia! Sobs of laughter start shaking my body. Hypothermia! I'm freezing to death! I burst out in hysterical mirth. After all, why shouldn't I laugh? It's not like it's going to kill me! A pack of rabid, blood-thirsty, green penguins is! O dignified, O noble death for a legendary Hero!
Then, yet another penguin slides into me, beak raised.
Sweet Farore, what pain!
Do you know the shock that runs through you when you're stupid enough to hit one of those damned Flying Jellyfish while they're pumped up with electricity? Well, this is just like that. Only more prolonged in time.
Hm, you've never felt that? Lucky you.
I'm sliding yet again on the freezing ice, all the will to laugh wrenched from me. I come to a stop on the floor. Or maybe I hit a wall yet again. I'm too busy fighting for consciousness to take in such trivial details. I'm guessing the latter, though, as I vaguely feel the items I was carrying scatter away from me.
I try to raise my head, but it's too much of a strain. My cold breath is coming out in weak shivers now. I can't feel the damned birds moving around me, but I suppose they're still there.
I start laughing at myself again, cruelly this time. This is my price for playing Hero! I should have known this was part of the job description! To die trying to save a maiden I've never met, and a princess I only saw for a few hours!
Though I did rather like her... but I shouldn't be thinking like this now.
My eyes suddenly focus on something lying right before my face. The Bombos Medallion. It must have fallen from my pocket when I crashed into the wall (assuming I actually did). It is said to contain great magical power, like the other two, though I've yet to try it out.
Slowly, and painfully, I manage to move my numb arm towards it. The magic tingles my otherwise unfeeling fingers. The realist part of my brain is screaming out to me that I should give up already, that there is no hope. But, of course, I don't listen to it. Because I'm too busy believing that I will make it.
Because, no matter what, I will always be an optimist at heart.
I mean, what kind of Hero would I be if I actually allowed myself to face reality?
Casting magic is always a mystical experience. Or, at least, so it has been described by others. I personally think that the idea is better rendered by the adjective 'weird'. I thought so when I first discovered I held this power, and my opinion has not since then been changed. For a moment, I forget my bruises and hypothermia. All that matters is the magic channelling through me. Yes, 'weird' is certainly the best word for it.
Then, pillars of fire explodes around me.
Oh, the heat! The glorious heat! I scream in sheer joy as the dry, burning air washes over me. Oh, it hurts quite a lot, I'll grant you that, but I've never felt such lovely pain! Beside me I hear the accursed, doubly-damned penguins squawk as they burn, but all that matters now is the blessed heat! I find the ground and get to my feet, elated. For a moment I allow the fire-hot air to burn my lungs.
Then, my head starts to protest by spinning mercilessly. The room begins to rotate around me, and, for a change, I hit the floor. I lie down, panting, as the fire dies and the cold begins to settle in once more. I notice that the ice floor is still sparkling just as it was before. Wonder why my head is spinning so.
But of course! My magic power! I've been using magic too much in this dungeon, and, as much as I hate to admit it, I've got nothing on Zelda or Agahnim, magic-wise. Don't overexert myself! What a joke! I'm out of strength, and the half of me that isn't frozen to death is very nearly burned. But I'm alive! Alive! I laugh out in pure mirth at this single, exhilarating fact.
'/Are you alright, Link?'/ Sahasrahla's voice echoes clearly inside my head. It always freaks me out when he does that.
'/Alright? Am I alright?'/ I laugh even harder at the sage's question. '/Never felt better, sage!'/
I can almost hear his mental sigh. Or maybe my mind is playing tricks on me again. 'I warned you not to overexert yourself, boy. You must be careful in these dungeons,' his stern voice informs me.
'Careful! Yes, I'll be careful, O Lord and Master of Redundant Information! I'll be sure to follow your enlightening advice!' I think back at him gleefully. This time I'm sure I can hear a sigh. I can almost imagine him rolling his eyes.
'What's with you today, boy? Did the cold get to your head?'
"Not the cold! The heat! The /heat!/" I cry out loud, unable to control my overwhelming amusement. There is no reply from the sage; I think I threw him off. Not that I can blame him, I suppose. I normally don't act like this, but even a Hero should be allowed to have his moments of hysteria after clambering for hours in some Nayru-forsaken frozen dungeon, right? I begin to laugh heartily again.
'Don't worry, sage. I'm as sane as I ever was.'
'I'm beginning to wonder about that, my boy,' sighs he, but any trace of reprisal is absent from his voice.
'Crazy? Sure I'm crazy. D'you think I'd be here if I weren't?' I cheerfully think back at him.
An amused chuckle. 'That, my boy, is a very good point. Very well. Be careful; should you fall, all of Hyrule shall be doomed. Remember that.'
And thus ended my telepathic conversation with the all-wise, ever-helpful Sahasrahla, leaving me to laugh on some very cold dungeon floor and realize that I again forgot to ask him how his name is spelled. I make a mental note to ask him the next time he calls.
I turn to the side to grab my pack and begin rummaging through it, until I extract a small glass bottle. I take a few sips of the blue liquid, grimacing at the taste and sending silent (though devoted) prayers to the crazy witch in the hut as vigor starts running through my limbs once more. I replace the bottle in my pack, noticing that I only have about two fingers of the potion left. I'm going to be in a lot of trouble a few rooms from now.
Oh well. Guess I'll deal with that problem when I get to it.
I get up, enjoying my newfound strength, and I collect all my items from the floor, chucking them carelessly into my pack. Goddesses, I sure carry a lot of junk around, I think as I pick up my bug-catching net.
I remember Agahnim, suddenly. He was a lot worse than this. Maybe I shouldn't complain, really. I strap the net down with new fondness, and I fling my pack on my shoulders. I look around the empty, icy room, and the scattered charcoal-black ashes that are the ex-penguins.
Yet another room valiantly conquered. Only somewhere between ten and fifty to go.
I carefully reach the doorway. I carefully step through it. The next room awaits me in all its splendor: monsters are walking randomly about, dark, gaping holes are waiting for me to fall into their clutches, and large, heavy spiked blocks are mindlessly sliding on the frozen floor.
I take a valiant step forward. My foot slides away from me on the slippery ice, and I ruinously collapse yet again on the floor. All the monsters in the room, as one, turn around to face me.
By Din, Nayru and Farore, I hate ice.