It's not just Ezri's eyes that remind him of Jadzia... (Bashir/Dax)
by dilly r
It's not just Ezri's eyes that remind him of Jadzia; it's everything. Not all the time. Just hints here and there. Ezri will smile like Jadzia, or she will turn a phrase like Jadzia, or she will tuck her hands behind her back like Jadzia, and it's like Ezri was never there -- it was always Jadzia.
Julian tends to ignore these things as unimportant at best, irrational at worst. He doesn't talk about it, because who do you talk to when you're sleeping with the station's counselor? What would he say? "I think that you're lying. I think that you're /her/."
No. That doesn't make any sense. He doesn't really feel that way -- not all the time. Just when he's feeling embarrassingly weak.
He seems to remember that he never used to felt weak about this sort of thing. When it was a different girl every few days, and none of it mattered, because career officers are married to their jobs. He doesn't quite remember when he stopped feeling that way, actually. One day, it was fun, and the next, it was painful and complicated and confusing.
Miles's words come back to him: You're not the first person to fall in love.
He feels a little bitter every now and then that Miles didn't warn him that the giddy, smiling, sex-in-the-afternoon part of love didn't last very long.
Sex. Yes. That's where it had gone wrong. The first few times were great. Fun. Normal. Then, maybe the fourth or fifth time, it was completely different. He remembered that they already had their clothes off, and she was under him, her hand snaking down between his legs. He gasped, and her eyes flashed and her lips curled in smug victory -- not like Ezri. Jadzia, when she demurely put Sisko back in his place, or when she beat Quark at a game of Tongo. Or in the early days before Worf when she could tell she'd gotten Julian hot and bothered, but walked away anyway.
He'd kissed her then -- kissed Jadzia's smile. And Jadzia's hands led him up and inside of her. Jadzia's legs curled around his, strong but soft.
After that, he saw Jadzia all the time, as if she were peeking around the edges of an Ezri mask, always smiling like it was a joke. Always laughing. Whispering his name. Teasing him again, like when he'd first met her. Always leading him along until they hit a dead end.
He almost thought they wouldn't reach a dead end this time.
Except that it is Ezri sitting across from him in his quarters. It is Ezri's hands holding his, Ezri's eyes gazing at him, Ezri's tongue wetting her lips.
And Ezri's voice, because it could never have been Jadzia's, when she says: "You know... I love you, Julian."
Julian sits, silently, his hands cold under Ezri's. And for the first time, he knows the woman he loves is dead.