Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Pastel Photos
The Truth Behind Reason
Spencer tell his friends how he came to the point of killing himself. Read to find what happened
?Blocked
“Well what is it?” asked Pete.
“...I'm gay.” he said smiling.
Everyone was quiet. Four had shocked looks on their face, while three just smiled. Ryan placed his hand on Spencer's shoulders making him look away from everyone to him. Spencer smiled as Ryan smiled back. Turning back to the others he took a deep breath and began to tell his reasons. Everyone sat waiting.
“Well to begin I was gay since freshmen year in high school.” Spencer said looking at Ryan again then back to the others. “The first guy I ever dated, and Ryan you know him, was a guy called Chris.”
“Yeah, I remember him, he used to follow us around school.” said Ryan thinking back to high school. Spencer smiled knowing Ryan remembered Chris.
“He and I lasted through high school but we really didn't do anything except make-out. He wanted to do more, but I wasn't really ready so he and I didn't last after graduation. Then about two months later I met this named Zach, who was 21. He was nice and sweet to me and we did everything to together. But in the end he just wanted one thing and I was still scared and not really ready for that next step in the relationship. So he dumped me. After Zach I have been pretty much single.” said Spencer not wanting to go into any more detail of past relations.
“Wait, What about Sydney?” asked Joe who was just getting used to the idea of Spencer being gay.
“Oh, well she was just to keep up appearances really. She knew about me being gay.” Spencer said smiling a little.
“Wait, she knew, but you didn't tell us?” asked Brendon getting upset.
Spencer smiled wider and chuckled. “She figured it out, said I was obvious.”
“Obvious? Then why didn't we see it?” Jon asked looking at Spencer with raised eyebrows.
“Well I tried hiding it while around any of you. I didn't want any of you knowing, I was afraid you wouldn't want me around if I told you.” Spencer said wanting to back to his story. “Anyway, about 8 months ago I met this guy I really liked, named Kale and he felt the same way. We decided to try dating even though we both moved around a lot because of our jobs. He was a photographer and painter which most of his work can be viewed on his web site he has. He and I were for better words dating and we both had very little time off together. But when we did, he was great. He made me laugh and always listened to me when I talked. He even was good at sweet talking me and spoiling me whenever and wherever. After about five months, and he wanted to go further into the relationship and well you know” Spencer stopped for a minute blushing. “At first I said no, then he slowly talked into it.” said Spencer to let this sink in.
Everyone waited patiently for Spencer to continue, knowing that the worst was to come. Spencer let out a breath and stood up, walking toward the T.V. and fireplace not wanting to sit anymore.”After my first time, he wanted to do it again. I did too, but then that's when he was trying to get me to quit the band to live with him on the road so that we could be together more often then we were. The first time I said no, he got really angry and that when he hit me. So that every time we met up after that we would get into a big fight and he would hit me again. I got so fed up with the way he was treating me and I tried to end the relationship, he got so upset by that, he tried to kill himself.” Spencer said looking at his own wrist.
“Did he cut himself?” Andy asked looking concerned for Spencer's sake.
Spencer lightly touched his still throbbing wound. “Yea.” he said not looking up from his wrist. He studied his wrist a while longer before looking up to his friends. “I tried to save him by stopping the bleeding, but I couldn't, not even the medics could save him. They were a few seconds to late. It was before the Awards show when it happened. I guess I just went down hill since than. I slowly stopped eating. The day that you three...” he said nodding to his bandmates. “found me was the day I made up my mind. I couldn't live with the fact that I was the cause, the reason he died, the reason he killed himself.” Spencer brought his hands to his face not wanting his friends to see him cry even more then he already had.
Ryan immediately went to Spencer and put him in his arms. “Ssshhh... It's alright... ssshhh...It's okay...” he said comforting his best friend. Brendon and Jon joined soon after whispering comforting words and massaging Spencer's back and shoulders. Spencer cried harder than he ever had in his life, not of grief, but of a calm and overwhelming sense that suddenly came over him as his close friends held him. He finally realized the stupidity of his actions three weeks ago. Spencer realized that the death of his late boyfriend, Kale was just a mere accident, he hadn't need to hurt himself in the process. He knew he wasn't at fault for Kale's death. He knew he was ready to move on, but now he would be more cautious about who he'd date, not wanting to go through that ordeal again. Maybe he would find a real love, one who he was meant to be with.
Spencer wiggled out of his friends embrace, walking to sit in the empty seat next to Andy. He leaned back pushing his hair back as well. He sighed deeply closing his eyes. He sat like this for a while, until he felt a hand on his arm. He open one eye and turned to face Andy. “Yea?” he asked wondering what Andy wanted.
“You not only have Ryan, Brendon, and Jon, but us as well. Whenever you need to talk don't hesitate to call me, Pete, Joe, or Patrick. We care about you just as much. Even when you and I hang out and throw down beats, don't hesitate to say anything. We all want to know what's going on within that head of yours.” said Andy seriously, but with a hint of a smile.
Spencer smiled back and looked at Pete, Joe, and Patrick each in turn. “I won't, that's one promise I'm definitely keeping.” he said as Pete got from where he was sitting and moved to the other side of Spencer. At lost for words Pete decided to just pull Spencer practically into his lap, hugging him showing how he loved him. Spencer surprised by this action just hugged back. Andy soon joined followed by Patrick and Joe.
After a while they broke apart, Pete staying where he was wanting nothing more than to just hold his friend in his lap. Spencer didn't care, in fact he'd rather just stay there, too tired to move. Exhausted having to relive all that he had push to the back of his mind. Soon he fell asleep knowing how much hiss band and friends really loved him.
Pete smiled when he heard a slight snore come from his youngest and dearest friend. Pete gestured to Ryan pointing to the sleeping form in his lap. Ryan nodded getting up to fix the bed for Spencer.
Pete slowly inched out of his seat holding Spencer securely in his arms. Pete carried Spencer to the bedroom and placed him in bed. Bringing the covers up to his chest. Ryan then changed back into his pajama pants and slide into the covers. Pete waved goodnight to Ryan leaving the room and closing the door softly behind him.
Ryan watched Spencer sleep noticing that the stress that Spencer held onto was now completely gone. A sense of calm and happiness graced his friends sleep form. He smiled and grabbed his notebook off the nightstand, flipping through old and new songs he had written over the years. He looked over at Spencer once more and smiled. He finally found an empty page and clicked his pen ready. He knew that Spencer had a long ways to go to heal but knew that he would sleep better, knowing that his friends loved and cared as much as they did. Ryan stretched his fingers and set his pen to paper. Writing always seemed to clam him, it helped to empty his mind of unwanted jibber jabber. He stole another look at Spencer's sleeping form wondering if he should get Spencer a few notebooks to write into, before setting himself to writing in his notebook.
“...I'm gay.” he said smiling.
Everyone was quiet. Four had shocked looks on their face, while three just smiled. Ryan placed his hand on Spencer's shoulders making him look away from everyone to him. Spencer smiled as Ryan smiled back. Turning back to the others he took a deep breath and began to tell his reasons. Everyone sat waiting.
“Well to begin I was gay since freshmen year in high school.” Spencer said looking at Ryan again then back to the others. “The first guy I ever dated, and Ryan you know him, was a guy called Chris.”
“Yeah, I remember him, he used to follow us around school.” said Ryan thinking back to high school. Spencer smiled knowing Ryan remembered Chris.
“He and I lasted through high school but we really didn't do anything except make-out. He wanted to do more, but I wasn't really ready so he and I didn't last after graduation. Then about two months later I met this named Zach, who was 21. He was nice and sweet to me and we did everything to together. But in the end he just wanted one thing and I was still scared and not really ready for that next step in the relationship. So he dumped me. After Zach I have been pretty much single.” said Spencer not wanting to go into any more detail of past relations.
“Wait, What about Sydney?” asked Joe who was just getting used to the idea of Spencer being gay.
“Oh, well she was just to keep up appearances really. She knew about me being gay.” Spencer said smiling a little.
“Wait, she knew, but you didn't tell us?” asked Brendon getting upset.
Spencer smiled wider and chuckled. “She figured it out, said I was obvious.”
“Obvious? Then why didn't we see it?” Jon asked looking at Spencer with raised eyebrows.
“Well I tried hiding it while around any of you. I didn't want any of you knowing, I was afraid you wouldn't want me around if I told you.” Spencer said wanting to back to his story. “Anyway, about 8 months ago I met this guy I really liked, named Kale and he felt the same way. We decided to try dating even though we both moved around a lot because of our jobs. He was a photographer and painter which most of his work can be viewed on his web site he has. He and I were for better words dating and we both had very little time off together. But when we did, he was great. He made me laugh and always listened to me when I talked. He even was good at sweet talking me and spoiling me whenever and wherever. After about five months, and he wanted to go further into the relationship and well you know” Spencer stopped for a minute blushing. “At first I said no, then he slowly talked into it.” said Spencer to let this sink in.
Everyone waited patiently for Spencer to continue, knowing that the worst was to come. Spencer let out a breath and stood up, walking toward the T.V. and fireplace not wanting to sit anymore.”After my first time, he wanted to do it again. I did too, but then that's when he was trying to get me to quit the band to live with him on the road so that we could be together more often then we were. The first time I said no, he got really angry and that when he hit me. So that every time we met up after that we would get into a big fight and he would hit me again. I got so fed up with the way he was treating me and I tried to end the relationship, he got so upset by that, he tried to kill himself.” Spencer said looking at his own wrist.
“Did he cut himself?” Andy asked looking concerned for Spencer's sake.
Spencer lightly touched his still throbbing wound. “Yea.” he said not looking up from his wrist. He studied his wrist a while longer before looking up to his friends. “I tried to save him by stopping the bleeding, but I couldn't, not even the medics could save him. They were a few seconds to late. It was before the Awards show when it happened. I guess I just went down hill since than. I slowly stopped eating. The day that you three...” he said nodding to his bandmates. “found me was the day I made up my mind. I couldn't live with the fact that I was the cause, the reason he died, the reason he killed himself.” Spencer brought his hands to his face not wanting his friends to see him cry even more then he already had.
Ryan immediately went to Spencer and put him in his arms. “Ssshhh... It's alright... ssshhh...It's okay...” he said comforting his best friend. Brendon and Jon joined soon after whispering comforting words and massaging Spencer's back and shoulders. Spencer cried harder than he ever had in his life, not of grief, but of a calm and overwhelming sense that suddenly came over him as his close friends held him. He finally realized the stupidity of his actions three weeks ago. Spencer realized that the death of his late boyfriend, Kale was just a mere accident, he hadn't need to hurt himself in the process. He knew he wasn't at fault for Kale's death. He knew he was ready to move on, but now he would be more cautious about who he'd date, not wanting to go through that ordeal again. Maybe he would find a real love, one who he was meant to be with.
Spencer wiggled out of his friends embrace, walking to sit in the empty seat next to Andy. He leaned back pushing his hair back as well. He sighed deeply closing his eyes. He sat like this for a while, until he felt a hand on his arm. He open one eye and turned to face Andy. “Yea?” he asked wondering what Andy wanted.
“You not only have Ryan, Brendon, and Jon, but us as well. Whenever you need to talk don't hesitate to call me, Pete, Joe, or Patrick. We care about you just as much. Even when you and I hang out and throw down beats, don't hesitate to say anything. We all want to know what's going on within that head of yours.” said Andy seriously, but with a hint of a smile.
Spencer smiled back and looked at Pete, Joe, and Patrick each in turn. “I won't, that's one promise I'm definitely keeping.” he said as Pete got from where he was sitting and moved to the other side of Spencer. At lost for words Pete decided to just pull Spencer practically into his lap, hugging him showing how he loved him. Spencer surprised by this action just hugged back. Andy soon joined followed by Patrick and Joe.
After a while they broke apart, Pete staying where he was wanting nothing more than to just hold his friend in his lap. Spencer didn't care, in fact he'd rather just stay there, too tired to move. Exhausted having to relive all that he had push to the back of his mind. Soon he fell asleep knowing how much hiss band and friends really loved him.
Pete smiled when he heard a slight snore come from his youngest and dearest friend. Pete gestured to Ryan pointing to the sleeping form in his lap. Ryan nodded getting up to fix the bed for Spencer.
Pete slowly inched out of his seat holding Spencer securely in his arms. Pete carried Spencer to the bedroom and placed him in bed. Bringing the covers up to his chest. Ryan then changed back into his pajama pants and slide into the covers. Pete waved goodnight to Ryan leaving the room and closing the door softly behind him.
Ryan watched Spencer sleep noticing that the stress that Spencer held onto was now completely gone. A sense of calm and happiness graced his friends sleep form. He smiled and grabbed his notebook off the nightstand, flipping through old and new songs he had written over the years. He looked over at Spencer once more and smiled. He finally found an empty page and clicked his pen ready. He knew that Spencer had a long ways to go to heal but knew that he would sleep better, knowing that his friends loved and cared as much as they did. Ryan stretched his fingers and set his pen to paper. Writing always seemed to clam him, it helped to empty his mind of unwanted jibber jabber. He stole another look at Spencer's sleeping form wondering if he should get Spencer a few notebooks to write into, before setting himself to writing in his notebook.
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