Story: My first attempt at an American Dad fanfic.This is my first ever American Dad fanfic. It's in three parts. I've written fanfics before, mostly Futurama, so here is my first ever American Dad fanfic. Enjoy!
"Immature Toilet Humor"
Opening Credits Scene
Roger is dressed as Klaus.
The Smith Family sans Roger and Klaus are in the SUV driving to Walmart The Kinks song 'Sunny Afternoon' plays up until the SUV is parked.
Stan (getting out of the SUV): sighs Wal-mart! Even in a recession places like this make us realize just how great and wonderful American capitalism really is!
Francine, Hayley, and Steve get out of the SUV and Hayley walks away.
Hayley: I'm hooking up with Jeff, if anyone cares.
Francine sighs despondently until she sees a 'Meet Barney' sign.
Francine: Hey, Steve! Would you like mommy to take you to go see Barney?
Steve (disgusted): No! I don't like Barney! I like Jabba the Hut!
Stan: Oops! You lucked out Francine! They're actually going in there to beat up Barney!
A bunch of kids in the distance were beating up a guy in a Barney costume then came running out of the tent.
Stan: They'd much rather see those dudes over there dressed like Beavis and Butt-head!
Then some kids went in line to see two guys dressed as Beavis and Butt-head.
Stan: Ahhhh. Kids. No matter how hard we try, they always end up watching things they shouldn't be watching! (turns his head to the screen) Hint, hint!
Inside the Wal-mart Stan and Francine were in the hardware department.
Francine: What exactly are we looking for again?
Stan: A Sump Pump! Our toilet is clogged! Being the man that I am I'm fixing it myself!
Francine notices Steve is gone.
Francine (panicked): Oh, no! Steve is gone! He was here a while ago and he's gone! Gone Baby Gone! Like that movie!
Stan (angerly): Calm down, Francine! Hayley and Steve are very independent teenagers! They don't need mommy breathing down their necks! Now help me find a Sump Pump before I taze ya, bro!
Francine (calms down): Okay.
In the automotive department Steve is chasing Hayley with ANCO Windshield Wipers.
Hayley (looking back every five seconds): groan grunt growl growls Steve! Will you please stop following me around with those stupid windshield wipers?
Steve: Laurel and Hardy are chasing you! I can't help it!
Hayley (stops): Get out of here, I'm meeting my boyfriend!
Steve: Your 50th boyfriend?
Hayley: No, the one I've been dating since high school, Jeff!
Steve (holding the box of windshield wipers to Hayley's face): Wouldn't you rather go out with some older men? Hundreds of years your senior? Look at Laurel and Hardy here! Don't you want to kiss their lips? (makes kissing sounds).
Hayley: Stop that! I mean it! I don't like them! They suck! That's it! Put those back before I tell the manager I caught you shoplifting!
Steve: Fine! You're no fun! Dad was right about you libreals! You people have no sense of humor! (walks off)
Jeff shows up.
Jeff: Hey, Hayley, babe! Wanna get outta here?
Hayley: You bet.
Jeff sees that box of ANCO windshield wipers.
Jeff: Who are those dudes? Is that Dick Van Dyke?
Hayley: No just some old dead comedians that nobody remembers.
Stan, Francine, and Steve were at the checkout counter with the Sump Pump.
Stan: Good, we finally got the Sump Pump!
Francine: And at an unbeatable low price!
Stan: Just hope Roger and Klaus don't discover the clog before we get home!
Back at the Smith's house, Roger is panicking over the toilet.
Roger (constantly flushing and stops): Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Klaus (coming in): What're you 'Oh, Godding' about?
Roger: I clogged the toilet, do something to help me!
Klaus: You didn't clog it, the broken Sump Pump did!
Roger: Really? whew Would you help me fix it before Stan comes home?
Klaus: What's in it for me?
Roger: Once Stan sees what a good job we did, we'll be heroes! We'll get the respect and ass-kissing we deserve! Who knows? Maybe Stan and Frannie will even turn against Hayley and Steve!
Klaus: Wunderbar! I'll go get something!
Klaus (comes in with a can of Lye): This is all we have.
Roger: No, put that back! Get some Rid-X instead!
Klaus: Why can't we use it?
Roger: Because Stan beat me up once when he caught me snorting it!
Roger decides to use it as Klaus puts it in the toilet and Roger flushes it.
Roger: Dammit! Should've used Rid-X This isn't working!
Klaus: We'll use something else, and for the last time, we don't have Rid-X!
Klaus: (comes in with a plumber's snake): Let's try this.
Roger uses the snake and it come up out of the toilet lid. Then again and out of the shower, then again, out of the roof, then out of the flagpole until the snake comes up out of Chuck White's toilet.
Chuck: Boy, Family Circus sure is funny, ha....screaming
Chuck gets up from the toilet and sees the snake and he's bleeding from his buttocks.
Roger and Klaus were out of options.
Roger: Hey, Klaus, what's the best way to get rid of clogs inexpensively?
Klaus: Let's try this stuff, Indian Plumber!
Klaus opens the bottle and fumes come out. Roger and Klaus get high from the fumes. Then they hallucinate about totem poles and cornstalks. They start dancing.
Roger and Klaus (singing in an Indian-style tune): Indian Plumber! Unclogging your pipes today! Indian Plumber! You know there's no better way! Indian Plumber! Keeping those damned clogs at bay! Indian Plumber! The more you use the less you pay!
The song continues to go on as so. Until they hallucinate that a wolf comes out of the toilet and eats the cornstalks and totem poles.
Roger and Klaus: (screaming)
Stan, Francine, Steve come home. Hayley comes home with Jeff.
Steve: Okay, nobody better bother me! My friends and I are having a TV party!
Francine: Can mommy make you some milk and cookies?
Stan: Or beer and pretzels?
Steve sees Barry, Toshi, and Snot at the front door.
Stan: OKay, time to fix that toilet! But, first, what's on TV that's gotten you all exicted? You guys going to watch that new Lady GaGa video on MTV?
Snot: Hardly not, Mr. Smith.
Steve: Every Friday this summer, TCM shows old comedy teams from the olden days! Today they're showing Laurel and Hardy!
Snot: Yeah, we're big fans! And next week they're showing Jack Benny and Rochester!
Steve: Barry here does a hilarious impersonation of Rochester!
Snot: Do it, Barry!
Barry (as Rochester): Right boss!
Everyone laughs especially Stan.
Francine: You kids must be very proud! You're the only kids in your generation that know who they are!
Stan: True that!
They all go inside. Stan goes to fix the toilet and Sump Pump, Steve and his friends go to the living room, Jeff and Hayley up to her room.
End of Part 1.
Scenes 4-5I only have time to write in two scenes because my friends wanted to use the internet. I'll write more tommorow!
Once Stan walks into the bathroom, he sees Roger and Klaus still high from the fumes from Indian Plumber.
Stan: What the beep! Get outta here! We got company! What do you think this is? The set of Easy Rider? Or that Doors movie with Val Kilmar?
Roger: (stammering out) I want you to be beautiful! I want you to be beautiful!
Klaus: Ride the snake! Ride the snake! It's 20 feet long!
Stan starts working on the toilet but struggles. He keeps insisting that he doesn't need help.
Stan: Son of a bitch! Dammit!
Francine: Maybe you should call a plumber!
Stan: No! A real man doesn't need help fixing a toilet! Get out of here! You're more annoying than Flo from those Progessive commercials!
Hayley and Jeff walk in.
Hayley: Hey, Dad! I'll help you fix the toilet!
Jeff: Yeah, Mr. S! Show me a few tricks of the trade! Since you know that (voice breaking) I never had a father to teach me things! (sobs)
Stan: Two wannabe hippies helping a conservative man to fix a toilet! (laughs) That's like a kitten in a slipper!
Roger: (in disguise) Hey, Stan! I know who can help you fix that!
Klaus: Yes, he's from Ohio....
Roger: He spoke out for his praise of McCain.....
Klaus: He's had a country music album that bombed.......
Roger: Saturday Night Live made fun of him.......
Stan: (grunting in anger)
Roger: You know who we're talking about.....
Roger and Klaus: Joe the Plumber!
Stan: That's it! If you two do another Joe the Plumber joke, I'm smashing your asses with a sledgehammer! And I'm not talking Peter Gabriel!
Roger and Klaus run away laughing.
Meanwhile, in the living room, Steve and his friends were getting ready to watch TCM.
Steve: So, what fun adventures await Laurel and Hardy today?
Snot: I hope they don't unwittingly join the military in this one!
Barry: That means they can't wear their derbies.
Steve: Know what you mean, Snot. That's an overused cliche. Even the Three Stooges ran that river dry.
Steve turns on the TV.
TV: Today on Turner Classic Movies, It's Comedy Friday and next up it's The Fortune Cookie with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matheau!
Steve (angerly): What? Are they kidding us? Are they kidding us? Are they beep kidding us? They're supposed to show Laurel and Hardy not some mediocre con artist comedy!
Snot: Relax Steve! Calm down. We'll go to our backup plan! We'll watch one of these forgotten 90's kids movies: "The Secret of Roan Inish", "Man of the House", "Angus", or "Dunstun Checks In".
Barry (holding a DVD set): Or this early 90's Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon! (singing) Blue Streak speeds by, he's the fastest thing alive!
Steve (scoffs): Does anyone even remember those movies? I've seen that Sonic cartoon before, it sucked! No relevance to the games whatsoever! Sonic's not lucky enough to have a bunch of groupies follow him around. And what was up with Robotnik having an assistant who was his cousin or something?
Klaus: Hey, boys. Your father has ventroloquist puppets of Laurel and Hardy in his study. Why don't you go play with them?
Steve: Great idea! C'mon guys!
Barry: I got a better name for that movie.
Snot: What is it?
Barry: The Asshole Cookie!
Steve and his friends laugh.
Toshi (in subtitles): Why do I put up with them? I found that to be in very bad taste!
Part 3 tommorow!
The conclusionScene 6:
Stan gives in and decides Steve and his friends should help him. Steve, Snot, Toshi, and Barry are in Stan's study.
Stan: You know what, Francine. You're right. Can't do this alone!
Francine: Takes a real man to admit that, let me call a plumber!
Stan: Better yet! Steve and his friends can help me! Make a man out of him, yet!
Klaus: They're in your study. TCM wasn't showing what they wanted to see as it turns out.
Meanwhile in Stan's study, Steve, Barry, Snot, and Toshi were taking the heads off of the Laurel and Hardy ventroloquist puppets and putting them on oversized Transformers toys.
Snot: We sure dodged a bullet with that Sonic cartoon!
Steve: Glad we decided to do this instead! Sonic X, now that's a Sonic cartoon!
Barry: This is just like first grade when we played with Garfield and Odie plushies!
Stan walks in.
Stan: Hey, Steve, I'm going to teach you and your fellow geeks what every man needs to.......(screams) WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING TO MY LAUREL AND HARDY VENTROLOQUIST PUPPETS?!?!?!?!
Barry: We're turning them into Transformers! (showing Stan the dummy head on Transformer) Hardymus Prime!
Steve (showing Stan the dummy head on his Transformer): Look! Dad! Laurelwave!
Stan: Those were a gift from my father before he walked out! Just for that, you guys are going to help me fix that toilet!
Shortly Stan had Steve and Snot flushing and plunging.
Steve: Why do we have to do this?
Stan: Because you'll be a man soon and every man should learn how to fix a toilet! Chicks dig that!
Snot: If you insist.
Stan: And you broke my puppets! Now to go check on the other two now!
In the basement, Stan had Barry and Toshi install the new Sump Pump Toshi was already halfway done.
Stan: Man, your Japanese sure know how to fix things! You people are so techological! So it's no surprise!
Barry: This Sump Pump has a name (pointing to the UL symbol) It's OOL!
Stan (cynically): Yeah, sure. Why not?
Stan looks at Barry with a sly smile on his face.
Stan: Say, Barry I forgot to ask, who do you like better? Laurel or Hardy?
Barry: I like Laurel! His derby makes him look distinguished! I relate to him!
Stan: What to know what my favorite Laurel and Hardy movie is? The Fighting Kentuckian. Know who else was in that? The Duke! John Wayne! The movie starts off as Laurel and Hardy were walking through the woods looks for John Wayne so they can join him on his expedition. When they meet, John Wayne observed them as he reached for his Kentucky Long Rifle and sitting on a porch of a log cabin and says, "Hmmmm, like the fat one....(raising his voice)....But I don't like the skinny one!" And BANG!! He shots Laurel and the only thing left of him was a derby full of buckshot! (laughs)
Barry: That sounds scary Mr. Smith!
Stan: Scary but true, fix that Sump Pump!
Toshi (in subtitles): If you believe for one minute that happened in that movie, then you are more gullible than I thought you were!
In the bathroom, Steve and Snot notice there's something stuck in the toilet!
Steve: Dad! I think we're onto something here!
Stan (running in): What is it?
Snot: Something's stuck!
Stan: We're going to get it out! Keep flushing and pumping!
Steve and Snot did so while Stan kept chanting "Flush and Pump"! Meanwhile, Toshi and Barry came in to announce they installed the Sump Pump. Then Steve pulls out something heavy with the plunger and Stan and Steve both pull it out. Then out comes an oversized goldfish that jumps out the window. The goldfish was Klaus from when he had his body switched.
Oversized Goldfish: (screaming in German)
Stan: Oh, my God! That used to be Klaus! From that one time Francine had a muffin kiosk and I switched his body with that black guy!
The oversized goldfish was on Stan's lawn.
Roger: It's collosal! It's stupendous! Hey, wait a minute! That's you!
Klaus: If you insult me one more time, I'm chasing you down the neighborhood with a chainsaw!
The Oversized Goldfish kept screaming in German disturbing the neighbors, causing an outrage.
Chuck: Hey, Smith! Shut that thing up, Ha! Ha!
Stan: Don't worry! I have everything under control! (runs into his study and gets a rifle) I can't miss with my Ted Nugent rifle! (cocks rifle)
Hayley (walking in): You're going to shoot that first, aren't you?
Stan: I have to! If I don't I'll become a pariah! Greg and Terry will be more popular than me! Can't let that happen!
Hayley: That fish has a right to be live! It needs to be set free!
Stan: You liberals puzzle me! An unborn fetus has no right to live, but a giant goldfish who screams German propaganda does?
Hayley: This isn't over!
Stan: Oh, yes it is!
Scene 8 Conclusion:
Hayley goes outside to meet Jeff. She throws a rock in a fit of rage.
Jeff: What's wrong Hayley, babe?
Hayley: My facsist father wanted to kill that goldfish!
Jeff: That's terrible! What will we do to stop him?
Hayley: What we always do when we want something. Protest! We are going to fight for this fish's right to live! (hitting her fist into the palm or her hand)
Jeff: What do you have in mind?
Hayley: What about a bed-in?
Jeff: How about a van-on?
Hayley: Like the way you think!
Overtime Jeff and Hayley had the whole neighborhood protesting for the fish. Everyone sang 'Give Peace a Change' but the lyrics were changed to 'Set This Fish Free'.
Francine (looking out the window): What strange kids we have. Our daughter has started her own Woodstock singing John and Yoko songs, and our son like old comedy teams.
Steve: Hey, Dad! Want me to help you fix that problem?
Stan: No. If Jeff and Hayley want to be like John and Yoko, why don't they go on a late night talk show, call some random number and tell the person on the other end they love them?
Roger: I remember when that happened! I was there!
Stan (To Roger): I...I....I....I.....me....me.....me.....me! Stop bringing yourself into everything!
Stan, Francine, Roger, Steve, and his friends ran outside. Stan tries to stop the protest and notices Reginald is there.
Stan: Reginald! You're part of this, too?
Reginald: I've been where he's been, man! Besides I love a good protest! Especially since Hayley started it!
Stan (yelling): All right. Nothing else to see here! Show's over, go home!
Roger sees something in the distance.
Green Day's East Jesus Nowhere plays.
Roger: Oh, Stan?
Stan: Not now, Roger!
Roger: But I'm warning you about something!
Stan: I'll warn you in a minute! Everybody....
Roger: Stan! Stan! Stan!
Stan: All right, what?
Roger: Are those Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots over there?
The robots turned out to be the Laurel and Hardy ventroloquist puppets turned Transformers. They came to life. They both shot a missle at the goldfish and the goldfish blew up. Fish guts were all over the neighborhood.
Steve: Wow! We made those things well!
Snot: Well, indeed!
Barry: Perhaps too well!
Toshi screams in Japanese and runs away.
Stan: Welp, at least we don't have to worry about that fish anymore!
Francine: Yes, especially now that the whole neighborhood is covered in fish beep
Jeff (crying): We lost the fight, Hayley! We lost the fight!
Hayley: Don't worry! There's other fights! (holds tickets) I got us tickets to see that play 'Emmett and Anne' at the Smithsonian.
Jeff: Sounds good to me.
Francine: Hey, Steve did you make those robots?
Steve: Yes, I did, why?
Francine: You saved the neighborhood! Mommy's so proud of you! (hugs and kisses Steve).
Snot (laughs): Steve's such a Momma's boy!
Barry: This makes me glad I have parents who hate me!
Stan: So, who wants to help me clean up the neighborhood?
Everyone: Uhhhh, nope!
Everyone goes home.
Stan: Oh, hell! I'm a man! I'll do it myself!
Roger (eating the fish guts): Guess what I'm eating, Klaus?
Klaus (sighs): What?
Roger: I'm eating you! (laughs)
Klaus (chasing Roger down the street): That's it you've been warned! I'll get you!
Roger (calling out): Like to see you try, Charlie Tuna!
Roger runs down the street and jumps up in the air and cheers.
Closing Credits Scene:
Roger and Klaus were watching the Sonic the Hedgehog DVDs.
Klaus: Geez, Steve's right about this cartoon. No relevance to the games!
Roger: It's not even funny. It's so dark and morbid.
Klaus: This was supposed to be for kids?
Roger: Where's the humor? Where's the social commentary? Where's the rips of current events and celebrities?
Klaus: I don't like Sonic's 'cool' attitude. What's the point of these Freedom Fighters?
Roger: How's he lucky enough to date a princess?
Klaus: Say, I know who can help Sonic! He's from Ohio......
Roger: Yes, he got 15 minutes of fame for speaking on behalf of McCain....
Klaus: Saturday Night Live made fun of him.....
Roger: His country music album bombed.....
Roger and Klaus: JOE THE PLUMBER!!!!!
Stan (running downstairs): Okay, that's it! You two have been warned!
Roger and Klaus run away from the living room.
Stan (sees TV): What the hell is this crazy crap? Go to bed everyone! Show's over, nothing to see! Good night!
(Turns off TV)
Hope you enjoyed my American Dad fanfic! I'm open to any comments or criticisms!
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