First of all, if this seems picky, then sorry! The premise seems interesting, so I'm just going to offer a few pointers on how to make it more readable. Just grammar and layout really, but it will help keep people reading!
When you have dialogue, it's usual to start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes; makes it easier to keep track.
It's best to either have tabs at the start of paragraphs, or a line between paragraphs - whichever, make sure you use it consistently.
I don't know why this is, but there's a grammar rule that says when you open speech marks, you should have a piece of punctuation before them, a comma or a full stop or whatever. Eg: "Torgot writes great fiction!"
Uh, what else was I going to say? Oh, yeah. 'someone' and 'whatever' are both one word. Ok, that really was picky, I'll stop now...
Hope this is some help,
TS
Author\'s Response: Doesn’t seem picky to me I can always use advise as I am new to writing. I do use tabs at the beginning of new paragraphs but I've never really been sure when to start a new paragraph so I just kind of guess. And for some reason my spell check doesn’t recognize someone and whatever as one word. I will continue to try and improve my writing and thanks for the tips.