I think you should slow the pace down a little bit.
It goes too fast for you to be able to grasp. Maybe add a little more detail on each part.
But as I tis, It kinda goes by like channelsurfing on the television, bits and pieces and no whole picture...
Hm. By details, do you mean physical descriptions? The sex? Surroundings? Because I mostly do emotional descriptions, and I didn't really want the sex to be too graphic.