Review for The First Insight

The First Insight

(#) AylahMS 2008-06-10 10:41:52 PM

This is a rather promising line of thought, I believe (of course, I could be biased, since Vince and Aerith are my favourite FFVII characters).

Other than saying I like this (which I do, a lot), I would like to comment a bit on your writing.

First off, and this might be an upload error, the last paragraph got all messed up -- no spaces between sentences, and I'm sure you meant it to be at least two paragraphs, not just one big block of text. Maybe you could fix that to provide a cleaner, easier read.

As for the writing itself, I found that you tend to be a bit repetitive with your terms (/hues/, /yet/, stuff like that). Maybe if you could find some synonyms or alternate literary expressions, the reading would be smoother and far more enthralling.

Also, Vincent's monologues tended to repeat the same thing twice in a sentence, making it longer than needed -- it made me want to skip to the next thought a couple of times, to be perfectly honest.

On the subject of Vincent's speech -- I found it to be a bit "common" compared to the way he talks during FFVII, AC and the beginning of DoC. He has a slightly more serious, formal way of speaking, I think, and at times during your story what he said sounded like something Cloud could've said -- which isn't bad, /per se/, but it would help keep him more in character if you tried to match his speech to that of the games.

Anyway, just thought I'd drop my two -cents in. I hope this review helps you, and I'll be on the lookout for more of your stories.

Have a nice day!

Aylah

Author's response

Heya! Thanks for the feedback :) Yas, it wasnt supposed to come out in one big blob, ut i think i was supposed to put like 'p' for paragraphs in. I was supposed to change it but was in a ruh for work, came home and it had been read and i didnt want to delete it haha. But yeah, the end i felt i got a bit rushy on it. I was going to go back and edit, but i had been really busy and though, and ended up not getting round to it wich was a shame. I wanted to do a better proof read and like you said, make sure i dont repeat thing like 'hues' s sometimes you just dont realise it till you read it through again. But im glad you liked the idea, its a shame i never got round to bettering it. I was debating doing it differntly instead of from Vincent eyes, but i wasnt sure. But thank you agian ^^ I guess i shouldnt have been so eager to post it haha. But yes, the blobby text did annoy me, i was like noooooo it looked so neat! but yeah :P
Thank you again, and maybe i shall post some new stories! :P I never wrote any before this so it will be fun to write more... hmm.. im blabbing, i shal shut up now... CYAAAA

kimmik
xx

P.S: Sorry for letter going missing i think in some of my words. Im on my lap top and all a bit BLERRR. But yet again im in a rush and just saw i had a response so i had to reply ^.^ haha but yes, hope my reply made sense.
bye again!

P.S again: haha god ! i will leave any minute now, but i just realised, i was supposed to say that i was thinking of doing it through Vincents eyes like my other story. I think i typed, 'not' through Vincents eyes... god im scatty today. But yes, must dash! thank you again again again haha

xxx




HELLO AGAIN!

If you hve come on here again, i thought I would let you knwo i went back to edit my story to gave me tips for. I added the 'p' to actualy make the paragraphs so it wasnt one big blob and i changed a few bits in the writing as it hought they sounded crap. But thank you again for all your advice and i took them all in and i went through the story to make the changes ^.^ It does read a bit better now... still a bit crappy i think but mer, it was a bit of fun writing.

Thanks!

Kimmik

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