This is a very promising line of thought. I was only kind of annoyed 'cause the way you typed it up - periods instead of comas galore, which made reading kind of bunched up and difficult. If you could have it beta'd it would read a lot easier and have a deeper impact, I think. Also, the conversation between Seguchi and Yuki was kinda mangled, I think - didn't go smoothly, is what I mean, basically.
Still, real sweet story. You just need to work on form a bit :)