Unrealistic. It it sounds terribly choppy, and there's not near enough detail to make it good writing.
Let me give you an example of what I mean- istead of "
Kari, Dana and Ella looked up as the radio was cut off. They were greeted by Rachael standing in front of them, arms folded and foot tapping.
My one chance of going to and MCR show, ruined by that bitch she thought as she looked up at Rachael,
you could say, "The three friends glanced up, startled, as the radio cut off. Standing beside the device was Rachael, with her arms crossed and a smug sneer on her lips.
/My one chance of going to an MCR show, ruined by that bitch/, thought Kari as she glared hatefully across at the other girl to hide her despair."
By the way, you failed to specify whose thought it was at the end, though it is assumed that it's Kari's. Just thought I ought to point that out.
Author's response
If I had wanted to write that then I would of.
I appreciate you giving me 'constructive' criticism at first but now your just irritating me. I am not going to change my story, because obviously other people like it.
And the line My one chance of going to an MCR show, ruined by that bitch was obviously Kari as she was the one wanting to go to an MCR show, and her chance was ruined because Rachael switched off the radio.
So thanks, but I dont appreciate you trying to re-arrange my story
No offence intended.