Hmmm... I just don't love this. I like it but I reckon the lyrics kind of ruin it, like there's so many and it makes the speech jar. I do like it though.
I know what you mean. I'm not loving that story either. Scratch that, i actually love the story idea, but trying to write it using the lyrics wasn't a good idea.
Maybe I'll try writing it normally, huh?
Thanks for being honest =) And I'm glad you at least like it.