not bad,pretty well done.you get points for your orginal idea,breaking down the third wall.good job bringing orignal characters into your story.they were able to keep your story going pretty strong for the most part. however, the one chink in your story's armor is your last chapter's ending,kinda weak on the end.but for the most part it was good.
Author's response
Thanks for the opinion. I waited SO long for another review. The ending, well that was meant to make it more serious. Also a cliff hanger.
But I have a question too. Whats the third wall u said?