stretching her walls to their very limits as he forced himself deep inside her core
Too cliché for words
Hermione ridding him
riding
their antics seemed to of unlocked a side to Hermione
of -> have. In general, (verb) to have (as in seemed "to have") or (modal) have (as in "would have"). Modal auxiliaries are: will, would, shall, should, must, could, might, may,
Harry defending her hour
honor
Instead, she was presented with a night that very essence revolved around animal lust and pent up longing
that -> whose, or "instead, the night's very essence revolved…"
and he was about to devourer
devour
as watched the wolf form of her best friend approach and taking a cautious step back; the witch felt the hard wood of the door press against her back.
…as _she_ watched the wolf form…
and, taking a cautious step back, the witch… (the sub-clause "taking…back" modifies the clause "the witch felt…". Therefore, set it off with commas like an appositive.
how long she'd been lying their
there
and their was no doubt in her mind that he would kill and then eat her bloody remains..
their -> there
He would kill her bloody remains? I suspect you mean "he would kill her and eat her bloody remains." (which is also purple prose for "eat her body", or just "kill and eat her").
.are either of you two in their
there
pressed the end of his muzzle against her lips, sealing them in an almost human kiss.
Here we get into the real problems with this otherwise promising piece of porn: wolves don't kiss the way humans do. They lick. They smell — the scent of an aroused she-wolf is a power turn-on for a male.
and plundering her orifice with his savage tongue like it were the belly of a deer.
What? It sounds like rape, not like a French Kiss. "orifice" for mouth? And comparing her mouth to the belly of a deer? Sex and hunting are very different emotions for a wolf.
To stunned to dare move
Too stunned…
to: preposition, goes before a noun — or preceding a verb makes the infinitive ("to (boldly) go where no man has gone before")
two: number 2
too: adverb: excessively. In this case, a pithier way to express "more stunned than would allow her to move"
an overwhelming cocktail that quite literally stepped on his tail…
I wish this had appeared in a newspaper somewhere. I would submit it to Fowler's Modern English Usage for their article on misuse of literally. A cocktail stepped on his tail? Really? In the first place, literally should not be used when you mean virtually. In the second, even "virtually" doesn't fit this sentence. Let's try… to form an overwhelming _sexual_ cocktail that brought him up short as if someone had stepped on his tail.
As I've written in other reviews, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug." (Mark Twain). A writer should take the time and effort to find and use the right word, so as to produce the effect of lightning on his reader instead of a mere lightning bug.
Revelling in the sight of her like she were some magnificent doe just ripe for devouring, Harry's ravenous eyes slowly travelled up the creamy white skin of her slender torso to the luscious sight of her fully formed breasts; their milky complexion accentuated somewhat by the contrasting rosy shade of her stiff nipples. Just gazing at the magnificent orbs sent a shiver down the wolf's spine as he felt his considerably aroused wolfhood growing and protruding from it's warm sheath to hang between his hind legs as the still human part of his mind marvelled her beauty.
Reveling
_its_ warm sheath
marveled
Worse yet, wolves don't have breasts like humans, and human breasts aren't going to be a turn-on to a wolf. It would be not unreasonable if you had Harry thinking like a human, but with one or two exceptions all your insights into his thoughts during this scene show the thoughts of a wolf. As such, he should have the sexual reactions of a wolf and be turned by her arousal scent rather than by her breasts.
Herewith the lecture on it's and its. 'Its" is a possessive pronoun, "of it". Would you say "he'r towel"? "hi's book"? Write "Its warm sheath" just as you would "his warm sheath". "It's" is a contraction: it is. _ It's_ a shame you never learned to write grammatical English. The grammar school you went to should have a paddle applied to _its_ (metaphorical) backside.
With her heart loudly beating loudly in her ear's
ears: simple s for a plural, apostrophe for a possessive.
…and didn't notice just how fast he was driving the poor girl to a mind blowing climax. However, he did knew it wouldn't be long now till she reached her peak.
Make up your mind. If he "didn't notice", then how did he "know it wouldn't be long now".
is poor Harry upset because he is no long in charge?
longer. Even better would be "he's not in charge any longer" — less stilted.
Despite this, she slowly continued to lower her oral cavity down the entire length of Harry's 12 inch cock, shivering slightly as she felt its hard, heated texture rub the sides of her warm mouth before pushing into her throat and only when her soft lips had reached the base of the werewolf''s magnificent shaft did she stop.
Come on, now. Male masturbation fantasy is all very well, but this is ridiculous. Hermione has _no_ previous sexual experience. Almost certainly she has never given head to anybody before, male or female. Yet now she is able to deep-throat a 12" penis on the first try? Beyond believability. And, I might add, completely unnecessary for the male's pleasure — all the most sensitive spots are on the head and the next inch or so.
Harry Reems (the male star of "Deep Throat") commented that it was actually rather painful, not at all pleasurable.
burning orifice
More porn cliché. It's very tempting when writing porn to use lots of different words for the same object, action, or condition, because you are describing the same body parts over and over. But overdoing it just leads to the writing error called "elegant variation"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elegant_variation
IOW, vary your words a little, but don't think you have to find 100 synonyms for mouth, penis, vagina, thrust, etc. Stick with a few that you really understand the meaning (and connotation) of. [Among other things, while a mouth is technically an orifice, the word conjures up images of a vagina or anus.]
Enough for one day's reading…