Review for AZKABAN

AZKABAN

(#) Ashestoashes 2009-08-19 06:15:49 AM

Follow up from before. I'll take your points chronologically with extras from the new reading.
I wrestled myself through the story again, although it's not the writing style itself that's bad.
It's not like there aren't some original/funny pieces in the story like Bones' part and the fun with Ron and other kicking/blasting people's nuts.

I thought it was quite possible it was a bit older than the posting date, which does explain the clichés a bit. I think it was the abuse of foreign languages and butchering of names that set me off in the end, coupled with the inconsistencies and plot holes.

I can't really comment on your 'Rue Fosse Aux Loups' because I don't really know what you mean.

The name of the French newspaper: J'Accuse.

Babelfish? Says enough. That's good to know what a text is about but correctly translate? ‘Ministre por le affaires de la Magiques’: OK - Spanish - the, male singular - female plural - of - the, f.sg. - adjective m./f.pl.

You have several English Madams and one French Madame Maxime and one wrongly English Madam Maxime.

Monsieur in short is M. not Msr. and you have a Misuer Potter which I presume is simply a miss on the keyboard.

Delacour: the official HP universe name (and therefor also in the HPLexicon, for your perusal). 'of the court'
De la Cour: a variant. Very interesting you knew a French guy De la Paz but his name is Spanish or Portuguese. French would be paix. Hmm, I see paz could also be Breton, but masculine then and with a totally different meaning.
De la Coeur: a name that occurs, but - like possible in names - grammatically incorrect. 'of the heart'
Du Coeur: grammatically correct variant.

The whole scene with the Delacours and the Minister is forced. Who invites a person to tell them at a dinner their mother figure is dead? If the Delacour family is the Bones' family in Marseille and Asclepias the one Susan is sent to and also the Minister of magical France it seems, why would she be worried or why would it be strange to have dinner with him? Why is it then he is there in his capacity of Minister instead of guardian? Why would Madame Maxime invite her if she is a ward/part of the Delacour family, even if she has been put with his nieces Ariadne and Jaqueline in a side branch by the family head/minister Asclepias? I guess school could be in session but then they would call her to the Headmistress' Office, where her family would be waiting for her, not give her an invitation for a dinner with "the Minister".

The Pomfrey Scene:
Reparo not Repairo, which quite certainly isn't the first spell he heard.
There is an Obliviate missing from the guard, Imperio doesn't make forget. Either he holds the Imperius or he obliviates her.

Fudge acts quite over the top, to keep it friendly, and in front of the international press too.

Malfoy should have died or withered away by now, so either you make such remark or he was healed and Bones' ploy was futile and stupid and a cause of much more deaths by his hand and money. Also not enough info how he, Dumbledore and Fudge survived the years without money and clearly implicated in the murder of a high ministry official.

You wrote: morituri et salutat: 'those who are about to die and he salutes'. The gladiator phrase is: morituri te salutant: 'those who are about to die salute you'. Singular: moriturus te salutat: 'he who is about to die salutes you'.

Fight scenes often are choreographed like a ballet but perhaps not always as balletic as this. And here the impression I got is a spastic whirling Harry who seems to have the time to talk with a Voldemort who seems to be able to follow but not fight like a dark lord and minions/props from both sides who are standing/tripping around them, sometimes near, sometimes far away, whatever fits your needs, sometimes doing a futile uncoordinated try to fight with the two divas.

Where do those black-robed deatheaters Harry fires those reductors at come from. The only two recognizable ones (and not in black robes) are already stunned.

Either Voldemort kills no reporters, or he kills them all.

Crucio isn't a flame whip you can flick from side to side.

Dolohov cheering and not paying attention? Artistic license I guess.

How he gets the time to take Tonks' wand and all the rest and find and drink the potion, I don't know...

Why would Voldemort be sickened by a blown up Carrow, especially while he is too enraged to notice his diminishing power.

Carefully casting four such precise cutting curses he only cuts Voldemort's tendons while he either is writhing in the dust with his hands (and wrists) between his legs or is struggling to get up and blast Harry? And the stealing of his wand is as unclear as this.

Either Harry is extremely fast and Voldemort is able to follow him but his Deatheaters are not, or they (and the Order) are standing around waiting to be killed with the exception of a few who try something but not with the brains of a veteran of several magical fights.

Ah well...

And then comes all the emotional crap.

With Moody hugging but not Augusta Longbottom?

Dumbledore saving his plans by exorcising all ghosts in front of the press after all he has (not) done already?

And, wow, suddenly his Founder drinking buddies appear, who he certainly must've met while he was meditating in Azkaban and has felt appearing again with his suddenly developed spirit senses... And poor McGonagall is the only one who faints... And Gryffindor makes a humorous remark... without the proper quotation marks which often seem to be misplaced.

Posting an old story doesn't mean you are not allowed to reread it. But like I said, not everything is bad, but I'd put up a warning for "old, now cliché, unbetaed, plotholic story".

Author's response

Hey again, Ashes.

'/Rue Fosse Aux Loups/' is the name of a street in Belgium. Due to the shared French/Dutch heritage of the area, streets often carry both 'Rue' (Fr. Road) and 'Fosse' (Du. 'Canal') I needed a magical sounding name in Belgium for the twins to set up shops. 'The road/canal of wolves' sounded good to me.

The name of the French newspaper: J'Accuse.
Je Accuse/, was a scathing article written by Emile Zola in the Paris literary newspaper, /L'Aurore (The Dawn) on Thursday, Jan. 13, 1898, denouncing the baseless 1894 arrest and conviction for treason, of Capt. Alfred Dreyfus, a Jewish artillery officer in the French army. I have used it as the name of a newspaper in some of my other writings.

Madame -v- Madam. OK.

"Misuer' is a frequently used variation on Monsieur and is spoken 'Mis-u'. I didn't know about the abbreviation.

Del la Paz: He says he's French, he's a Marine, he's got a machinegun. 'Nuff sed. As I said, I don't speak any French you'd want to hear.

M. Delacour didn't invite Susan to dinner to tell her that her Great-aunt was dead, but to ask her if she was willing to accept the protection of the most politically powerful family in wizarding France. In centuries past, an invitation to dinner was often 'polite-eze' for business discussions. After all, as Kahn told Captain Kirk: "Social events are warfare concealed."

If I were in her shoes, I think I'd rather the news came from someone I knew, than from a telegram. And yes, she was attending classes at Beauxbatons at the time, so it would have been appropriate for Mme. Maxime to pass along the invitation.

'Oculus Reparo' was the spell Hermione used (at least in the movie) to repair Harry's glasses on the train.

As for Pomfrey, The Auror really doesn't care. Though I didn't specifically say it, he was a marked Death Eater, which accounts for his use of an unforgivable. He knew that the rest of Dumbledore's gang were to be killed soon anyway.

Fudge saw something he couldn't explain. Something that shouldn't be possible. Suddenly his position of superiority was gone. He lost it. Simple as that.

Malfoy should have died or withered away by now.
I said slowly. I never said how long it would take.

Also not enough info how he, Dumbledore and Fudge survived the years without money and clearly implicated in the murder of a high ministry official.
Dumbledore would have his own cache of gold. While I detest the character, I can easily see him making back-up plans for, as Foghorn Leghorn says: "Just such an emergency." He would also be able to convince his followers that it was imperative they support him. Fudge, has the Malfoy money to fall back upon, along with assumed bribes from other sources. As for the implication of murder, with few exceptions, the wizards hold the goblins in contempt. Who are they gonna believe?

Morituri te Salutat...That's how I learned it, thirty years ago. I do not speak Latin either.

Fight scene...
Harry is on the equivalent of methamphetamine. His movements are going to be uncoordinated but very, very fast. As I said in another review, I watched this happen in San Diego. While serious, it was funny as hell!

And here the impression I got is a spastic whirling Harry who seems to have the time to talk with a Voldemort who seems to be able to follow but not fight like a dark lord...
Perfect! Harry's not talking, he's panting. He's yelling. He's throwing things. If you've ever seen a real gang fight, you'd recognize the tactic. Taunts and curses are part and parcel of such a fight. It's nothing like 'West Side Story'. Voldemort tends, in canon and most fanon, to fight from a distance, where he can observe the reactions of his victims, and counter them. He's also wholly unconcerned about 'collateral damage'. Harry's speed and erratic movements have eliminated this advantage. What's more, his taunts are really infuriating Voldemort, who feels that Harry should have just laid down and died like a good little boy.

Where do those black-robed deatheaters Harry fires those reductors at come from. The only two recognizable ones (and not in black robes) are already stunned.
Fire a pistol into a crowd. You're gonna hit /somebody/. As for where they came from, they were extra stormtroopers from Star Wars. They were hidden among the crowd of reporters under disillusionment charms, waiting for Voldy to show. Harry's surprise attack merely stirred them to action a bit early.

Either Voldemort kills no reporters, or he kills them all.
Sorry, no. To a terrorist, a threat is as good as an action. Voldy knew that Dumbledore didn't want to be seen as the cause of those other eighty deaths.

Crucio isn't a flame whip you can flick from side to side.
There is nothing whatsoever on wand movements in canon or the lexicon.

Dolohov cheering and not paying attention? Artistic license I guess.
Voldemort is a one man show. Given his canon personality, had anyone interfered with his fight, especially given how enraged he was, he's have killed them himself.

How he gets the time to take Tonks' wand and all the rest and find and drink the potion, I don't know...
I read this last night, before I went to bed. This morning, just as an experiment, I tried it. I had my daughter lie on her back with a belt holding a belt knife, and a pouch with three items inside. A perfume bottle, a lipstick and a pair of nail clippers. She had her wand in her hand (I made it for her birthday several years ago) and after running around the block three times, entered the house, and snatched the wand, knife and the perfume bottle from the pouch. My sister timed me. From entering the house, it took me four seconds to get the items and another to upend the perfume bottle over my mouth. If I can do that without any enhancing drugs, imagine what a hopped up Harry could do.

Why would Voldemort be sickened by a blown up Carrow, especially while he is too enraged to notice his diminishing power.
Wouldn't you be? In addition, Voldemort has an ego problem. Like Dumbledore, he believes he is a god.

Maybe I should have said, 'Quickly' -v- 'Carefully'. And I never said it only cut the tendons, just that it cut them. For all anyone knew, it could have cut clean to the bone...or more. He could even have stepped on the still-stunned Voldy's chest, hauled out each hand and cast, then gone after his legs before Voldemort could recover. In either case; I needed Voldemort to be incapable of either rising or using a wand. The shot to the 'nads would only hold him for so long.

Either Harry is extremely fast and Voldemort is able to follow him but his Deatheaters are not, or they (and the Order) are standing around waiting to be killed with the exception of a few who try something but not with the brains of a veteran of several magical fights.
Harry is very fast. (See: methamphetamine, above) The Deez are cowards. With very few exceptions, they are street thugs with wands...not particularly intelligent ones at that. They rely on forbidden curses and overwhelming numbers, and little else. They are also in shock that anyone would dare to attack their lord. And more that their lord would fire into a crowd of his morons...erm, minions. Shock does interesting things to people.

And then comes all the emotional crap.
What's wrong with emotional crap? This is a tragedy. Defined as being 'heaps of emotional crap over a thinly laid plot'.

With Moody hugging but not Augusta Longbottom?
Given the neglect and emotional abuse she's heaped on Neville over the years, can you honestly imagine Augusta Longbottom hugging /anybody/?

Dumbledore saving his plans by exorcising all ghosts in front of the press...
Dumbledore could easily convince the sheeple that he was concerned for their safety, as the malicious ghost was clearly intent on harming them. Wizards are gullible and Dumbledore is an expert at manipulating them. 'Sides, I needed an excuse to knock his ass out.

Well, I thought it was funny.

And, wow, suddenly his Founder drinking buddies appear...
He met the founders while he was dead. They've been watching the BWW and felt they needed to return for some serious ass kicking. They only needed a way to return. The concentration of ethereal energies from all the ghosts gave them one.

And poor McGonagall is the only one who faints...
They were standing apart form the crowd. Nobody else saw them. How would you react had met so revered a group of personalities, them having been dead for a thousand years?

I forgot the quotes. Oopsey.

but I'd put up a warning for "old, now cliché, unbetaed, plotholic story".

I like that! I think I will! Mind if I steal it? Snicker!


Thanks for the most entertaining review.

Alorkin

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