I've read ten chapters now. It's a well-written story, but it's too far from Harry Potter to be believable, sorry. Daphne is far too idealistic, Ron far too callous, the Weasleys just plain insane, Remus and Dumbledore made both idiotic and cruel.
Harry already has a tragic history in the stories - there's no need to make it worse. And having Harry court a pureblood Slytherin by showing her the best the Muggle world can offer seems a little too far-fetched to ring true. Besides, it takes away from the magic of Hogwarts to refer to U2 or pizza.
Overall, I loved the concept, and found it wonderfully handled. I didn't think Daphne was very interesting, but it was refreshing to see a different romantic interest. But the progressive demonization of half the cast just got in the way of enjoying the story.
I hope this is taken in the spirit it was written in - to help you improve, and not to insult you.
Author's response
- Actually, I find it interesting that you find any version of Harry, from canon to fanon to be believable.
- Yes, Daphne is idealistic. I wrote her that way quite Intentionally. Just because she fit the Hat's protocols for a place in Slytherin house doesn't mean she can't be an idealistic. I know quite a few driven ambitious idealists. I was tired of every Slytherin being a backstabber.
- Further, Harry didn't show her 'the best' of the Muggle world, he took her to a movie, an amusement park, a concert and a couple of clubs/restaurants. That's not the best by any estimation, it's just fun. When my wife and I were dating, I took much happiness from showing her things she had never seen... I just had Harry do that for Daphne.
- And, yes, Ron was callous, much like many many other young men, thinking with his little head instead of the big one. There isn't anything all that novel about that. I based the Hermione/Ron dynamic on a pair of friends of mine long ago when dinosaurs roamed the earth and we were young. She was deeply in love, he thought they were fuck buddies. When he moved on, it almost destroyed her, and I was the one singing bad love songs to her and feeding her icecream... He eventually grew up, and she has been married to a man who adores her for more than thirty years. [shrug] I'm just emulating real life.
- I will admit to writing the Weasleys, particularly Molly and Ginny badly. I hate Molly and her attempting to wrap the only ones in the story who are actually fighting Voldemort in cotton. Ginny just annoyed me with the way she appeared out of nowhere. I'm working on my Weasley characterizations in other stories.
- As far as Dumbledore and Remus, as far as I'm concerned, I haven't strayed far from canon. Dumbledore knowingly placed Harry in an abusive situation and kept sending him back to it, and structured Harry's whole life to the point where he had to DIE on the off chance that it wouldn't take. If that isn't stupid and cruel, I don't know what is.
- Canon Remus is a pathetic waste of flesh. He calls himself a friend of Harry's parents while never contacting harry until he was 12 years old, and after he did, never came back into the boy's life any serious way until Sirius died.
- Remus'canon actions lends itself to two possible explainations, either he is an uncaring fool, or he is in Dumbledore's pocket the whole time. I've seen lots of uncaring fool fics, so I went for the Dumbledore's lacky.
- I appreciate your offering your points, even if I disagree with them.