Review for I'll Write It All Across The Wall Before My Job Is Done

I'll Write It All Across The Wall Before My Job Is Done

(#) SteffiJane666 2011-01-07

Yo ;) You know me :p I baisically just joined this site to correct this person flaming your story. I am now going to correct the errors the the previous person has done. I'll comment after any '[ ]' that I think is incorrect, I will put my comments in '{ }' :3

My mind went blank as I sat in the car[,] staring blindly out of the window. My long black hair rolled over my shoulders and cascaded down my back. My sharp green eyes seemed to be glassy and empty. My pale skin glinted under the light of the searing sun. I was on my way to the boarding school that would change everything.

I saw the black gates looming just a head [comma removed] {I dont know why she/he removed the comma here, the comma fits fine} behind the sharp killer pointed fence lay a giant black foreboding mansion. Could this place get anymore cliché? Everything here was quiet[.] [E]veryone was in class[,]{this comma is neither right or wrong, it depends on how you read the sentence, personaly i think its ok without} learning the subject that I would soon be joining them in.

As the car came to a halt I walked out and angrily pulled at the ridiculously short skirt that was required as the school uniform. With a last sigh of defeat[,]{again, this comma is neither right nor wrong} I left the plaid skirt be.

Trudging[-trudging does not involve moving the head. change it to something else] [my] head [and]{rather than the word 'and' you chould use a comma here, it would make just as much sence} glaring at everything in my way, I really did not want to be here. I approached the large oak door (one [more] cliché) and opened it and headed in[,] ignoring the angry looks I was receiving from the other people in this meeting. I walked straight to the man at the front and looked him dead in the eye.

“Well I am here” I said in a monotonous voice[,] my face blank[,] though on the inside I was mentally strangling this man.

“Cassandra I am busy” he growled out[.]{can use a full stop OR a comma here, so you didnt make a mistake here} I just stared at him blankly.

“Well if you give me my schedule and dorm number I will be out of the way then[,]{again this comma isnt really needed, it can go with out, it all depends on how you would interpret the scentence} wouldn’t I,” I stated matter of factly. I hid my smirk['ed' removed] behind my long fringe as I saw him sigh in [utter removed]{not sure why she would remove utter, it fits fine with the sentence} annoyance and shoot another glare my way.

“Fine[.] [H]ere it is[.] [N]ow go away,”{here I personally would have used commas rather than full stops but either works} he hissed at me. I grinned evily.

“Why thankyou Mr Nerimak” I said and left with a small wave. Outside of the office I paused to have a look at my first class. Archery. Well this should be interesting.

I arrived at the backfield[,]{'and' fits better here, a comma makes it sound like its missing something, so 'and' it should be} ignored all of the other students[.] [I] walked to the front[,] stopp[ing] in front of the teacher [and]{here you can use a comma rather than 'and'} disrupting the entire class. The teacher looked at me with an exasperated look.

“I have heard of you[,]{could use a full stop here instead}” she sighed before continuing. “[p]{so this would then be correct as a capital rather than a lower case}ick up a bow and arrow and get in line[,]{again not overly needed, depends how you read the sentence} Miss Cornwell.”

I nodded[.] [I] went and picked up my bow and arrow and got into line behind {here I would have used 'I nodded and went to go pick up my bow and arrow. I got into line behind...ect. so you were ok with the 'and'} a young boy with brown hair[,] in a rugged close[-]to[-]his[-]face style. I[t] reach[ed] just to his chin he had gorgeous[,]{again comma not overly needed here, depends on how you read the sentence} entrancing brown eyes and delicate pale skin. He stood at about 5[.]8[,] two inches taller than me[.] I stand at 5[.]6. {the correct way to do short hand feet and inches is 5''8} I watched as he turned to me [and] grinned childishly, and I will even admit cutely.

“Hi[,]{comma not needed depending on how happy/hyper the character speaking is, a hyper person is less likely to use pauses than a more serious character} I am Brendon Urie” he said[,] grinning[.][He] gripp[ed] my hand from {this can be right but you could also just do 'he said grinning, gripping my hand from...ect.}[its]{it's needs an apostophy} lazy placement dangling at my side. Blinking in slight shock from the abrupt introduction[,]{again nt overly needed, depends how you read the sentence} I gripped his hand slightly in return.

“Cassandra Cornwell[,]{not sure why you would need a comma here, if anything it would be a full stop}” I replied[,] studying the boy before me. He seemed to find my response encouraging and grinned at me.

“You['re] new[,] right[?] [W]ould you like me to show you to your classes and around the campus[?]” he gushed[,] grinning.

“Alright[,]{again i would use a full stop here rather than a comma}” I replied[,] then watched as it was his turn at the bullseye[.] [I] watched as he became serious for a split second[,] long enough to take aim and fire his arrow[.] I watched as it spiralled through the air and dug itself into the red dot in the centre of the bullseye. I stood[,]{comma not needed here} slightly stunned[,] then watched as he reverted back into his hyperactive self and seemed to almost dance back to the end of the line.

I blinked in confusion before stepping forward and taking aim. I closed my eyes and[,]{you never use commas after the word and so she/he is wrong here again} in my mind[,] I pictured what I wanted it to hit[.] [T]hen opened my eyes, which were now a startling purple. Releasing the arrow[,] I watched it spiral[,] then saw through the bullseye leaving behind ['it' removed] a small hole[,] almost like a peephole. I turned around to see all of the other students staring at me with a mixture of fear and shock. I walked past them silently and then returned to the back of the line where th[at] Brendon kid stood. He grinned at me as I came by him before clapping me on the back.

“Well done[!] [T]hat was really impressive[!"]{the exclamation marks dont need to be there unless the character is yelling/exclaming ect. it simply said 'he said' at the end so this point is annother invalid point} he said[,] grinning. I just nodded [as]{'my' fits here fine} reply and looked over into the distance[,] focusing in on my surroundings. I looked and saw that further down the way in the grass area people were sparring with real[,] glinting silver swords. I studied the movements of the people to see what competition I faced. It wasn’t that much in all honesty. I sighed before returning my focus to the school itself. It was an old rustic mansion[,] with large entangled vines coating the sides. It looked like the typical house in a really bad horror movie that lacked all originality. [this last sentence is unnecessary] {this point she/he made is unnecessary, this last sentence is simply giving us more of a description about the building, nothing wrong with it at all}

My attention was brought back to the place in front of me when I noticed a pale hand waving in front of my face[.] I looked up to see Brendon grinning down at me.

“The bell rung while you were zoned out[,]” he said chuckling slightly to himself. “What class do you have next?”

“Torture[,]{comma not needed, I would say a full stop}" I stated simply. I noticed his grin widening and I couldn't help but inwardly sigh[.] [T]his could mean only one thing.

“That’s my next class[,]{comma not needed} too,” he stated excitedly[,] before clasping my hand in his and literally tugging me down the hall to the next class. Once we arrived at the next class I took my arm out of his grasp and rubbed the red spot[,]{comma not needed} tenderly. I looked around and noticed the pale-faced figures chained to the walls. I grinned maliciously at the bodies. Moving forward I took my seat next to my favourite body. Brendon followed soon after. I guess I had a new friend w[h]ether I liked it or not.

I looked to the front of the class and waited eagerly for the lesson to begin.

The teacher was taking [an removed] agess to {'the teacher was taking an age to...ect.' is a perfectly OK sentence to use} arrive and [I] tapped my fingers against the de[sk] in annoyance[.] I wanted to get to work and figure out which was the best way to make my body scream. [- should add something to verify that it isn't her that will be screaming. 'My body' implies she will be screaming. Not the victim on the wall.] {actually, she had already wrote about her character picking 'her favourite body' so it doesnt really imply that it is her body will be screaming}

At that moment the door opened and a dark man with long black hair walked in[.] [H]e grinned evilly at the class and simply said.

“Alright[,] class[.] [N]ow[,] pick your vampire.” {i would have wrote '"Alright class, now pick your vampire."' rather than having so may stops and pauses in it like she/he says}

Now all that is done 'I apologise if this seems rude to you.' I'm sorry, but you obviously are meaning to be rude with comments like 'got ruined by your hideous spelling and grammar.' There is a difference between giving advice and being hurtful. There really was no need to be so harsh towards her about this, she has tried hard, and she has a great imagination to come up with something like this. I quite like this story its different :)

As for the whole comma thing, commas DON'T have to be put in a specific place, commas are usually put where the author thinks a breath or slight pause should be inserted. Everyone speaks differently, so, people pause and take breathers in different places, there really is no need to be so harsh towards her about this.

Yes there are a few spelling mistakes but they happen, even in published books. So there really is no need to be so mean towards her about it.

What if she had dyslexia? {I'm not saying you do Alex it's just an example} Then you could be insulting her and it not being her fault. So next time maybe 'Neko' can be a little mor conciderate of other peoples emotions.

My reveiw:
I like it :D simple as that ^.^
Maybe think about getting someone to read through it before posting? That way, people like this cant give you nasty comments about your story. It's what I do 9/10 anyway :3

apologies if I made any spelling errors xD its 2:32am here and I have been drinking alcohol so :3 yah C8


Author's response

your awesome thanks so much and would you consider reading the chapters over for me?