(#) Kid_Vicous 2011-04-23 01:49:43 AM
Firstly, I noticed that a lot of the sentences are very short and are followed with more short sentences. When describing certain exciting, suspenseful moments these sentences can be used very effectively, however it does become awkward to read: I got out of bed. It was raining. I put on clothes. I went downstairs. I ate toast. See what I'm getting at? Use conjunctives: and, or, therefore, etc, to connect your sentences together and lengthen them.
Overall the dialogue was pretty good but I think these days most people say "We're" instead of "We are". Your choice but I think it would read better if Mikey said "We're going to be late". Sounds more natural. I only noticed one spelling mistake: "straitening" should be "straightening".
The plot lookes like it'll turn about to be your usual Frerard high school fic which there is nothing wrong with. Many people like that kind of thing and you'll get loads of reviews. Try to stay away from clichés though and veer towards a more original storyline. Praise: I did like your descriptions. I think you describe people really well with just the right amount of detail. Keep that up.
All in all, pretty alright. You'll probably completely ignore this review, most people do, but I think this has a lot of potential to be very fluffy and nice. Just fix a few things up and it'll be better than alright.
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