I didn't start reading this from the beginning, so I can't evaluate the story as a whole or your original characters. I do agree with your interpretation of Dumbledore though. A couple of minor things I will say: in a formal setting-- or at the very least an academic setting-- such as Dumbledore calling McGonagall out of a classroom (a few chapters back), I believe they would call each other by their titles instead of first names. Also, the level of explaining of all their feelings and motives involved in each action and speech in the Slytherin group's dealings with each other (also a few chapters back I think), while something I wish the people around me would use, doesn't seem realistic to me. (Sorry for the run-on sentence, I hope you can make sense of it.) Finally, on a grammatical note, whenever a single piece of dialogue goes into more than one paragraph, each new paragraph should start with quotation marks, even though they end without them. For example,
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Dumbledore said, "Blah blah blah blahblah blahblah. Blah blah blahblah.
"Blahblahblah blah blah, blah blah blah blahblah blah blah. Of course, blah blah blahblah, blahblah blah blah blah.
"Next, blah blahblah blahblah, blah blahblahblahblah blah blah blah. Frogs are much more beneficial this way." As he finished his explanation, he...
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Author's response
Thanks!
- Professional titles: That sounds right to me too now that I think about it, but I will hold off on changing it until I have other edits to make, since I've learned even fixing a typo sends out update alerts to people. :P
- over-describing things with the Slytherins: A lot of that is just deliberately ridiculous. I think if I were to overhaul it, which is what it would take to make that less jarring, I'd focus more on making it even more obviously something okay to laugh at, rather that making it more realistic.
- Punctuation: The way I am doing that is a deliberate choice that I made after scrutinizing the Chicago Manual of Style and deciding the standard version made things more, not less, confusing when formatted the way fanfiction sites permit. In fiction printed on paper, there is no space between paragraphs, and the standard style works well. Here, things are spread out enough that my compromise is easier for me to read. I don't like it my way, either, but I like the alternative less! That said, that's an awesome example paragraph, and I am now strongly tempted to sneak the line about frogs in somewhere as an inside joke. :P
Also, thanks for telling me you didn't start from the beginning. I'm actually glad to see someone listened to my suggestions for skipping around (assuming that's why you did it). You are so far the first person on any site to admit to having done that!
I really appreciate reviews.