Alright, so I actually printed this chapter out so I could read it on the train. (Almost missed the train because my printer is even slower than Joe when interrupting Greta - who is just covering up the fact that she´s a lesbian really - and Patrick making sweet sweet lurve.)
This is one of those rare fanfics you can actually have literary type thoughts about, so I found myself noting down several things on the paper when reading. (What can I say, I´m still at school...)
Here´s the crap I came up with:
A) "sitting in the car that night...staring at the stars with me, brushing my hair from my face like a modern day romeo./but this isn't a sonnet, and I'm not the romantic i once was... /star gazing has never seemed so overrated." - Yes, ´tis. You might even break an arm if you do that shit.
B) The reluctance to help Belle on Elise´s part intrigued me when reading. They must really have had some bad moments in the past. This stands in direct contrast to the professional way Elise behaves when facing the paprazzi, which is evidence of her being a real pro and being capable of not showing what she really feels if she has to (as Belle alluded to.) Elise´s emotional reaction to Belle´s call also makes me think that Belle is kind of important to her because if you simply don´t care about a person you wouldn´t let them get the best of you. That´s simply what I think.
C) I love that you used "turgid" in the narrator´s comment part and "puffy" in direct speech. Very authentic. I´m a sucker for stuff like that. And stuff like Patrick Stump. And bringing up the Stumpmeister out of the blue.
D) Next to the part about Elise making sure Belle looks presentable I wrote down "Wow! motherly..." Now I kinda shake my head at this comment but yeah... I guess you see that she does care about Belle after all. And she behaves like a professional.
E) I like that you mentioned this "My Size" Barbie indicent. Contrasts very nicely with the present situation but also makes it evident that they did get along well at some point. (At least that´s my guesstimate.)
F) Is Patrick distracted from the sex because this whole Belle thing is getting to him? At least that´s my interpretation.
G) Let me congratulate you on having Joe walking in on P&G. I mean WHO ELSE would be qualified enough... DoJ nod
H) "Since the accident she pretty much answered all calls as a courtesy." - Is it just me or does Belle become a bit less selfish? Or does she simply try to clam her guilty conscience?
I) I love how Christian kinda background-babbles into Belle and Pete´s phone conversation. Coincidence? Fate? The latter, I´m thinking.
J) "Do you know what's even more overrated than star-gazing?/Drinking away your problems." - I would like to know if that´s the narrator or Belle? I guess it´s Belle but I´m not sure.
K) I´ll pick up on this listing and we´ll see how long it takes until I´ve used up all the letters of the alphabet.
P.S.: If you keep on writing great fiction with intense and genuine emotions it won´t be long until you´ll actually have elephants following the lead of cows and ask you to have their babies. :)
Author's response
exal, i'm sorry about your printer. damn machinery anyway.
you and katy know they way to my heart. although i must say the letters threw me for a loop. but these lists make me swoon… hey, i think i found another catch phrase.
A.) or maybe get whipped for it (my shitty attempt at referencing your story as well)B.)the history that Belle and Elise share is...well, i'll explain it in a different chapter. but yes, Elise cares a lot for Belle. more than she wants to.
C.) tru dat
D.) "motherly" was exactly what i was going for. i'll explain more later. anyway, Elise has a soft spot in her heart for Belle... but doesn't everyone?
E.) your guesstimate is correct. Elise and Belle were once homies.
F.) this is the only one you've guessed wrong. he is hardly concerned with what Belle is doing at this point. she has neglected him too much and he's starting to let go.
G.) Belle has bad timing too. although the door was locked. had it not been, i'm sure there would have been a cat fight. hooray for those.
H.) Belle is letting go (slowly but surely) of her old character flaws and she will be adopting new ones soon. but she's beginning to realize her selfishness is inhibiting her.
I.) fate it is. who need wentz? (another shirt phrase, perhaps?)
J.) it was almost midnight when i posted this chapter. it was suppose to be in italics, confirming that Belle said that. sorry about the confusion.
K.) So we're moving from (43?) numbers to the alphabet? i'm so there.
wait...i thought this whole babies thing was that i just receive babies...not actually birth them. how in the hell is that a reward? what the fuck... :]