This chapter reads like a NaruHina fic that hasn't had enough sex happening in every other chapter to fill a bodice ripper novel.
The disparity is rather disconcerting since it makes it read even more cliche than it actually is, especially since this Naruto, who has had lots of sex, is "speechless," "blushing," and "tripping over his tongue" at Hinata being dressed in a Kimono when he didn't get like that when he seduced various beautiful women. It is, quite frankly, weird to read.
"She was beautiful, but Naruto wanted to make a point of having all-eyes for Hinata"
Keeping his eyes deliberately off of something just makes it obvious he's doing that and that he'd likely find that thing attractive. And any Hyuuga would likely notice that. It probably would have a better effect if he, instead, made a point of allowing his eyes to slide off of her (like one does when looking at something they don't care much for, or something they don't really notice), or to only look at her eyes as he did later.
All of this makes me think that this would have been a purely NaruHina fic if it hadn't been a "sex game" or if it hadn't started in Wave.
I actually kind of expected the chapter to end with him in shock and blushing brightly because of the chaste kiss, which would have completed the whole "super cliche NaruHina chapter" thing.
...you know, considering this fic and it's own acknowledgement of it's completely ridiculous premise, I can't help but think you did this chapter this way on purpose.
Author's response
This is a good review, I liked it. It was criticism from a reader that doesn't understand the point of view the author was thinking from.
That being said, there are many things that led me to write the chapter the way I did.
First and foremost, Naruto/Hinata is my favorite pairing, I don't really make a secret of that, I respect others opinions on their favorite pairings so long as they respect mine. This was just to get it out of my system because I'm thinking another 10-15 chapters before I can start on the Shippuden Arcs where it will be several more chapters before Naruto is intimate with any of his fellow rookies.
Second, I will freely admit I probably romantacized it a bit, but I was just writing what flowed at the time and that is the final product.
Third, I wrote it with the same kind of care that I will have when I write Naruto out on other official dates, such as with Mikoto or Shizune or whoever else.
Lastly, and this is important. Sex is different than a date. A date can be far more intimate than most of the more carnal like fuckings that Naruto has been doing. Naruto at this point had never been on a date, ever, and he wanted it to go right. Will this happen again? Maybe for one other date but not with Hinata.