Review for Peace of Mind

Peace of Mind

(#) Ithilwen 2006-04-25 03:48:12 PM

This doesn't quite do it for me as a story and I think I've figured out why: You don't really explain why Harry would be so convinced that there was no peace of mind to be found in this world. Sure, I can think of plenty of reasons, but I need to know which ones you're using. The Harry from the books had a sucky life, sure, but he loved his friends and his hope and had been repeatedly shamed about "throwing/risking his life" when his parents had made such a sacrifice.

The last line, however, is quite Hermione.

Minor grammar etc. nits: A stray period here, a comma missing there. There are lots of places where you should use the past perfect instead of the regular past tense. It's nothing that gets in the way of the story.

(myself "How could I have done that?".)

There should be a comma after "myself" and no period.

(Some looked up at him with surprise, they had already assumed he was dead.)

Run-on sentence. Switch that comma for a semicolon or make a new sentence and you're good.

(flinching at my slap, as I once knew him to do,)

as I had once known him to do

Author's response

Heh, wow, help! Thank you. I know it has those problems, I'd think it would be hard for it not to! I spent a total of fifteen minutes on it and own a good word processor I do not. Added on to the fact I originally had written this a year and a half ago... You're right I need to do some editing. I've just been a tad lazy ^^ - Thanks again.

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