(#) Ryter 2007-03-06
An interesting AU, I'd say. Not quite sure what's going on yet, but that's typical of a first chapter.
My only real complaint is the part where you're talking about Volly being a fatherly figure; it's too much in the present sense, and that tends to be somewhat disruptive.
Would you mind reviewing my story, Kingdom Crossovers? I could use some feedback.
Author's response
Well, I put that part in there to describe him seeing as he's kinda an important part of the plot structure! Do you think I should have put that in a different part where he a bit more prominent? And of coure I'll read and review your story!