It's pretty good overall. You may want to copy this whole thing and put it in Microsoft Word or something, because it looks like you were really anxious as far as typing: the spelling is quite appalling. (Don't worry-- I do that too, I just throw it in Microsoft Word and correct everything). There a a couple grammar things (MW will work again for this), but apart from that it's really good. The premise that you start with is really interesting, and I can't wait for more. ^_^ Good luck!
Author's response
Thank you so much for the review! It means a lot to me;o) I'll try throw it into Microsoft Word thanks for the tip:o) I promise I'll update soon!
Stay cool^-^