Review for Bounciness, Beware

Bounciness, Beware

(#) JadeDixon 2005-07-05 11:14:44 AM

Cute story. It's interesting how you took a serious theme, and managed to explore some of the issues surrounding it, but still keep it light-hearted.

I'm a bit split on my opinion of how you treated the Crono/Marle relationship. On one hand, I like how you made her clingy after his death, and Crono so quiet that people just assume they're a couple. It hits home that we should never make assumptions, and that relationships must be based on communication. On the other hand, I don't think Marle looks down on Crono (her pig comment is after he steals someone else lunch and gobbles it down), and I think Crono would understand that she couldn't have done anything to help him during his execution (she would have been too closely watched after her outburst in the courtroom. And if he was found innocent, she wouldn't have even known about the execution as it was a lie).

I noticed one typo: "Does our immanent departure trouble thee?" Immanent should be imminent.

I also found one phrase that felt awkward: "...perhaps we should be grateful that they have met, as it is." (Frog on their destinies) The phrase "they have met" feels like a cross between "we have met" (if talking about each other) or "they have crossed" (if talking about their destinies). I'd go with one or the other. What is currently there is a bit ambiguous.

Overall, I enjoyed reading your story. Except for those two spots, it was easy to read, and flowed smoothly. And it's good to have a giggle every now and again with something that isn't completely devoid of a plot. Thanks!

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