Yeah I thought maybe thats what you were going for but its just too many words to blurt out all at once. I needed to take a breath just reading it all! You could always add something like Mikey said all that without looking at me at the end or something. You should always read your dialog back, just the words not the he said she said parts to make sure it flows right and has enough breaks in it to read well. Imagine the chara. saying it and where theyd pause add it. This was really sweet though. I liked how shes totally oblivious to things like that. -worried about looking masculine kicking a rock and all. That was good, it gave some depth to her!
Author's response
thanks for the helpful tip, i'll do it every chapter now!!