I enjoyed this short story. I found it quite original and interesting, however, you have several errors in grammar. Some words that should not be capitalized are, and some words are not spaced apart. Also, your sentences are very choppy and short. Using a comma or semicolon occasionally benefit you greatly. All in all, you are not a bad writer, there are just a few things you need to work on. You've got a good head for ambiance and detail, and now there are just the kinks to work out. :)
Author's response
thank you that was very helpful. I'll probably have to ask my boyfriends aunt what some of that means. And what and where I should put the commas and stuff. because unfortunatly I don't remember learning much of that in some of the schools I went to. And now they kind of just expect us to know what we're doing. But Thank you Very much :D