FicWad

/Notes: I've stolen a few bits of dialogue from //Life Serial/. Normally I avoid using any of the show's dialogue in fanfic, but this is a parallel universe. Some events are just destined to happen. Extra thanks to Bitterbyrden for her help on this part.



Xander arrived at the Magic Box after work a few days later to find his teammates engaged in a full-blown argument. Anya was nowhere in sight.

"You're insane. You're short, and you're insane," Warren yelled at Jonathan across the table.

"Whoa!" Xander called out, holding his hands out in front of him. "What's going on here?"

"Nothing. We're fine," said Warren. "We found a destruction spell for that thingy --"

"We?" asked Jonathan.

Warren ignored him. "-- and Short Round here was going to translate it, but instead he started babbling the most obscene nonsense you've ever heard!"

Oh, crap. This didn't sound good. A curse? Possession? If their magic guy was magically sick, who would cure it? "Jonathan?" he asked. "You okay?"

Jonathan turned to him. "Who's the best Bond?"

That was the big argument? "Connery," he said without hesitation. "Who else could it be?"

"Ha!" said Warren.

"No way! Roger Moore was smooth. Who remembers Connery?" scoffed Jonathan.

Xander couldn't believe the blasphemy coming from his friend. Maybe he was possessed. "'Who remembers Connery?'" he repeated in disbelief. "How about everyone? He defined the role. He is the Bond by which all other Bonds must be judged and found wanting." He gaped at Jonathan. "Moore?"

"I like Timothy Dalton," offered Andrew. Warren smacked him upside the head.

"Moore was funny," argued Jonathan stubbornly.

"Moonraker/?" asked Xander. He and Warren looked at each other and shook their heads. "A remake of /The Spy Who Loved Me trying to pander to the Star Wars boom," said Xander.

"Bond in space? How can that be bad?" asked Jonathan.

"There's Star Wars and there's Bond movies, but the two should never, ever mix," declared Xander.

"Yeah, it'd be like Klingons on the Millenium Falcon/," added Warren. "Dude, the gondola? And the pigeons? /Moonraker is inexcuseable!" He swept his arm in a dramatic gesture as if to wipe away all memories of that movie and knocked several books off the table.

"Oh, that's nice," said Anya, as she emerged from the back room. "Frighten away the customers and destroy the merchandise."

Andrew scrambled to pick up the books. "They're not damaged. Don't hurt us!"

She let out a long sigh. "Xander, you have a delivery in the back." Xander nodded. "I like Pierce Brosnan," she added. "Sometimes I pretend Xander's Pierce Brosnan when we're having sex."

The boys stared at her, not sure how to respond to that.

Xander was sure he was blushing. Maybe he should build a trap door into the Magic Box so he could disappear at times like this. "Let's get that delivery," he said hastily.

"That's one of those things I'm not supposed to share, right?" Anya asked as they left the room.

"Yeah," said Xander after they were out of earshot. "Please don't tell the guys about our sex life."

"Right," she said. "Well, I'm busy keeping the engagement secret. Other things just slip out."

"Is that why you told Spike about the wedding?" Xander asked. He thought Anya wouldn't play games like other women. Her honesty could be embarassing, but at least he knew she wasn't lying to him. Usually. Unless she was learning how to lie. Did they teach that to women? Was that what those articles in Cosmo were about? He should ask Will- no. He felt a twinge in his stomach when he remembered that Willow wasn't speaking to him.

"You said you weren't ready to tell any of your friends. Spike's not your friend." She looked at Xander's expression and sighed. "No, I told you. I had all the wedding stuff out when he came over the other night. He just thinks I'm making plans early. He doesn't think you'll ever propose."

"We will tell them, Anya. When it's the right time."

"I know," she sighed. "Here's your stuff," she said, gesturing toward a stack of boxes sitting outside the back door. "They're heavy, so you'll have to carry them in."

Xander counted the boxes. Looked like all the supplies had finally arrived. "Okay. Will you send the guys out to help?" She started to leave, but he put his hand on her arm. "Ahn, I love you," he said, kissing her lightly. She rolled her eyes, but kissed him back, lingering for a moment.

"Does this mean you're patrolling tonight?" she asked. He nodded. "Be careful. I want you to come back with all your parts."

"We'll be careful," he promised.



"Gold Leader, this is Red Leader. Do you read me? Over." came Warren's voice from the radio headset.

"10-4, this is Gold Leader. Over," responded Xander. He tugged at the hem of his shirt. The military-style fatigues they'd ordered provided great camoflague but they still had that new-clothes stiffness. But, along with the stake bandolier on his chest and the crossbow slung across his back, he felt tough. Macho, even. Not that he'd say that. Something about saying the word "macho" immediately negatated the macho-ness of whatever macho thing you were doing.

"What's your twenty? Over," asked Warren.

"Restfield. I mean #5. Over," said Xander. He saw Jonathan fiddling with the headset on his walkie-talkie, and put his hand over his own mic to whisper, "Are you getting this?" Jonathan nodded.

"We've got a nest here in #2. Over," said Warren.

"How many?" asked Xander. Nest? Were they ready to take on a nest? "Um, Over."

"Four that we see. Over."

Four. Four on four. One each. Sure, they could handle that. "Ok, we're on our way. Wait for us. Over," said Xander.

"Which one is #2?" asked Jonathan.

"Not sure," said Xander. "Check the list."

Jonathan pulled out their list of radio codes from his pocket. They'd assigned numbers to all the cemeteries in Sunnydale to make it easier to keep track.

"#2 is...," said Jonathan as he scanned the list. "Shady Hill."



Warren and Andrew waited for them at Shady Hill Cemetery. They really looked like a team, Xander thought proudly, especially in the fatigues with the stake bandoliers. Ok, the Super Soaker water gun Andrew carried kind of ruined the tough-guy image, but it was practical. He couldn't think of why they hadn't used holy-water guns in the past. Probably because there was too much risk of hitting Angel or whatever other vamp Buffy had befriended, he thought angrily. Then he felt guilty for thinking badly of Buffy. Which lead to the thought that she was probably thinking badly of him, if she thought of him at all, which just lead to more anger and more guilt and wasn't he here to kill vampires, not chase his personal demons around in his head?

"They're in there," said Warren. He gestured to a crypt nearby.

"Got a plan?" asked Xander. He slid his crossbow off his back and loaded it.

"You and I go in first with the crossbows. We can surprise them with a couple of shots. Then the three of us attack with stakes while Andrew covers us with the water gun," said Warren, loading his own crossbow.

"That sounds good," said Xander. Jonathan pulled out two stakes, one for each hand. Andrew lifted the Super Soaker. "Ready?" asked Xander. They all nodded.

Xander opened the crypt door slowly. It creaked a little, but the vampires feasting inside didn't seem to hear. Warren and Xander both fired at the nearest vampire. One of the shots hit its arm, barely nicking it. The other found the heart, and the creature crumbled into dust. Warren and Xander both slung their crossbows over their shoulders and pulled stakes from their bandoliers. One down, three to go.

The other three vampires rushed at them. Panicked, Andrew fired the Super Soaker and hit Warren in the ear with a strong blast of holy water.

"Hey!" yelled Warren, and turned to Andrew.

"Sorry!" gasped Andrew.

"Heads up!" said Xander.

Warren turned back around just in time for a vampire to grab him by the neck. Fortunately the vamp got holy water all over his hands and jumped back, hands smoking. "Ha!" Warren yelled. He jabbed at the vampire with his stake, but the creature dodged easily and kicked the stake out of Warren's hand. "Ow!" Warren cried, shaking his hand. The vamp smirked. Warren frowned and grabbed another stake from his bandolier.

Xander ducked as another vampire's fist flew at him. He grabbed his attacker's arm, pulled the vamp towards him, and punched it in the face. It reeled back, and Andrew hit it with a squirt of holy water. It screamed as its face burned. Xander thrust a stake into its chest and it exploded into dust.

Jonathan rushed at the third vamp, but it hit him in the stomach, and he flew back, retching.

Warren kicked the one he was facing, and tried to stake it, but the vamp grabbed his arm, and twisted it to the side. "Ow!" yelled Warren, and kicked the vampire in the shins, hard. The vampire stumbled and let go of Warren's arm.

The third vamp moved in on Jonathan, but Xander grabbed its shirt and pulled it back. It elbowed Xander in the face and pulled away. Xander slammed a stake into its back, but it didn't turn to dust.

"Dammit!" cried Xander. He'd missed the heart. He wished the vampires would stand still, like the practice dummies. It'd make this whole gig go a lot easier. But then everyone would be staking vampires. It wouldn't be special anymore, just an everyday occurrance. What did you do last night, Bob? Oh, the girl and I had dinner and staked a few vampires. You?

The vamp turned around and grabbed Xander by the neck with one hand, lifting him off his feet. Oh, not good. Andrew pointed the Super Soaker at it, but the vamp grabbed the gun with its other hand, yanked it away from Andrew, and hit him across the face with it. Andrew fell, clutching a bloody nose. The vampire dropped the gun and turned back to Xander.

Xander looked around for help. He saw the other remaining vampire move in on Warren, who backed up and almost tripped over the water gun. Warren glanced down, grabbed the gun, and hit the vampire over the head with it. The water compartment broke and spilled the rest of the holy water over the vamp. The vampire screamed as the water poured over his head, burning like acid. Warren staked the vampire, and it crumbled into dust. "Take that!" he yelled, accidentally inhaling a lungful of dust. His elated look faded as he coughed up the remains of his enemy.

Xander kicked at the vampire holding him, but couldn't get free. Hard to breathe with a vampire holding you by the neck, he thought. Or to yell for help. Not his most original thoughts, but it was hard to think much of anything without oxygen. The vamp pulled him closer, fangs bared. Suddenly it froze, then crumbled to dust. Xander fell to the ground, gasping for air. Jonathan was standing in front of him, holding a stake and looking triumphant. Then Jonathan's expression changed, and he ran outside. The sounds of puking drifted in through the door.

"I think that's enough patrolling for tonight," said Xander, standing up. He looked around at Warren coughing, Andrew bleeding all over his new fatigues and Jonathan stumbling back inside. This probably wouldn't make the Guinness Book of Great Vampire Battles, but they'd won. For now, that would do.



"You survived!" said Anya, when Xander arrived home. "That's great!"

"Thanks, honey," Xander said wryly.

"Mmm, you're all sweaty and dusty," she said, moving in to caress his chest.

"Vampire dust turns you on?" said Xander. "I should have- mmph!" Anya kissed him. After a few minutes, Xander pulled away to catch his breath. Anya took this opportunity to unbutton her blouse.

"I kept thinking of ways you could have died," she explained. "And I've got a costume I was saving for a special occasion, but if you died, I'd never get to wear it, so I'm going to wear it for you tonight."

Xander grinned. "I'll have to not die every night."

"Good," she said. "I like that plan. Now take off your pants and wait for me on the couch."