Why he did it.
Selecting it I quickly type a message and hit send. My latest text to the ex-girlfriend from hell.
I sigh as the words sink in. It’s done. I have officially ruined my life. I’ve hurt everyone I’ve ever loved and given up the only thing that truly made me happy.
I cringe as I remember the anger on Gerard’s face, the pain on Mikey’s. After the awful things I said I doubt any of them will ever talk to me again. But that might be easier.
I just wish I could tell them. Tell them that I’m sorry. That I never meant any of it. That I love them more than anything in the world, but I had to make them hate me because it is the only way they’d ever let me go. And they have to let me go. If I don’t leave the band by the end of the month she’ll kill them, that’s what she said.
If I told them the truth they’d want to help me. And I can’t let them do that. I have to face this alone. It’s my fault and I’m going to fix it. They don’t need to get involved. They can’t get involved. If anything happened to them because of me I’d never be able to live with myself.
My cell ringing brings me back to reality. I glance at the caller ID. It’s her. I don’t want to answer but I want to piss her off even less so groggily I grab the phone and open it. Before I even get a chance to speak her voice is in my head again.
“You did it?”
“Don’t worry, they’ll never want to see my face again.”
“Good.” I can almost hear her grinning through the line. Twisted bitch is getting pleasure out of ruining my life.
I sigh. “Why are you doing this?”
“Because you did it to me Frankie. You did this to yourself.”
Jess is a guitar tech for My Chem. We met at her first show three years ago. She was cute and we hit it off right away. When things didn’t work out and we broke up, well, cute no longer described her.
“You were everything to me Frankie, and you took everything I had when you left me. Now I’m returning the favor. I’m taking everything you love. I’m leaving you with nothing, just like you left me.”
Seriously, bitter much? “Well congratulations. You did it. I’ve officially lost everything I loved.”
“Oh, Frankie,” she laughs. “Don’t be so melodramatic. I’m not done with you yet.”
I freeze at the words. What more could she possibly want? I ruined her life, she ruined mine. End of story, right? Apparently not. “What do you mean?” I ask icily.
“Oh, now, Frankie,” she coos. Yes, honestly, coos. “Don’t be getting impolite.” Her voice had a dangerous edge. “Believe me, for your friends’ sakes, don’t be impolite. There’s more I want from you. I’ll call you when I’m ready. Don’t bother to unpack.”
With that she hangs up, leaving me angry and helpless and locked in an arena dressing room. Don’t bother to unpack. That reminds me I have to get my stuff. That means I’ll have to face the guys on the bus. Shit.
Groaning I get up. I’ll have to face the music sometime but if I wait long enough maybe they’ll fall asleep. The next show was supposed to be only about an hour from here, so they won’t have to travel overnight.
Then a thought hits me. Until a replacement guitarist is found, there won’t be a next show. So they can leave whenever they want. I seriously don’t want to have to follow them to try to get my stuff back, so slowly I unlock the dressing room and head out towards the parking lot.
Thankfully the bus is still there. I dread the thought of seeing the guys again. I don’t think I can deal with the disappointment in their eyes. But luckily I won’t have to. My stuff is sitting outside the doors, messily thrown around, half in and half out of some large garbage bags.
I smile to myself. The garbage bags would have been Mikey’s idea. If Gerard had his way my stuff would be all over the parking lot. As it is it looks like he almost did have his way, but still the bags are there. A testament to Mikey’s efforts.
Suddenly complete sorrow hits me. My best friends, my brothers, hate me. I’ll never see Ray’s stupid grin again. Never walk in on Gerard dancing in the dressing room or hear Mikey’s ridiculous comments. I’ll never get beaten by Bob for trying to share his bunk. Never again.
And still she wants more. What more could she possibly want?
Sighing I pick up my stuff, or at least I try to. I’m standing right by the bus door, but the lights are on inside and they can’t see me standing out here alone in the dark. They are talking. I know it’s rude to eavesdrop, but I can’t help myself. I need time to gather my shit and they’re talking so loud…what’s a guy to do? It’s not really eavesdropping, is it? I mean I wouldn’t listen if I could, I just don’t really have a choice.
“I just don’t get it. It doesn’t make any sense, you know? It’s so not like Frank. There’s got to be something up.” That was Mikey, always trying to see the good in people. Every when there wasn’t any good there to see.
“I don’t know Mikes, I mean what does it matter whether it’s like him or not? He still did it. And Frank’s never been one to blow up like that. If there’s a problem he’s always able to talk it out. It’s like this time he doesn’t want to fix it,” Ray answers.
“But if there’s something wrong we ought to help him,” Mikey insists.
“Don’t you get it, Mikey?” Gerard yells. “Frank doesn’t want our help. Frank’s too good for our help.”
Bob’s voice is quiet but strong as he replies. “You know you don’t mean that. You don’t believe it and Frank doesn’t believe it. I don’t know why he said all that shit but I’m sure he had a reason.”
“Well it doesn’t really matter at this point,” Brian’s voice is tired. “Whatever’s up with Frank, he’s made it quite obvious that he doesn’t us involved. Now we have an unfinished tour and we’re one guitarist short of a band. We’ll need to start auditions tomorrow so we can get you guys back on the road as soon as possible.”
“Does it have to be so soon?” Mikey asks. “I mean, Frank might come back.”
“I don’t think so, Mikes.” Brian answers.
“Even if he did, I don’t ever want to play with that son of a bitch again,” Gerard snaps.
My chest feels tight. Just like that they’re replacing me. This is exactly what I wanted. I needed them to forget about me and move on, but still it hurts. Did I really mean that little to them? Then again, I made them think they meant nothing to me. We all become perfect liars when the occasion demands it.
I straighten up. All my belongings are more or less packed in two large garbage bags. I pick them up and stumble away to call a taxi and try to find a motel for the night.
And the saga continues. Ok this all makes sense in my head, but I'm not sure if I'm getting down on paper well enough. If you're at all confused please let me know and I'll try to clear it up. Love you to pieces (don't make me make that literal).