Letters are sometimes the only way one can get a feeling across. Yaoi: Kain/Golbez
That you are reading this means accursed Zemus has fallen, and I have chosen to join FuSoYa in slumber. You may be puzzled as to why I would write such a missive...in truth, I feel I owe you some explanation for my actions. I believe now that I owe you much more than that; however, this will have to suffice, for there is not much time.
Do you want to know why I left, why I passed into slumber with what remained of my father's people, to join their unfathomable journey through the stars?
I am a coward.
Shocking, isn't it? The last thing anyone would suspect, really--least of all you. It is, nevertheless, the honest truth. You do not understand that I truly meant to die in that battle. My plan was to perform the one act of heroic self-sacrifice that would in some small measure be the coin that paid my debt.
Your friends ruined that plan, too.
Instead, I sleep. I do not anticipate a pleasant rest. That, however, is quite beside the point. No matter the dread of the nightmares I face, it is incomparable to the sheer guilt I would face if I returned to what they call the Blue Planet. I cannot bear facing my dear brother, after all I have wrought. The countless innocents who suffered due to my unforgivable evil...I cannot face.
Perhaps most of all, I cannot bear to face your unclouded eyes.
I have regrets where you and I are concerned, Sir Knight, far too many to list in a simple letter. Above all, I'm sorry that we could not have met under better circumstances. For all your faults, you were--and remain--a good man, Kain Highwind. And a far better man than you ever gave yourself credit for. Breaking you is something I may not ever forgive myself for, even if in the great passage of time you might. I'm sorry that my mind and my heart were so poisoned when I met you. I'm so sorry for taking what was pure within you, that light you did not even realize you had, and corrupting it, tainting you with my darkness. What we shared was twisted, perverse, and evil. It could never have been anything less, considering the man that I was; I had an excellent teacher. I know now, as I examine my feelings in the light of reason, that I wish it had been something entirely different.
I love you, Kain. With all my heart. I realize that now. And I am sorry beyond measure that my taint prevented me from seeing that, from expressing that to you. I bitterly repent the sins I committed against you. I don't expect your forgiveness. I have no reason to, I simply have no right or claim to it after all I have put you and your loved ones through. If I could ask but one thing, however, it is for you to be content. Take care of yourself, and take care of him. Be strong for each other, for he loves you more than you will ever know. Knowing that you live on, that you have both risen above all this...this is enough. My prayers for you are the only recompense I can offer, now. I dare not offer you my love; that will remain locked in my heart.
In my dreams, will you ever stay.
Kain clenched his jaw, and despite his better judgment, folded the slip of paper and tucked it into his breastplate rather than following his first instinct to crumple and discard it like so much refuse.
"Aren't you coming, Kain?" Cecil called back up from the shimmering crystalline stair.
"...yes, of course," Kain replied, his heart in his throat. He blinked hard, and started down the steep stairs. Cecil tilted his head, and gave him a quizzical look.
"Are you alright?"
"Yes," Kain lied, and not for the last time.