Nooj, Baralai, and Gippal find all is not as it seems
- Your idea is very interesting and your writing is very clear and evocative; however, this story just moves too quickly. It jerks along in fits and starts.
For instance, when Vegnagun disappears I think a bit more description is required. Perhaps there are deafening sounds to accompany the cannon's explosion, but for the machine to have disappeared unnoticed more description of what it is that diverts the three men is necessary I think.
The rest of the story just happens too quickly. I enjoyed the way you changed the final speech of the companions from a victory proclamation to a final defence before accusing Spirans. You just got to this point far too quickly without enough transitions.
Why are the three friends on trial? What changed between the game version and your, probably more realistic take on things? I can see why you might want to keep the stry short because it could quickly grow to epic proportions, but I think a great deal more length and elaboration is necessary to make this story truly believable and effective.
Author's responseI greatly appreciate your taking the time to review this. It was written quickly and without elaboration because it was the response to a challenge at a fan site I was frequenting at the time. I have written so extensively both canonically and AU about Nooj, I sometimes forget not all my readers are aware of the other explorations. This particular story was designed to explain a screen shot with a twist, so I was negligent in supplying all the details leading up to the climatic moment - as you justifiably noted. I may - one of these - days, rewrite this story and do it right. Your criticism was very constructive and helpful. I hope you will not give up on me. Thank you.