Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Over a Lifetime
I'm 45 for a Moment...
0 reviewsI'm 45 for a moment The sea is high And i'm headin into a crisis chasing the years of my life
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I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
We collapsed onto the bed as her feverish skin rubbed against mine sending chills through my spine and almost all of my blood downward. The hotness of her aura was an overpowering sensation and in that moment all I wanted to do was get lost in it. She was always easy to get lost in, but the problem is coming back out.
She gasped lightly as I began to trail hard passionate kissed down her supple neck. A moaned escaped her lips and I thought that I would die. She was perfect. She was young reckless. And she expected absolutely nothing out of me.
“I don’t love you.” I said in a firm almost stopping voice. Of course I didn’t love her. I was almost old enough to be her father. She flashed me a mischievous grin.
“Baby, do I look like the type of girl who falls in love?” I felt stupid as I looked down at her frame underneath mine. “Now I would appreciate if we could continue so that you can fuck my brains out.” She laughed as I immediately beckoned to her command. I would have done almost anything for her at the moment.
Death is… questions. No one really knows what happens after you die, even if people claim they do. Death is the biggest mystery of time only second to Life. Our human minds cannot possibly grasp the concept, and we eventually get scared. We get scared and we ultimately end up running.
Most of my life I wasn’t afraid of death. I had seen death, and death had surrounded me like almost a companion most of my life. But the day that I started to settle down in a life that involved more life than death I became subtly aware that death no longer surrounded me. I started to fear death. Not fully of course, but the fear still lingered in side of me like a child.
The day he died was the day the fear had come out fully. He had never had enough time. Time was a tricky thing. Remus never had time to say goodbye to his friends, just as I had never gotten to day goodbye to him. Remus had been the one I turned to when I was in trouble. But his death extinguished something in side of me. The last marauder had finally died and my world looked bleak.
His death not only made me scared of death itself; it made me scared of life also. I was scared of a life that I would never live. I would never be carefree. I would forever have something or someone to protect. I would never be free. And out of the 36 ways of avoiding disaster I knew running away was the best.
Ben could and probably will never understand it. To be fair he was only ten at the time. Hermione has told me stories about how he would ask where I was and she would respond “Work”. Even though it wasn’t true I don’t think she wanted to admit to her son that she had no idea where his father was. Hermione was hurt more than I think I will ever be able to imagine.
Home was a place that I didn’t know. The home where my family lived was only a place I resorted to at night. After a while of wandering around muggle London I found a bar that I initially called home.
It was a dark smoky place. It was the place that you went to when you had marital problems and just needed to talk. But I didn’t talk. I just drank my troubles away. I didn’t have many bar friends. All the bartenders knew my name, but none of them really talked to me. I just stayed peacefully in my little table waiting for an adventure to come along like it had in my younger days.
My adventure didn’t take long though. The bar had an open mike night every Friday. I tried to avoid them generally. Bad singing usually killed my buzz. But one Friday I had to get away. Ben and I had gotten into a row.
“You hurt mum!” He had yelled after I had come home from work and smart mouthed to Hermione inevitably making her cry. “Leave us alone. We don’t need you!” Ben had never yelled at me before that night. He had always looked up to me just the way a son should. I knew I had let him down and that only fueled my running fire.
My usual table had been taken because the bartenders knew true well not to save it for me on Friday. So I perched myself on the counter and began drinking. It didn’t take me long for the alcohol to settle in my stomach and relax me like nothing else could.
A voice rang inside my mind, but was it inside my mind? I swiveled around on my stool to see an angel standing almost directly in front of me. She lightly swayed under the lights that I had never seen before. The voice was the angel and she seemed to be singing me a lullaby.
I stayed focused on this goddess until her song was over. I had been startled when she smiled at the applause and started making her way off the stage. Wasn’t she staying? Wasn’t she going to sing me another song? It then hit me that it was karaoke night. She was not meant to sing karaoke. She was meant to sing on cloud nine.
“Amelia” a voice rang out from somewhere I didn’t know. I almost turned my head and then realized that my eyes were looking directly into another’s. They were sky blue and immediately floored me.
“Excuse me?” My voice sounded pathetic in its own throat. I was starting to make out a face to go with the eyes. It was the angel, but she was no angel. She was a beautiful woman standing in front of me.
“Amelia is my name.” she suddenly moved out of my eye view and into the seat next to me. I swiveled around in my chair so that she would be in her eye shot.
“That’s nice.” I didn’t want to seem too anxious to talk to her. Of what I could remember about dating I knew girls didn’t like that. She gave me a small laugh as she motioned for the bartender to bring her a drink.
“So what are you, angsting or something?” She looked over at me as I looked at my drink. I guess marriage had lowered my emotional blocking walls.
“My son hates me.” I finished off the whiskey I had been gulping down. “And he’s only ten. I didn’t expect him to hate me until he was at least seventeen.”
“So why does he hate you?” Her questions were straight to the point just as Hermione’s had always been. The sheer thought of Hermione sent a chill of guilt down my spine. I quickly pushed it back though so that I could focus on the angel Amelia.
“Because I’ve been angsting.” My drink was refilled by the bartender and I knew it wasn’t going to be long before this one was gone to.
“Then you have a problem, don’t you?”
“Not at this moment.” I smiled as the alcohol ran down my throat giving it a wonderful burning sensation. “Alcohol seems to mask all problems.”
“Very profound for someone as drunk as you.” Her smile seemed to haze my world as her eyes looked deeply into my soul. She wasn’t like Hermione at all. She made my world spin, and I was beginning to get a sick feeling in my stomach. I didn’t love her, but I was quickly falling into lust with her.
“I…” My words were slurring as her skirt seemed to appear shorter than it had a second ago. “I am Harry, bloody, Potter. Of course I am profound.”
“Is that some messed up way of telling me that you’re Harry Potter?”
“Will you be turned off if I said maybe?” I turned my body to face her for the first time since she sat down. Her body was better than I thought it had been when I had first seen her. Curves seemed to be all I saw as I gave her a once over.
“I already knew.” She leaned forward slightly so that I could get a full view of her neck. Glitter had been strategically placed on the nape down to her cleavage and it made her skin appear to glow. I yearned to touch that neck, to kiss that neck.
“I’m married.” She smiled leaning back in her chair again obviously knowing that her task had succeeded.
“These days who isn’t?” Her statement caught me off guard, but her seductive smile kept the haze over my eyes.
“So are you?” It was a simple question and for the first time in the time we had been talking her smile left and she finished off her drink in a final swig.
“Who said I wasn’t angsting too?”
“Kid?”
“Husband.”
“Pity.” I looked away from her and turned my body back towards the bar away from her. “And I was really starting to like you.”
“And me being mad at my husband makes you like me less?” Her voice was no longer seductive, but angry. I could tell by her tone that I had done something wrong.
“No. It just makes me pity your husband.” She turned her face towards mine this time not out of anger but more of fascination. “I’ve been there is all.”
Silence engulfed us as we both began to realize what we were doing. She was married. Hell, I was married. We couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do it to Hermione.
“Look.” She broke my silent bubble, with her seductive word and heavenly smile. “I’m going to the motel across the street where I am currently staying in room seventeen. If you decide its worth it come find me.” And with that she was off. I sat there for a moment. Then I leaped from my seat as if it was coated with hot coals. I quickly caught up with Amelia as she was beginning to cross the road.
“It’s not worth it.” I sputtered out of breath. “But the greatest things never are.” Her smiled brightened the night as she led me over to the motel. We stayed there the night and many nights after that.
**
The sobering effect of time always affects everyone. Some say time heals all wound, but the time I was living on was borrowed. And I couldn’t count on anything to heal the wounds that I had caused.
I came home willingly although Hermione sometimes still doesn’t believe it. Ron was the one who had found me. After a few good punches he knocked my old sense back into me. I will never forget the look on his face when I told him about Amelia. I thought he might abandon me right then and there. But of course he stayed, like any good friend would.
But he never forced me to go home. I made that decision on my own. I’m not going to make it out as if it was a decision drawn by love and a newly found responsibility for my family. No, what made me go home was just a memory. It had been right after Ben had taken his first steps and Hermione gave me this look… I’ll never forget it. She looked at me as if she had never been more proud. I knew I probably would never get that look again, but even the faintest of lights fluttered in my heart giving me hope.
The statement that Hermione was cold is an understatement. I couldn’t even get her to talk to me for about four weeks until after I was home. The only thing that may have been worse was the way Ben was affected. I think he had just become used to the idea that he didn’t need me when I came home. He refused to even look at me. For years afterwards, even after we had supposedly gotten over it, I could see this look every time I left the house. He looked at me like he expected me never to come back. And the worse thing of all is that I knew that if I left he may not care.
As clichéd as it sounds all a parent ever wants is for their kid to be happy. And every time I walk out the door, even if it is to go somewhere like the grocery, I feel as if I failed him. Over the years he tried to take the load off of my chest, but nothing could push away my guilt. The sea was getting high on my life and I started to crash.
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
We collapsed onto the bed as her feverish skin rubbed against mine sending chills through my spine and almost all of my blood downward. The hotness of her aura was an overpowering sensation and in that moment all I wanted to do was get lost in it. She was always easy to get lost in, but the problem is coming back out.
She gasped lightly as I began to trail hard passionate kissed down her supple neck. A moaned escaped her lips and I thought that I would die. She was perfect. She was young reckless. And she expected absolutely nothing out of me.
“I don’t love you.” I said in a firm almost stopping voice. Of course I didn’t love her. I was almost old enough to be her father. She flashed me a mischievous grin.
“Baby, do I look like the type of girl who falls in love?” I felt stupid as I looked down at her frame underneath mine. “Now I would appreciate if we could continue so that you can fuck my brains out.” She laughed as I immediately beckoned to her command. I would have done almost anything for her at the moment.
Death is… questions. No one really knows what happens after you die, even if people claim they do. Death is the biggest mystery of time only second to Life. Our human minds cannot possibly grasp the concept, and we eventually get scared. We get scared and we ultimately end up running.
Most of my life I wasn’t afraid of death. I had seen death, and death had surrounded me like almost a companion most of my life. But the day that I started to settle down in a life that involved more life than death I became subtly aware that death no longer surrounded me. I started to fear death. Not fully of course, but the fear still lingered in side of me like a child.
The day he died was the day the fear had come out fully. He had never had enough time. Time was a tricky thing. Remus never had time to say goodbye to his friends, just as I had never gotten to day goodbye to him. Remus had been the one I turned to when I was in trouble. But his death extinguished something in side of me. The last marauder had finally died and my world looked bleak.
His death not only made me scared of death itself; it made me scared of life also. I was scared of a life that I would never live. I would never be carefree. I would forever have something or someone to protect. I would never be free. And out of the 36 ways of avoiding disaster I knew running away was the best.
Ben could and probably will never understand it. To be fair he was only ten at the time. Hermione has told me stories about how he would ask where I was and she would respond “Work”. Even though it wasn’t true I don’t think she wanted to admit to her son that she had no idea where his father was. Hermione was hurt more than I think I will ever be able to imagine.
Home was a place that I didn’t know. The home where my family lived was only a place I resorted to at night. After a while of wandering around muggle London I found a bar that I initially called home.
It was a dark smoky place. It was the place that you went to when you had marital problems and just needed to talk. But I didn’t talk. I just drank my troubles away. I didn’t have many bar friends. All the bartenders knew my name, but none of them really talked to me. I just stayed peacefully in my little table waiting for an adventure to come along like it had in my younger days.
My adventure didn’t take long though. The bar had an open mike night every Friday. I tried to avoid them generally. Bad singing usually killed my buzz. But one Friday I had to get away. Ben and I had gotten into a row.
“You hurt mum!” He had yelled after I had come home from work and smart mouthed to Hermione inevitably making her cry. “Leave us alone. We don’t need you!” Ben had never yelled at me before that night. He had always looked up to me just the way a son should. I knew I had let him down and that only fueled my running fire.
My usual table had been taken because the bartenders knew true well not to save it for me on Friday. So I perched myself on the counter and began drinking. It didn’t take me long for the alcohol to settle in my stomach and relax me like nothing else could.
A voice rang inside my mind, but was it inside my mind? I swiveled around on my stool to see an angel standing almost directly in front of me. She lightly swayed under the lights that I had never seen before. The voice was the angel and she seemed to be singing me a lullaby.
I stayed focused on this goddess until her song was over. I had been startled when she smiled at the applause and started making her way off the stage. Wasn’t she staying? Wasn’t she going to sing me another song? It then hit me that it was karaoke night. She was not meant to sing karaoke. She was meant to sing on cloud nine.
“Amelia” a voice rang out from somewhere I didn’t know. I almost turned my head and then realized that my eyes were looking directly into another’s. They were sky blue and immediately floored me.
“Excuse me?” My voice sounded pathetic in its own throat. I was starting to make out a face to go with the eyes. It was the angel, but she was no angel. She was a beautiful woman standing in front of me.
“Amelia is my name.” she suddenly moved out of my eye view and into the seat next to me. I swiveled around in my chair so that she would be in her eye shot.
“That’s nice.” I didn’t want to seem too anxious to talk to her. Of what I could remember about dating I knew girls didn’t like that. She gave me a small laugh as she motioned for the bartender to bring her a drink.
“So what are you, angsting or something?” She looked over at me as I looked at my drink. I guess marriage had lowered my emotional blocking walls.
“My son hates me.” I finished off the whiskey I had been gulping down. “And he’s only ten. I didn’t expect him to hate me until he was at least seventeen.”
“So why does he hate you?” Her questions were straight to the point just as Hermione’s had always been. The sheer thought of Hermione sent a chill of guilt down my spine. I quickly pushed it back though so that I could focus on the angel Amelia.
“Because I’ve been angsting.” My drink was refilled by the bartender and I knew it wasn’t going to be long before this one was gone to.
“Then you have a problem, don’t you?”
“Not at this moment.” I smiled as the alcohol ran down my throat giving it a wonderful burning sensation. “Alcohol seems to mask all problems.”
“Very profound for someone as drunk as you.” Her smile seemed to haze my world as her eyes looked deeply into my soul. She wasn’t like Hermione at all. She made my world spin, and I was beginning to get a sick feeling in my stomach. I didn’t love her, but I was quickly falling into lust with her.
“I…” My words were slurring as her skirt seemed to appear shorter than it had a second ago. “I am Harry, bloody, Potter. Of course I am profound.”
“Is that some messed up way of telling me that you’re Harry Potter?”
“Will you be turned off if I said maybe?” I turned my body to face her for the first time since she sat down. Her body was better than I thought it had been when I had first seen her. Curves seemed to be all I saw as I gave her a once over.
“I already knew.” She leaned forward slightly so that I could get a full view of her neck. Glitter had been strategically placed on the nape down to her cleavage and it made her skin appear to glow. I yearned to touch that neck, to kiss that neck.
“I’m married.” She smiled leaning back in her chair again obviously knowing that her task had succeeded.
“These days who isn’t?” Her statement caught me off guard, but her seductive smile kept the haze over my eyes.
“So are you?” It was a simple question and for the first time in the time we had been talking her smile left and she finished off her drink in a final swig.
“Who said I wasn’t angsting too?”
“Kid?”
“Husband.”
“Pity.” I looked away from her and turned my body back towards the bar away from her. “And I was really starting to like you.”
“And me being mad at my husband makes you like me less?” Her voice was no longer seductive, but angry. I could tell by her tone that I had done something wrong.
“No. It just makes me pity your husband.” She turned her face towards mine this time not out of anger but more of fascination. “I’ve been there is all.”
Silence engulfed us as we both began to realize what we were doing. She was married. Hell, I was married. We couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do it to Hermione.
“Look.” She broke my silent bubble, with her seductive word and heavenly smile. “I’m going to the motel across the street where I am currently staying in room seventeen. If you decide its worth it come find me.” And with that she was off. I sat there for a moment. Then I leaped from my seat as if it was coated with hot coals. I quickly caught up with Amelia as she was beginning to cross the road.
“It’s not worth it.” I sputtered out of breath. “But the greatest things never are.” Her smiled brightened the night as she led me over to the motel. We stayed there the night and many nights after that.
**
The sobering effect of time always affects everyone. Some say time heals all wound, but the time I was living on was borrowed. And I couldn’t count on anything to heal the wounds that I had caused.
I came home willingly although Hermione sometimes still doesn’t believe it. Ron was the one who had found me. After a few good punches he knocked my old sense back into me. I will never forget the look on his face when I told him about Amelia. I thought he might abandon me right then and there. But of course he stayed, like any good friend would.
But he never forced me to go home. I made that decision on my own. I’m not going to make it out as if it was a decision drawn by love and a newly found responsibility for my family. No, what made me go home was just a memory. It had been right after Ben had taken his first steps and Hermione gave me this look… I’ll never forget it. She looked at me as if she had never been more proud. I knew I probably would never get that look again, but even the faintest of lights fluttered in my heart giving me hope.
The statement that Hermione was cold is an understatement. I couldn’t even get her to talk to me for about four weeks until after I was home. The only thing that may have been worse was the way Ben was affected. I think he had just become used to the idea that he didn’t need me when I came home. He refused to even look at me. For years afterwards, even after we had supposedly gotten over it, I could see this look every time I left the house. He looked at me like he expected me never to come back. And the worse thing of all is that I knew that if I left he may not care.
As clichéd as it sounds all a parent ever wants is for their kid to be happy. And every time I walk out the door, even if it is to go somewhere like the grocery, I feel as if I failed him. Over the years he tried to take the load off of my chest, but nothing could push away my guilt. The sea was getting high on my life and I started to crash.
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