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Categories > Games > Sonic the Hedgehog > Ultimate Life Forms

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• Ultimate Life Forms

  (#) Catachresis 2006-03-15

  Hey. I'm the one who meta-rated 'Train Wreck' on your fic, and I'll tell you why. For starters the prologue is completely unecessary. Not only is it told very blandly, but it should be embedded into the story itself. If it was embedded into the story it could better relate the actions of the past with those of the present.
  Secondly, the writing tends to stray in odd places. For instance, when Tails opens the door for Sonic (Shadow), Tails comments on Amy. While the 'maybe it was Amy' does reference her, that is still no reason to go on a long tangent on how Amy clings to Sonic when she is obviously not there, not importnat, and no clinging action is occuring.
  The final thing that irked me from a casual read was how the story fell into 'telling but not showing'. For example 'Sonic wasn't the type to get angry easily, but apparently this black hedgehog had found a way to do it.' Big deal. How did Sonic get mad? Show us how he got mad instead of telling us. Did his shoulders shake? Body temperature rise? A growl escape his teeth? Another example 'The first time Shadow had made this demand, the fox had looked taken aback and confused. But this time he glared at Shadow with a resolve that surprised Shadow, for one so young.' It'd sound a lot better if I actually got a description of the encounter, rather than some observer's notes.
  
  I read your profile on netraptor.org, and from it I can tell there's a passion for writing there. So take improvements from what I said and don't let what I said discourage you. You're good, but let me help you get better.
  
  
  
  Author\'s Response: Thank you so much for reviewing. However, I agree with some of your concerns and disagree with others.As far as your first concern goes, the prologue, I agree with you. It was a bad idea that I came up with over a year ago when I was in a hurry. I'm trying to think of the best way to fix this problem without scratching the work that I've already done, and starting over. I know two chapters isn't allot, but I actually already have six. I just loaded them onto this sight yet.Next there's the fact that my wrighting style tends to wander. Well I disagree with you here. When I go around doing things my mind is rarely on the task at hand, unless I'm doing something new, that I'm not used to. So when the characters' mind wanders the narrator's description wanders. I don't think that this is a bad form of wrighting, but I am open to further discusion about it.Lastly you said that I should give a description of what's going on, besides the observer's notes. I think that this is a great idea, and will try to start implimenting it into my wrighting style. Even though I respect your opinion, I have gotten enough compliments on Fanfiction.net that I don't think I need to change my first six chapters to meet your satisfaction anytime in the forseeable future. I may change my story around some time, but I'd rather work on the next chapters in the story for the time being.Anyway thanks again for reviewing, and for being honest. I hope that nothing I've said offended you, and if it did, please accept my apologies.I'll be checking out your stories sometime.God bless you.I am the Eggman!

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