Some months after Zeromus' defeat, Kain broods over the impossibility of his situation. (YAOI)
It had been the same nightmare, as always. The seductive voice that whispered mockeries in his ear, driving him mad, stirring lust and jealousy and all the dark urges buried within his heart that he tried so hard to suppress--he had given himself over to it again, and the world burned. Kain was shaking, his face buried in his hands. That voice was gone, he thought firmly to himself, and it would return to torment him no longer. However, no matter how many times he told himself that Zemus was dead, and that the voice which made him do such terrible things was nothing more than a painful memory, Kain could not escape the fear.
I will not perish, so long as evil dwells in the hearts of mankind.
It was a single sentence of fourteen simple words that had haunted Kain for what seemed like an eternity, though it had in truth only been a scant few months. It was ultimately the reason he chose to stay away from the man sleeping peacefully in the next bed over from him.
Kain turned and gazed at his best friend, the man who meant everything to him. Moonlight streamed through the window of the small inn room, bathing the slumbering king in silver light. Kain could not help but smile. He had always found Cecil attractive, for as long as he could remember. However, caressed by the moonlight, his best friend's pale luminescence was simply intoxicating. The irony was not lost on the dragoon, and he chuckled silently to himself. If he had not known that Cecil was a child of the moon before, it would have been immediately apparent then. His was an otherworldly sort of radiance that filled Kain's heart with bliss and longing and everything in between.
So long as it was simply the two of them in a small, country inn, under a silent moon, Kain could pretend that he would not mar that sacred perfection with his profane hands. He could dream that it was his calloused hands tangled in that silky silver hair, his breath upon Cecil's neck, his arms wrapped around him. He could watch the beautiful paladin sleep, lose himself in that feeling of warmth, and forget all about the pain and the fear which kept him away. He could pretend he was worthy of the love he so desperately wanted from him in return.
"I love you," Kain whispered under his breath. They were the words locked inside his heart for so many years, the three words he was most afraid of. They represented the all-encompassing yearning he felt, and all the anguish that went with it. Even Kain did not realize the true nature of it...so many years he spent believing it was Rosa he wanted, when in truth, it was Cecil. The voice exposed his feelings for what they were; such was the power it had. It twisted those feelings until he was consumed by a burning rage so strong it nearly drove him to murder the very man he loved.
Kain wanted desperately to forget, to have his fantasy for just one more night. Tomorrow they would return to the castle, and Cecil would once more be the just king and loving husband, as unattainable to Kain as the moon his people came from. He would never hear those words inside the dragoon's heart, because he would not be there to say them. He would leave Baron never to return.
Kain nestled back under the covers, his piercing blue eyes still locked on Cecil's slumbering form. Yes, it was better this way, he thought. He was weak and unworthy, a man tainted. Perhaps someday, when he was stronger...when he could be sure the darkness would not consume him again, when he could be sure he would not hurt him again.
One day, you will know how much I love you.