“Ryan, I could never be away from you for that long, you’re like my brother.” Savannah said to me, after I had told her that she didn’t have to come on tour with us if she didn’t want to. Even though I would’ve been devastated if she had said no. But I wouldn’t let her know that.
“Well only if your sure.” I said to her.
Yes, a brother. That is all I will ever be to her. I’ve grown up dreaming that someday I would be able to her hold in my arms, and tell her that I love her, but it’s too late now. She’s never showed any more interest in me than a friend, and if she is happy that way then I’m ok with it. And if I were to tell her that I love her and have wanted her to be my girl friend for so long, there’s that chance of rejection. After that, what would happen? If she told me she didn’t love me in that way would we still be as close friends? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I hurt our friendship in any way. So, for now, the thought of us being together remains a fantasy in my dreams.
I walked outside to find Savannah leaning against the tour bus, staring into the sunset. The breeze blew lightly, sending the sweet scent of her hair into my face. I said her name softly and waited for her reply.
“Yes, Ryan?” My heart melts every time she says my name.
I told her we needed to leave and after a few minutes we both walked onto the tour bus quietly. The rest of the guys were already asleep, after staying up for almost the entire night. Savannah went to the back to change while I continued to finish the updates on our bands website. I realized I was hungry and grabbed some left over spaghetti out of the fridge. I heard footsteps and looked up from my food and saw Savannah sit down across from me.
“Want some spaghetti?”
After getting on the tour bus, I went back to change into my pajamas. I slipped on my polka dotted pajama pants and put on an old t-shirt. When I was done changing, I walked out to the front of the bus and sat down across from Ryan. He offered me some spaghetti, and we ate in silence for awhile.
“Can you play it again?” Ryan had just finished playing me a song he wrote as I was laying on his bed listening.
“How about you come to our band practice and let us play it for you then?” He said to me, “It will sound a lot better with the whole band.”
“But I like hearing you sing, not that I don’t like Brendon’s voice…”
“Ok, fine…one more time” He said to me as he smiled.
I listened to him play the song again, closing my eyes and letting to music sink in. Ryan, why can’t you just be mine? Yeah, like that would ever happen. Ryan is way to perfect for me. How could I ever be a good enough girlfriend for him? No, it would never work. I just wish I could tell him how I felt, but shouldn’t I be happy that we’re such close friends? Sometimes my heart aches when I’m around him, because I know that I couldn’t ever possibly be enough for him. He deserves someone better than me…
I continued to listen to his sweet voice as he finished the song once again. When he was done, he looked up at me for approval.
“Even better than the first time.” I said as I smiled at him.
“Savannah?” Whenever he says my name, I always dream that an ‘I love you’ will follow. But of course, it never does…
“….Savannah..” He said my name again, and I realized I hadn’t answered him the first time.
“Sorry, I was just thinking.”
“Savannah, you always say that. Are you ever going to tell me what goes through your head all the time?”
“I don’t always say that. And I do tell you what I’m thinking…sometimes,” I said as I gave him a quick smirk, “and besides, it’s all girly stuff so you wouldn’t want to hear it.”
We finished off the rest of the spaghetti and cleaned up the table. Feeling a little tired, I laid down on the couch and watched Ryan type away on his laptop. Sometimes it’s annoying going on the internet and seeing how completely obsessed people are with the band, well mostly Ryan and Brendon. It’s even more annoying at their shows when they constantly have girls throwing themselves at them. Brendon seems to love the attention, but Ryan doesn’t get very absorbed in it, which is good. I hate all the stupid screaming fans that think they are Ryan’s soul mate. It makes me wanna puke. But I guess I can’t blame them, after all, he is perfect. I sighed at the thought of how perfect he is and how imperfect I am.
“What?” Ryan said, questioning my sigh, and interrupting my thoughts once more.
“Girl stuff.” I replied.
“Oh ,right.” he said while rolling his eyes.
Savannah always seemed to zone out a lot. I’ve watched her dozens of times as she would just sit and think, so deep in thought. And of course, whenever I would ask her what she was thinking, she wouldn’t tell me. There were a few times that I got a, “It’s just about school.” or “Just something my mom said the other day.” and this time it was ‘girl stuff.’ Whatever that means. But it really drives me crazy not knowing what she is thinking about. She seems to have the same look on her face every time too. Her expression always seems kind of upset, yet content, and she always seems to sigh. Could she possibly be thinking about the same thing every time? And if she was, what the hell could it ever possibly be? One of these days I’m going to go crazy from not knowing.
I finally finished up on the computer and closed the laptop. I looked out the window of the bus, watching the cars pass by on the highway, and realized it was pretty late. As I was getting up, I realized Savannah had fallen asleep on the couch. Her light brown hair laid gently across her shoulders, while her amazing hazel eyes were hidden beneath her closed lids. I carefully picked her up off the couch, trying hard not to wake her up, and carried her to her bed. As I laid her down and covered her with her sheets and blanket, I could not stop staring at her beautiful face. A strand of hair fell onto her cheek, and I slowly leaned forward to brush it out of the way. My face was only inches from hers, and I just couldn’t resist the temptation. I could smell the sweet scent of her skin while I gently kissed her on the lips. As I moved away, ever so slowly to make sure she wouldn’t wake up, I whispered, “Goodnight Savannah.”