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Major spoiler for episode six of Doctor Who: The Doctor's Daughter. Doctor angst and reflection.
The fire that I have can’t be in every creature spread across the galaxies. If it was there would be no war, no sadness, and no pain. But there is and I must suffer them all.
But she was so full of life. So full of the joys and hope of the young. She had the choice and she made the right one and I was happy for her, until afterwards, when I had prayed that she’d made the other decision. I find that wrong. That I should wish the death of a human. But I can’t help it. That man wanted war. He didn’t want peace, he wanted genocide and he shot Jenny. My daughter. I truly had hoped I had found something worth living for, something to save me.
And when I pointed the gun at his head I wanted so badly to pull the trigger, to have revenge. I was so angry it hurt. My daughter was lying there, in her own blood, and the regeneration wasn’t working. And that was because of my own failure. That wasn’t logical; I just thought it has to be so. It was because of me the regeneration process didn’t work. I wasn’t strong enough, I didn’t show her. There are a hundred reasons and I feel them all. My inadequacy as a parent.
I scared myself with the urge to kill. The sudden feeling in my gut that to have this man die in front of me in, screaming, would somehow be satisfying.
And still with all the battles I had stopped, all the battles I had ended, all the battles I had crushed, I was still fighting myself and the only reason I didn’t shoot him was because Jenny was there. I didn’t want to become what I had told her she should never be, not in her presence. But what about next time? What about the time when someone pushes me just that bit too far? What then? How will I react? Will I shoot? Will I make them feel my pain and my grief? Will I make them feel every last drop of my anguish? Will I make them feel Jenny and all the others who have died because of me? Will I?
I am the man that never world. Aren’t I?