Categories > Cartoons > X-Men: Evolution

Be It Ever So Humble

by RedWitch 1 review

Just another average day at the Brotherhood House. Too bad Mystique...

Category: X-Men: Evolution - Rating: G - Genres: Humor - Characters: Avalanche, Blob, Mystique, Quicksilver, Toad - Published: 2005-05-13 - Updated: 2005-05-13 - 2198 words - Complete


Be it Ever So Humble...
Mystique sighed as she pulled her car up to the driveway of the Brotherhood House. She hated having to go there. Personally she would have sat through a hundred parent-teacher conferences rather than go home on a Friday night. Especially with teenagers like the Brotherhood. She used to live in a nice apartment, separate from them, but thanks to orders from Magneto, that had changed.
"They need to be supervised Mystique," he told her. "You need to watch them. They are still children and someone has to watch them to keep them out of mischief."
Watch them? Who's going to watch out for me? She thought bitterly. It was bad enough having to deal with them at school, but now that I am living with them twenty-four seven I am losing my mind!
"This is pathetic," she groaned, still sitting in the car. "Here I am, one of the world's greatest terrorists, a master of disguise and intrigue. And how are my talents being put to use? Am I plotting assassinations? Developing new weapons and toxic poisons? Spying on governments? Nooooo. I'm playing nanny to four hyperactive destructive brats! One of which just happens to be my boss's kid! He oughta spend some time with the little spoiled speed demon if he's so worried about him! At least when Rogue was here I had a little more control over them. At least when they were drooling over her they didn't get into too much trouble! She was the only mature one in the group! But noooo, she had to go to Xavier leaving me alone with a slimy smelly frog-boy, a conceited lazy earthquake maker, a fat slob who eats everything in sight, and the boss's prissy insane lunatic son all of which have the collective I.Q. of Spam!"
She sighed. "Why me? Why do I stay with him? There's got to be other mutant terrorist groups out there that can use my talents. One without kids! Oh well, let's just get it over with."
She got out of the car and into the house. As she opened the door she smelled a very strange bitter stench. More acidic than usual. "Oh lord, not this again! Toad! Are you cooking insects in the toaster again?"
She followed her nose to the kitchen. There to her shock was Fred, mixing some sort of chemicals. And making a very large mess.
"What are you doing!" Mystique roared. Fred jumped a little. This caused some of the chemicals to mix a bit and cause a bit of smoke.
"Blob please tell me you are not trying to cook dinner again!" Mystique groaned. "The last time you did that we all had to get our stomachs pumped. Well, except for Toad, but he eats insects so..."
"I'm not cookin' nothin'." Fred defended.
"Blob, I see you in the kitchen making a mess. There is smoke everywhere and stuff all over the place. Even you can come up with a better lie than that! Stick to eating food, for all our sakes!"
"It's not food! It's an experiment!"
"An experiment? You are doing an experiment? You? The same person who almost ate his frog in biology class?"
"Well I was really hungry and it was an emergency."
"Yes, I can see how hungry a person can get ten minutes after eating lunch! So what is this experiment of yours?"
"I'm going to make gold!" Fred proudly proclaimed.
"Okay, I'll bite. Why?"
"Well you are always complaining on how much money we go through due to food, bandages, explosives and stuff..."
"Well today at school I was really bored so I decided to actually read my books and stuff and I came across this section on alchemy!"
"Ah ha, I think I see where this is going."
"And I figured that if we knew how to do that, we could have an unlimited source of cash! Then we could get whatever we wanted! We could get a mansion bigger than the X-jerks! Cool huh?"
"Yes, lovely. Blob, the thought that the most rational, intelligent people in the world...people who actually know what they are doing have tried this for centuries and it still hasn't worked. That doesn't discourage you in any way?
"Oh no. I like a challenge."
"Blob, let's face reality. For you a challenge is seeing a half-eaten pizza in the garbage and not eating it. This is way out of your league! Now clean up this mess before we have another incident like last time! If it wasn't for all the money Toad got pickpocketing we'd still have a hole in the roof! Speaking of which, where is the revolting animal and his lunatic, for lack of a better word, friends?"
"I dunno."
"Big surprise! Clean this up!" She left the kitchen and grumbled to herself. "Never thought I'd see that lummox play with anything other than a bucket of chicken. It must be his turn to use the brain cell tonight. Now where are the rest of them?"
Almost immediately she noticed a loud blaring noise commonly described as music by the boys. She went upstairs to the bedroom and pounded on the door. No response. She pounded again. "Alvers! Lance Alvers turn that racket down! Oh great, now I'm sounding like an actor in a bad t.v. sitcom! Fine, you asked for it!"
She kicked down the door. Lance was lying down on the bed, reading a car magazine with plenty of barely dressed models sprawled all over the vehicles. "Hey Mystique, knock first before you come in will ya?" he said in that bored superior tone that made her want to snap his spine in half.
She shut off the stereo. "Hey what are you doing?" Lance snapped.
"Where were you seventh period today?" she started into him.
"No you weren't! I checked. You were skipping again, weren't you? For what reason this time? It better not have been smoking again!"
"No way Boss Lady, I gave that up a long time ago."
"So what were you doing?"
"Just hangin' out. I didn't feel too well. I had a headache."
"Oh yes, well...Headache my eye! If you keep skipping you are going to get a serious buttache! Do you understand?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, "Lance rolled his eyes.
"Don't you use that tone of voice with me mister! Remember who you are talking to!"
"Yeah a blue nutcase with PMS," Lance mumbled.
"I heard that! Get up!"
"You can't tell me what to do! You...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" Lance yelped in pain as Mystique grabbed his ear with one hand and twisted his arm with the other.
"You were saying Mr. Alvers?" she snarled.
"Ow! Ow! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He cried out in agony.
"Now, let's come to an understanding, shall we? You will go to class unless I tell you otherwise. You will treat me with respect. You will not be such a smart mouthed little punk in this house! Do you understand?"
"Uh huh..." he sniffed.
"Now are you gonna stop skipping classes?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
"You gonna keep acting like a spoiled brat?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
"WHAT?" she increased the pressure on his ear.
"I mean no, no, no, no!"
"Good!" she threw him back on the bed. "Now, we have that settled, where are the others? I know Blob's in the kitchen."
"Where else?" Lance snickered.
"So where are the rest of them?"
"Well, Pietro said he had something to do. Dunno what it is. Maybe he took Toad with him."
"Wonderful, with those two loose anything can happen! We better find them before something disastrous happens. The last time they tried to toilet paper Xavier's mansion and nearly ended up putting us all in the hospital trying to bail them out! "
Lance groaned and followed her out of the room. "Now where would I go if I was Toad?" she grumbled. "Other than a swamp with the rest of the slimy frogs."
Lance glanced around. Suddenly he saw Toad hit the nearby window from the outside with a thud!
"Found him!" he shouted. He opened up the window and helped the dazed mutant into the house. There were springs tied to the bottom of his sneakers.
"Hey Lance," Todd replied in a funny voice. "Whoa...lookit all the pretty stars."
"What were you doing?" Mystique groaned again.
"Just trying something new," Todd shook his head to clear the cobwebs. "Thought I could add some height to my jump. Saw it in a comic book. What a rush."
Mystique slapped her head. "Oh god, why me? Lance take those things off him. Now all we have to do is find..."
She heard a wild maniacal laugh and the front door slam. The entire house shook.
"Pietro," she sighed heading downstairs.
"Pizza Pizza Pizza!" Pietro was laughing and dancing around holding a dozen pizza boxes. Mystique walked over to talk to him. Unfortunately she didn't realize that she had walked right in front of the kitchen.
"Dinner!" Fred ran out of the kitchen, literally knocking her down. As she tried to get up, Lance and Todd trampled on her back.
"I get pepperoni!"
"Yo! Pass the Anchovies my way!"
"Yuck! Gimme sausage any day!"
"Mmmmmmm! Good!"
"How can you eat anchovies?"
"He eats flies, Pietro. Think about it."
"Hey, I like anchovies too!"
"You eat anything Blob!"
"Hey, It's not good to be a picky eater!"
"Where's the extra cheese?"
"Here ya go!"
"Hey watch it!"
"Where's the orange soda?"
Mystique groggily looked upwards at the feeding frenzy in the living room. She had seen hyenas on nature documentaries eating with more decorum. She stood up, rage slowly building. I will not kill them. I will not kill them. Maim them, yes, but I will not kill them.
"Boys! Boys? KNOCK IT OFF YOU MANIACS!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. Immediately they turned around, cut silent. "That's better." She said, controlling her temper. "Now, is there any pizza left over? Or have you pigs devoured it all? I swear I should just get a trough. It would make my life a lot easier around here."
"You got it!" Todd grabbed a small box with his tongue. He tossed it to her.
"Thank you, Toad," she moaned feeling defeated. "Oh look...anchovies, pineapple, peanut butter, and what are those things?"
"Chili peppers," Pietro said. "Extra hot."
"On second thought. I think I'll make myself a salad."
"Can I have that?" asked Todd.
"Help yourself," she sighed handing it back to Todd. Todd happily gulped down the entire contents, box and all. Two seconds later he was jumping around like a lunatic.
"OW! OW! OW! OW! FIRE! FIRE! HOT! HOT! HOT! YO MAMMA! WATER! WATER! WATER!" Todd screamed, tears streaming down his eyes, tongue lolling out of his mouth and knocking over everything else in sight. The guys were laughing while Mystique held her face in her hands.
"Maybe," She moaned to herself. "Maybe if I go to Rogue on my knees and beg her to come back she'll consider it."
Meanwhile Todd was hopping all over the room, going bonkers. Pietro let out an evil laugh, raced out and was back with a hose. Lance gave him an evil grin. "Man wants some water." He smirked.
"Let's give him some," Pietro laughed then ran outside with the other end of the hose. A second later he ran inside. "All set!"
"Ready, Aim, Fire!" They shouted, dousing Todd, Fred and Mystique with the wild spray.
"Thanks," Todd gulped. "I needed that. Hey, do we have any more of that stuff?"
Mystique was on her knees. "Please Rogue. Please. I'll give you anything you want. A larger allowance. A car. No curfews. No gym or detentions for the rest of your life! You want straight A's? You got it! Anything! Anything! Just don't leave me alone with /them/!" She broke down sobbing.
"Whoa, what's with her?"Asked Fred.
"Dunno man, maybe she's not feeling to well or somethin?" Todd shrugged.
A large BOOM was heard from the kitchen. "Aw man, I knew there was something I forgot to do!" Fred groaned. The boys ran into the kitchen, leaving Mystique alone.
"Wow! Look at the size of that hole!" Pietro cried out.
"Rogue come back, please come back..." Mystique sobbed.

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. The idea for the characters being teenagers is not mine.
/Mystique runs out: /Yes and I for one would like to have a word with the genius who did make that decision! Where is he? Who are they? I want vengeance!
Um, as I was saying I was bored and came up with this silly little idea of what a typical night at the Brotherhood house would be like. Mystique glares at the author.
I think I'd better go now! Bye!

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