Categories > Cartoons > G.I. Joe

Cobra Commander Calls A Meeting

by RedWitch 0 Reviews

Cobra Commander tries to bring order to his staff meeting. It works just as well as his other plans...

Category: G.I. Joe - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Characters: Baroness, Cobra Commander, Destro, Zarana, Zartan - Published: 2005/05/13 - Updated: 2005/05/13 - 923 words - Complete

Disclaimer: Don't own anything...Due to popular demand, I decided to break down and write a short COBRA piece. Well one person wanted it. Close enough...
Cobra Commander Calls a Meeting

"Loyal COBRA subjects! My faithful followers," Cobra Commander spoke from the podium. He paused as he listened to the chatter below. "Friends, COBRA's, lend me your ears!" Still more noise. With a sigh he took out a pistol and fired it at the ceiling. "LISTEN UP BOZOS! I'M TALKING HERE!"
Silence fell immediately. "That's better," He grumbled, replacing the pistol inside its holster. "Welcome again to our monthly COBRA general meeting. Don't bother trying to sneak out. The doors have been locked and electrified and only I have the key. There are snipers poised at the windows if anyone tries to make a break for it! Nobody is leaving until I finish talking."
"Great, that means we'll be stuck here forever," Zartan muttered.
"Now to start off with," Cobra Commander began. "I'd like to congratulate the COBRA cooks for their hard work on yesterday's banquet. I don't think you men appreciate how hard it is to cook for thousands of troops on a limited budget. So let's congratulate them. Oh come on people let's not have any hard feelings shall we? Just stand up and give them a round of applause. Look you losers, nobody is leaving until everyone stands up and applauds them!"
Applause filled the room briefly. "That's better," He said. "I now want to congratulate the COBRA sub the S.S. Razorfish and it's record of sinking 35 subs in a single month. Unfortunately 32 of them were ours, but still you have to admit that is an impressive record. I salute the new captain and crew and hope they do better than their predecessors."
"Okay moving on I'd like to say a word about the mutiny," Cobra Commander consulted his notes.
"Which one?" Torch called out.
"Last week's," Cobra Commander spat out. "It's really starting to get old people! I don't know why you people bother."
"I don't know why he keeps the guys who do mutiny," Buzzer said to his fellow Dreadnocks. "Well, the guys with the most power anyway. I mean what's the point of having Dr. Mindbender and Destro around if they're going to stab us in the back?"
"Because we're the one who pay your bills!" Destro shouted out.
"Oh," Buzzer said. "That makes sense."
"Hey, we didn't do it this time," Mindbender said. "You can't blame us for mutiny this time!"
"Blame the cooks!" A voice shouted out. "Why do you think we mutiny all the time?"
"Look guys I think the real problem with this organization and mutinies is the lack of communication!" Cobra Commander said. "Now you all know that I am always ready to listen to new ideas..."
"Since when?" Mindbender asked.
"Listen," Cobra Commander ignored the comment. "The door to my office is always open. Of course that's mainly because someone stole the door to my office, and I want it back!"
"Okay up next is a list of this month's activities: Movie night has been scheduled for Fridays. This month the movies are: Scream, Hidden Evil, The Devil's Advocate and due to popular demand Mary Poppins. And a special note here, the COBRA playhouse is once again producing its highly acclaimed version of the Sound of Music. The leads are surprise, surprise, Destro and the Baroness. However I must admit I did enjoy it last year. Particularly your unique interpretation of the story where instead of the Von Trapp Family fleeing to Switzerland after winning the singing contest they conquer the country instead. Warms my heart everytime."
"Hey are the Dreadknocks playing the Von Trapp kids again this year?" Scrap Iron asked.
"Oh no!" Torch groaned. "Zartan please tell us we don't have to wear those stupid leather shorts again!"
"What's wrong with the leather shorts?" Monkeywrench asked. "I liked them."
"You would," Torch grumbled.
"Well I am definitely not wearing a dress this time I'll tell you that much!" Buzzer shouted.
"Moving on," Cobra Commander continued. "Ah yes, the poker and Russian Roulette tournaments will be held this month. All survivors will get a complementary T-shirt. And now here's Zartan with a few announcements of his own. Over to you Zartan."
"Thank you Cobra Commander," Zartan stepped up to the podium. "I'd like to take this moment to announce that at the end of the week we are going to hold open tryouts for membership in our elite society of Dreadnocks. Torch! Stop picking your nose! That is disgusting!"
"Sorry boss."
"Anyway," Zartan continued. "I also would like to let all of you know that tapes of Destro and the Baroness in the Laundry room are now available at 5 dollars a pop," Zartan said.
"You swine!" Baroness shouted. "We paid you good money for the original!"
"We made copies," Zartan shrugged. "Sue us!"
"I've got a better idea!" Destro took out his pistol and started firing a Zartan.
Zartan ducked and started firing back. The Baroness and several other COBRA soldiers fired with her. The Dreadknocks and other soldiers fired back. Cobra Commander watched from his hiding place as the auditorium broke out into a massive firefight with everyone shooting.
"Just once," He groaned. "Just once I'd like to get through a meeting without a shoot-out!"
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