We all know Dante's story, but what about his Devil Arms? A day in the lives of a Devil Hunter's weaponry.
I don't own Devil May Cry or any of its characters.
Somewhere within one of the countless slums in the United States of America was a small, rundown building, the words Devil May Cry flickering erratically over its wooden double doors. Within its walls were normal office furnishings: a desk, a couch, and even a vintage jukebox. However, hanging up on the walls were various weapons and strange skulls, gruesome trophies collected by their owner in pride of his profession. However, these were mere trinkets; replaceable, if somewhat costly. The real treasures laid in a magically modified display case sequestered in a corner of the room. Within it laid several strange devices vaguely resembling guns, two pairs of gauntlets, a black broad sword with cross guards molded to resemble bats' wings, twin serrated scimitars, differing only in coloration, a three-headed nunchaku and strangely, a vicious-looking guitar.
While a few of these were simply uniquely designed weapons, most of them were in fact the souls of powerful demons manifested in the forms of weapons and tools to be wielded against their master's foes. However, the sentience of these Devil Arms did have one debilitating drawback.
"I am bored," the red scimitar, Agni stated dully.
"As am I, brother," its blue twin, Rudra replied.
"We know, you have been informing us of your predicament for several years now," the low, bestial voice of Cerberus growled from the nunchaku.
"It is not our fault that Master Dante does not wish to use us in his quests," Agni defended.
"Indeed, we have no idea why he continues to neglect us," Rudra added.
"I think I have a fair idea," Cerberus muttered softly. "Still, I cannot help but wonder about this last mission that Dante has taken. I saw the blonde demoness disappear with Sparda's sword, and that other woman mentioned him by name. She seemed rather concerned as well," he continued pensively.
"Indeed she did," Nevan's sultry voice drifted from the demonic guitar. "However, that is not the only thing I noticed about her. I rather enjoyed her attire, and even from here I saw that Dante was peering down her shirt. Men are so predictable like that." Cerberus gave a derisive snort, or a sound similar to it, considering that he no longer had lungs to breathe with.
"Typical of you, succubus," the Ice Guardian deadpanned. "You would be willing to mate with anything with a heartbeat, and some things without."
"Aww, Cerby, are we jealous?" Nevan cooed, making no attempt to deny her companion's accusation.
"Hardly," Cerberus scoffed. "I prefer my bitches to have at least four legs. And do not call me 'Cerby,' it is a crude and humiliating abbreviation of my name."
"Hopefully, Master Dante will bring a new companion for us to speak with," Agni said, rejoining the conversation.
"Indeed, it has grown boring talking to the same people over and over again for so long," Rudra agreed.
"If I have to listen to you two ramble more than you already do, I may find myself mutinying against the bastard spawn of Sparda," Beowulf grumbled, his deep and thunderous voice rattling the glass panes.
"That is no surprise, you have always hated him," Agni said defensively.
"Indeed, what quarrel do you have with him, Beowulf?" Rudra questioned.
"What quarrel do I have with Dante, son of Sparda?" Beowulf asked slowly. If he still had his body, he would have been trembling with rage. "Firstly, Sparda sealed me away in Temen-Ni-Gru to keep his own kind from spewing forth and killing his little mortal pet, a task that he ultimately failed at. Secondly, his bastard half-breed spawn--" the silver gauntlets ranted before Rudra cut him off.
"Actually, since Sparda married his lover before he sired Master Dante and his brother, then he is not a bastard," the blue sword interrupted.
"Indeed, Rudra is correct," Agni confirmed. "Really, Beowulf, a demon of your age should know these things by now."
"DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!" Beowulf bellowed, his voice rattling the display case, as well as a nearby table lamp. "As I was saying," he continued in a slightly calmer voice, "Sparda's son blinded and humiliated me. Thirdly, his twin brother eviscerated by body, turning me into this form, and then had the audacity to beat my fallen body with me! And finally, I was defeated in battle yet again, and now I am trapped here in this glass box with the likes of you for the rest of eternity! So yes, I have a quarrel with Dante, son of Sparda!" Beowulf raged. For a long, tense minute, no words were exchanged between the demons.
"You know," Nevan said, finally breaking the silence, "I don't think I've ever extended my services to you. It probably would have relieved a lot of your current tension, although it's a bit too late now, given our current situations."
"Ugh," Cerberus groaned in disgust. "Do you think of nothing but mating with every being that crosses your path, Nevan?"
"Not really," Nevan said, feigning innocence. "Besides, it's boring in here, and it's hard not to when that stud of a demon walks by every day and I can't do anything about it because I'm a guitar stuck in this damn case!"
"I give up," Cerberus groaned. If he had arms, he would be throwing them up in the air in exasperation. "I no longer wish to participate in this conversation."
"Nor do I," Beowulf concurred before falling silent himself. Nevan sighed loudly before saying that she was done as well, leaving Agni and Rudra alone.
"Brother, did Nevan just SIGH?" Rudra asked his brother curiously.
"Yes, I believe she did," Agni confirmed.
"You know, you never did explain to me what a SIGH was," Rudra reminded his brother of a conversation that they had never completed from years before.
"Well, you see, Brother, a sigh is when--" Agni began before the other Devil Arms awoke and spoke as one.
There you go, my first Devil May Cry fic. Not a literary masterpiece, just a quick little crack fic for a quick laugh. Hopefully you'll find it as amusing as I did.