FicWad

A/N: I feel like I should've posted this a lot sooner, ya' know? My updates have been pretty regular up until this point, and though I realize not very many people are actually interested in this little collection, the princible is what I'm thinking of here. Three more'll be up soon, to anyone who's interested.

Disclaimer: I do not own the lyrics to "Speak for Myself".

Song Used: Aly and A.J.'s "Speak for Myself".


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Fourteen: Speak for Myself
Puppet: Paige Waters


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Do you see me?
Do you care?
You talk about me,
Like I'm not there...

“I just dunno how I feel about those two.”

“Aw, c'mon, Dad...”

I stared at my untouched piece of chicken pot pie, silently listening to the two men, one old and the other young, talk amongst themselves. The food smelled wonderful and though I could hear my belly growling, I wasn't really in the mood to eat anything. The kitchen was cozy and inviting, and though I wanted to feel comfortable in my childhood home, I couldn't help but feel tense. It was great to have my dad and my brother in the same place again, but I sorely felt the absence of my long-gone mom. Surely she would have been able to settle this...

I could tell that my brother was trying desperately to make our dad stop talking to him, but I wasn't sure if that was because he really didn't care or if he recognized the fact that he should've been talking to me about it.

“You remember him, don't you?” My dad, Joshua, pressed, leaning forward toward his son, “You remember what he did to your little sister, right?”

Luke pressed his lips together and flashed me a helpless look. “Yeah...”

“He's not like that anymore!” I blurted out.

Don't get a word in,
When you're around,
I bet you don't know,
What I'm about...

Two pairs of blue eyes fixed themselves upon my own. One pair, Luke's, had already been there, but they widened a bit in surprise at my outburst. The other, belonging to Joshua, narrowed dangerously.

I bit the inside of my cheek. I wished I hadn't said anything. But then again, I couldn't let him sit there and think he was some sort of monster. I couldn't let him talk that way about him. Mac deserved so much more credit than that. How could my dad think he hadn't changed a bit since high school?

I had changed. Or hadn't he noticed?

“How do you know that, Paige?” He challenged, the blue eyes that had managed to survive through his daughter and son stern and cold as the ice that sometimes seemed to surround his heart, “You and I both know you like to turn a blind eye when it comes to faults.”

“But, Dad...I...” what could I say to that when I knew it was true? “I th-think...”

'Cause I will, I will,
Speak for myself,
What you see,
Isn't all I am,
I need a place to stand,
I will, I will speak for myself,
There's so much you're missing,
If you cared you'd listen...

“You what?” Joshua was still speaking in that tone that made it hard to answer, “Let me guess; you think you love this boy, right?”

“No!” I wanted to shout back with all the burning, passionate anger bubbling and seething under my skin, “I don't think! I know I do!”

But he was my dad. I wasn't supposed to rebel against him or his rules. Even though I was a big girl, almost done with my fourth year of college in a different country and living on my own, it was still my duty as his offspring to obey him.

“Yeah.” I mumbled, lowering my eyes submissively from his. It had been a quickly learned lesson in the Waters home for all three of the children; do not raise your voice against your father, otherwise you may find yourself in some deep trouble, no matter how old and independent you were. Once, it had made more sense; he had been the tall, intimidating police captain. But now, it was harder; age had shrunken him some, and he was retired now.

And yet, it hurt to think he didn't accept my choice.

He scoffed. “I knew it,” he rumbled, taking a forkful of his own meal in his mouth, “silly girl.”

You suffocate me,
You drown me out,
I'm tired of waiting,
Without a doubt...

For a moment, my shoulders drooped and I flashed Luke a pleading look as if it would encourage him to give me a hand.

I wished Mac was here. He'd know what to say. He'd know how to prove to Joshua that he wasn't dangerous. He'd be sitting next to me and reassuring me with his warm presence. He'd lean over and whisper something encouraging every time my face fell. He'd wrap his arm around my shoulders and assure my overprotective father that he wouldn't hurt me on purpose. He'd make sure Joshua knew that he loved me.

But he wasn't here. He was sick, and that made it all the more upsetting.

I would've liked to have thought that my dad would be happy for me. It wasn't every day that I came home with the news that I'd fallen in love with someone. Hadn't it been he himself who had told me to quit moping and find someone nice to share my life with just my last visit?

I feel I'm fading,
I flicker out,
My heart is screaming,
Without a sound...

“Ya' know what? I think we should talk about something else.” Luke offered neutrally, casually taking a bite. He winked briefly at me and offered a tiny smile as if trying to make sure I knew he'd given it a shot, weak as it might have been. “They're thinking about giving me a part in that new show about the -”

“Hush, boy!”

I really would've liked to hear what my brother had to say. Anything other than Mac and his 'dangerous' escapades when he and I were younger. It had only been once. He had only wanted a kiss. I let him have it. I let him be a little rough. I hadn't pushed him away. I hadn't fought back. I had had just as much of a part in it as he did. And it had just been that once...

My brother's face twisted into a furious, hurt expression at the derogatory substitute for his name. He hated being treated like a child just as much, if not more than I did. “Why should I?” He was far more willing to incur the wrath of our firm-handed father than I was, “You're making a big deal out of nothing, Dad. Why can't you just let it go for now so we can have a nice family dinner, like you wanted?”

Had my heart not been so cowed, I would've cheered him on. Leave it to Luke to give a voice to the voiceless.

“Not important?”

'Cause I will, I will,
Speak for myself,
What you see,
Isn't all I am,
I need a place to stand,
I will, I will speak for myself,
There's so much you're missing,
If you cared you'd listen...

But now Joshua had two times the adversity, making his intensity heighten at least two fold. “How can you say that it's not important?”

“I'm not saying it's not important,” Luke retorted with all the bluntness that I had come to expect since the first few years of my life, “I'm just saying that I think we should talk about this some other time! I don't like being dragged into the middle of this, ya' know.”

Selfish, but honest.

Joshua's pale eyes glittered as if he was actually enjoying the standoff as he glanced from his son to his daughter. “Even so, I seem to recall you weren't that shy about it then...”

I'm not sorry for who I am,
Take it or leave it,
It's my time to take a stand,
Throw it or keep it,
Now that I don't need to understand,
Won't say it again...

Something inside me snapped. I could almost hear it. A fire that have been dangerously close to fading out only moments before sprung up in my heart. Like a slave beaten by his cruel masters, a soul could only take so much abuse before it became rebellious. I no longer felt fear; righteous indignation, anger, and hurt became my weapons of choice. Joshua Waters had just crossed the line.

I stood up straight, the force of the sudden action pushing my chair back with a startling squeak. “That's it, then,” I said rather simply, dropping a pair of heavy hands on the table, the silverware clinking together, “you don't like it. That's fine.”

Once again four big blue eyes peered wide-eyed at me, both just as surprised as they had been just a few minutes before.

“Jesus Christ.” I muttered, more to myself than anyone else. Was I really that easy to forget?

“Now, Paige, don't you get -”

“You think you still have the right to tell me to be quiet?” I was sure not to raise my voice, trying my best to not make it emotional. I looked challengingly at Joshua, daring him to disagree with me. “That's fine too, 'cause guess what, Dad? I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm not afraid of you.”

His eyes narrowed once again. “You're not little anymore, but you're still my daughter!”

(I will,)
(I will,)
(I will,)
(I will,)
You know I will...

“Yeah, I am,” I answered, scowling bitterly at the slight grudging recession of my free will, “how could I forget? Feeling like you're embarrassing Daddy Dearest no matter what you do is something a lot of kids remember.”

A rare feeling of power and satisfaction rippled through my soul upon seeing Joshua's scrubby, slightly wrinkled face become a mask of rage. I'd struck a chord. I could see it in his eyes. Maybe now he understood what it felt like to suddenly realize that a most beloved person saw a flaw. Too bad it was already too late.

As if trying to signal that now I'd crossed a line somewhere, Luke also stood up. He came over to me and put his big hands on my shoulders, his presence not at all soothing as if normally might have been. He spoke in a low, cautious, almost pleading tone. “Now, c'mon sis, that's not what we're talking about right now...”

'Cause I will, I will,
Speak for myself,
What you see,
Isn't all I am,
I need a place to stand,
I will, you know I will,
I will speak for myself,
There's so much you're missing,
If you cared you'd listen,
If you cared you'd listen...

“Back off, Luke!” I snapped, jerking my body away from his hands and disrupting the table even more than it already had been, “This doesn't involve you anymore!”

I wanted to do what he said. I wanted to calm down. I wanted to enjoy the time I had with my little broken family. I wanted my dad to see that I wasn't a helpless little girl without a voice anymore. I wanted him to see that I could handle myself.

I wanted him to accept Mac.

Joshua was scared, that was all. Scared of losing power, scared of losing his sense of fatherhood, scared of losing his surviving children...it was sad, really, but it was true. I wanted to understand that. I wanted to respect that. I wanted him to realize that I loved him unconditionally.

But I couldn't. He couldn't. Our stubborn, unrelenting wills were bound to clash at some point like this...

I was just sorry it had to happen that night.

I raced out of the house after that, leaving a plate full of food and an old man's head undoubtedly filled with questions.

“Paige!” Luke's voice echoed after me in the thick, warm summer night air as he scrambled after me in a fruitless attempt to catch the fleeing refugee, but I ignored it and just kept running. He wouldn't catch me...never in a million years. I was faster than him. I always had been. “Come back!”

His footsteps gradually faded into nothingness. He wasn't chasing me anymore. He'd given up. And yet I still ran.

I'd discovered the ability to make noise at Joshua and, like a toddler who had just discovered that plucking the strings on a guitar made some sort of music, I wasn't sure what had just happened or what it meant. I felt as if I was just a beginning pianist and had misjudged the distance of the keys, creating a new chord but unsure if it sounded pretty or ugly. Was I to be sorry for it?

No.

I will, I will,
Speak for myself.


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A/N: I'm not sure I really like this one. I tried something new here, obviously, and wasn't quite sure if the lyrics fit quite right. It was kinda hard not to get repetitive, too.