Part one in a trilogy. A letter written to Demyx from Zexion, containing his contemplations. Reviews, please?
I often wonder why it is you love me. I'm cold, uncaring, and weak, no matter how strong anyone thinks I am. I'm constantly reading, and you know better than anyone that disrupting me is not a good idea.
Maybe you love me because of the little things I try to do. To be honest, I'm too shy to do much more. Cooking breakfast for the two of us, leaving you little notes on origami cranes letting you know where I am, the occasional sushi tray, coming to the beach with you- no matter how much I dislike it.
It's ever so easy to fall in love with you though. You're easy going, obviously not hard to please, caring, bright; I'll never be able to list everything. I'm not really worth you. You deserve someone to shower you with excessive love until you're glowing.
And yet you love me, and glow for me somehow.
Maybe you've noticed, maybe you haven't, how when I hear you play any piece of music, I stop. Whatever it is that I'm doing, it's not worth missing a note. I always like to lose myself in the music's swirling patterns and melodies. You always play so passionately- I've been moved to tears more than once.
You caught me once, do you remember?
"Zexion, what's wrong?" you asked, almost frightened for me. You had turned sideways on the grand piano's bench as sunlight streamed through one of the castle's few windows to touch you with golden fingers, to stroke the ebony and ivory keys.
"Nothing- absolutely nothing.Your song was beautiful... what was it?" I asked, blushing.
"'Watermark'. It is kinda pretty, isn't it? It's by Enya," you said, smiling broadly. You slid off of the bench, the drawstrings of your cloak jingling, and placed a small kiss on my lips before going back to the piano, and playing the song for me again.
You're so unrestrained, so carefree, letting everything out.All your emotions, whether you know it or not, even if they aren't real. You manage to see my little bits of emotion that I let out, the slight changes. I could have said so much more about that song, but I said two sentences. You caught all the hidden meanings behind each carefully chosen word. You played that song fairly often, just for me.
You might not know just how much I love you. I can't ever really express myself to my fullest extent. I don't like pretending that I can feel like you do. That doesn't mean you should stop though. You do enough to cover my feelings as well. I don't know how you do it. You always have spontaneous moments, and you're always so... carefree.
Like the time you nearly scared me senseless. If I'd had a heart then, I surely would have had a heart attack. I'm quite sure you remember- you remind me frequently of just how jumpy I am.
We were in the library, I was sitting on the couch, and you were laying on it, your head in my lap. You were listening to music on your headphones, right? And after half an hour or so, you suddenly broke out in song accompanied by air guitar. it took me a few minutes to be able to speak coherently again. You were laughing. You said that your stomach muscles were sore, later.
You laugh a lot, have you noticed?
Did you know that you were the first, and still the only one able to make me laugh, or even smile, in this life? You always say I should smile more, and be happier. I simply don't... have much of a reason to, besides you.
The next time I see you, I might brush a kiss across your smooth, soft lips, a rare show of affection, just to see your eyes- your intensely fascinating, stunning, cerulean blue eyes. They are a little mesmerizing, didn't you know?
Or maybe I'll start a passionate kiss, breaking it off suddenly, leaving you hungry for more. We'll end up tangled in each other and your sheets, all because of my catalytic action. You'll run your hands through my hair, kissing me over and over as I slide my arms around you. I'll blush, like always, and you'll tease me, caressing my warm cheeks. And I'll remember that you're definitely not as innocent as everyone seems to think you are.
But that's how we are. You're comfortable where I am not, you are passionate about everything, when I sever any ties to anything that threatens to get close- and somehow you stayed. You are the day, when I am the night, and in the twilight, we complete each other.
Otherwise you'd miss all the Organization's meetings, right?
I know how you'd forget without me reminding you.
For a little while, I tried to fool myself, faking emotions.
I can't anymore. Isn't it sad? It's hard to, without feeling them. I've nearly forgotten... without having a heart for so long.
Being a Nobody, you have to be more physically attuned to the world around you. you can't go by intuition, not truly. We don't even get 'bad feelings' about things.
By now, you must realize that I am rambling. But this is full of everything that I can't say aloud.
Do you remember that night we admitted our love?
You leaned over the back of the couch, and asked me what I was reading. I had moved the couch to one of the windows so I could watch the sun set over the broken, shattered city below, light reflecting off the glass of the windows of towering skyscrapers.
I told you that I was reading a fiction series. You gasped, giggled, and leaned back down. I looked up- it may have been the first time that I was truly stricken by your beautiful eyes that close. Perfect ocean blue, like always. Before I realized what I was doing, I pulled you down to brush my lips across yours. You pulled back a fraction of an inch.
"I love you too," you said, your lips moving gently against mine. You smell like the beach all the time, did you know?You have that... breezy scent. It's hard to describe, since it's likely you can't smell it the way I can.
That was the first time I was intoxicated by you. You seemed to know what I was saying, even though I hadn't said anything at all. You knew every little sign of mine. Effortlessly, you knew. You always know when anything is troubling me, like a mission I had been sent on, or I had simply been thinking too much about something.
I'll never know how you know so much about me.
Perhaps it's from little things that you've gathered from what I've dropped. That's another reason I love you.
You deal with my insecurity, my insecurity, any problem I come to you with. Just as I help you.
Remember that time that Larxene bullied you- and you cried, and wouldn't tell me what happened? How you finally admitted it after a week of my slow questioning? You had been playing your music a little more softly, and I had gotten worried.
"Demyx, you know you can tell me anything, right?" I said softly one night.
We were on one of the balconies, leaning on the railing, watching the moon rise over the city like we did nearly every night.
"Yeah, I know," you said, looking up.
"What happened?" I asked, taking a sip of my fragrant, light green tea in my favorite dark blue porcelain mug. You sighed, perhaps weighing whether or not to tell me.
"Zexy... is it wrong, to try and love the way we are? Y'know... not having a heart...?" you asked, your voice as soft as mine.
"What do you mean?" I asked, looking over.
"I mean, we're just... lying. To ourselves and each other. A-and we can't- how do we know?" you asked, turning to me as well.
"I... I don't really know. I've given it some thought before, and I've come to a couple conclusions," I said, sipping my tea again, "Perhaps we simply both needed company, and recognized that fact within one another. That, or maybe there really is a connection, some sort of bond we've somehow made despite not having hearts, something deeper. Who asked, or told you it was wrong?" I asked you.
"Larxene," you said.
"You shouldn't have listened-"
"I told her to go fuck Axel."
I laughed, picturing Larxene's very shocked expression.
"Good. I'm assuming you simply ended up thinking too much, right?" I asked. You nodded, and leaned your head on my shoulder, sighing contentedly. "Don't think. She's probably just confused by her own feelings for Axel," I added, and ran my fingers through your hair.
"Yeah," you smiled, and snuggled into me. We both watched the moon as it rose higher, pulled by the strings of gravity.
I love it when you're like that. I like taking care of you.
We talked until the moon had long gone, and the sun began climbing over the horizon, and the stars had begun vanishing.
By now, I know exactly what you're saying to yourself- 'Wow Zexy, you didn't need to do this'.
I did. for my own selfish reasons. I feel like I don't do a lot for you. I'm worried that you're going to get sick of my cold aloofness one day, and just leave. I wanted to tell you that I love you, and I need you.
Love vb 1: to hold dear 2: to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for 3: to like or desire actively 4: to thrive in 5: to feel affection: experience desire.
I hold you dear, I feel a lover's passion, devotion and tenderness for you, I like and desire you, I thrive in your love, and I feel affection and desire for you in excess.
It feels good to write it down. It feels certain, as I write it. My pen is sure in my hand, letting the ink flow smooth and flawlessly on the perfectly white page, without interruption.
I love you.
Perhaps when I see you next, I'll tell you- I'm surer of this than ever.
Perhaps I'll finally give in to your incessant begging and sing for you as I play the piano, the only instrument I know how to play.
We've started spending more time with each other, and gradually, one by one, I'm learning how to take down the shields to let in the full warmth of your love.
You opened a new world to me, Demyx.
I love you for that.
Though I still cannot fully fathom why you love me, and probably will never fully understand your choice to be with me, of all people, I love you.
I just wanted you to know- something is going to happen to one of the other of us eventually. Already, the slow decline of the Organization is occurring. It is inevitable.
Just know that my love for you is real.
Eat slower, would you? You're going to make yourself sick or something, the way you wolf down all your food. Make sure you get your room clean by Friday. Xemnas is checking everyone's this week.
Yours with love,
Zexion, VI, the Cloaked Schemer