Categories > Movies > Labyrinth

Snake It, Take It

by ZiggyIsambardMacbeth 2 Reviews

Jareth is having a bad day and there's only one person who can cheer him up.

Category: Labyrinth - Rating: R - Genres: Angst,Fantasy,Parody - Characters:  - Warnings: [!!] [X] - Published: 2008/11/17 - Updated: 2008/11/17 - 727 words

Jareth pressed his forehead aginst his fist, tapping his riding crop against his leg to the rhythm of velvet goldmine. It had been a bad day. He hadn't even made it back to the castle yet but was instead, slumped against a sandstone wall, just out of sight from the two insufferable door knockers who he had no desire to engage in conversation with...although. No, he didn't even have enough enthusiasm for a bit of cruelty. Things really were bad. It was only a day since the "incident" with Sarah Williams and her brother Toby. He wasn't lovesick, not by any means. She wasn't the first pretty girl to wish her sibling away, however she was the first girl, pretty or otherwise who had managed to reclaim it. But he wasn't even that bothered, he had PLENTY of mangy little goblins running around and he had no intrest in aquiring another. No, he was just...put out. I mean you wouldn't be too pleased if you'd gone to so much effort to live up to some stubborn little girl's expectations when you would much rather be down in Soho or somewhere and she had just thrown them in your face. She had ASKED that the child be taken, that's what he'd done. He'd done a favour for a complete stranger and then she went and changed her mind. Not what anyone would call gratefull. But anyway, as I said he was rather put out but that was not the reason for his current state of mind.

First of all he had a lot of cleaning up to do and most of his goblins seemed to have dissapeared and those who returned were drunck out of thier minds, half dressed and several had scrabble pieced lodged in various orifices. The cleaners had also dissapeared down a long dark corridoor and could not be found anywhere, according to a stone false alarm they were still looking for Sarah and the pathetic little scab of a goblin whose name had escaped him. So Jareth had been left to sort out matters on his own. There was also the problem of the broken bridge, he didn't want to think about that...lets just say it was a lucky escape. And to top it all off, a pissed goblin with two Qs and a Z up his backend and a handful of blank pieces crammed in one ear had painted lightning flashes along with idiotic slogans and "biological diagrams" on all his carefully placed carved faces.

So now the exhausted and livid goblin king sat by the wall in a shady corner of Underground, wishing he had enough energy to throw several goblins in the bog of eternal stench and planning what he would do to hoggarse when he found him. He had a few ideas.

"'ello" Jareth felt something moving around the top of his legs. It felt different from usual and it had certainly never spoken before. Good lord, I'm hallucinating, he thought to himself.

"Who said that?" Jareth demanded, looking around alert for semi-naked goblins with lampshades on thier heads.

"Down here!" Jareth's package began squirming again. Increasingly worried, Jareth looked down.

To his great relief, sitting on his crotch was a bright blue worm.

"'ello, Jareth! Had a bad day have you?" The worm grinned.

Jareth glared at him, "Unless you would like a few days in an oubliette followed by a trip to the bog of eternal stench i recommend..." Jareth stopped. The worm was chewing on a sock.

"Where did you get that..." again Jareth was cut off mid-sentence. He felt oddly empty, as if he had lost something close to him.

"Sorry 'bout that" smiled the worm, "I don't get socks much at home." And with that he jumped into the space where the sock had been, snuggling close to Jareth, humming velvet goldmine.

Jareth was rather taken aback, but decided his day couldn't get much worse and it was actually quite pleasant.

It had grown dark and Jareth was lying sprawled out on the ground under the stars, arms behind his head, riding crop by his side, exhausted from his efforts. The worm was sleeping peacefully inside a half-eaten sock, dreaming about feather boas.

THE END

(incase you didn't know this is a complete send up and a total parody, bowie is awesome)
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