- This is just so creepy in all the right ways. I love your style, the way you mix thoughts with what's actually happening reminds me of Stephen King. And how the reader's never really sure if what's happening is real, or just a dream - amazing.
A few things that need fixing; some things seem out of place in the poetic style of your writing - for example:
"I could save him, I could save him......
Damn, Gerard looks really hot drunk
Until she was in his lap, and he wasn't pushing her off. My heart broke."
The thought doesn't seem right in the sequence. If you used different language - 'gorgeous' instead of 'really hot', and got rid of the 'damn' - it might read a little better.
Aside from that, I think it's absolutely /amazing/. It really gave me goosebumps.