in which Satoshi is ill, Daisuke is clueless, and they eat ice cream.
- Very entertaining so far! I'm really enjoying the internal dialogues--several of them have made me giggle out loud. Poor Daisuke...he's so clueless, and everyone knows it except for him! I'm looking forward to reading the other chapters tomorrow, after I've had some sleep.
You use a whole lot of ellipses in your dialogue, which seems to work really well for the internal stuff, but for the actual spoken dialogue, it's a little distracting to see ".....," said Hiwatari-kun. It might make the reading a little smoother if some of them were converted to descriptive phrases instead.
It might just be that I'm tired and misunderstanding things, but this is a little confusing: /but the main difference between Dark and Hiwatari was that the former was content to make a daily trek to admire something beautiful in a museum or gallery, whereas Dark saw something beautiful as a logical reason to remove it somewhere where he could enjoy it all to himself.
"The former" would mean Dark, but isn't Hiwatari the one who's "content to make a daily trek"? If that's the case, switching the order of the names would fix that.
Overall, it's looking like a great story--I can't wait to read the rest!
(#) QueenPhoenix 2005-05-19 12:50:21 PM^_^ Yay!!! Me, with my dirty mind, immediately knew that Satoshi-kun would lick Daisuke-chan's hand if he had any spine at all... and then I found myself sounding exactly like Dark! Somehow you managed to keep all the characters alive and well, lively, like, breathing fresh air into them, since I managed to indentify myself with all the characters... I think they call it empathy or something. Very good! I can tell a lot of hard work went into the fic. ^_^