I thought I lived in a self-fabricated fantasy world, but when someone comes up to you and shrieks like a dolphin in heat that they love you and want to have your babies - that's a new kind of fantasy world I'm a little put off by. Actually, a LOT put off by. And it boggles my mind sometimes.
Somewhere in the back of my head I knew when this whole thing started that being the singer would be a wild ride. I never thought of myself as an attractive guy. I mean, I didn't think I was ugly or anything, but let's just say that many more people than I care to admit have said I looked a little creepy.
I leaned up against the chain link fence and took out a smoke. I was pretty far from the main back stage area. I just wanted to get away and be by myself for a little while. Festivals could grind you up and spit you out sometimes if you didn't take your own personal breaks from them. I sat down on the asphalt. I had on a red hoodie, baggy jeans and beat up sneakers - in other words, I wasn't easily recognizable, and I liked it that way. As I sat there I heard some girls walking up to the building on the other side of the fence. I knew the other side of the fence was the general admission area, but I wasn't quite sure of the layout, or why people would be in that particular area.
"Hey maybe ask that guy over there ... isn't that the backstage area?"
"I guess so. I don't want to ask him, you ask him ..."
I seemed to now be inadvertently involved with whatever these girls were talking about, as I didn't see any other guy around that they could be referring to.
"I don't want to ask him, you ask him!"
I had half a notion, to just say something. After a couple minutes of their 'debate' I couldn't help myself. I turned around slightly.
"You know, I'm sitting right here, I can fucking hear you guys."
"Oh my god, Jenny! Just go ask him!"
So the one called Jenny walks up to the fence. I stayed on the ground and looked up slightly at her while I got out another cigarette.
"Um, do you like happen to know when My Chemical Romance is supposed to go on tonight? My friend over there is like, fucking obsessed with them but didn't check the schedule and since you look like you're actually like, backstage we thought maybe you'd know. I personally don't care but since she won't fucking ask you, well that's why I am."
I was secretly counting how many times this girl said 'like'.
"You're not into My Chemical Romance?"
I just couldn't help myself - I had to ask.
"Well, their music is okay. I think it's just their singer - he's like a fucking creeper. Like, I can totally see that guy like covering himself in blood and crawling through your window or something or I dunno, like just doing weird shit. He's just like dark ... and scary."
Okay, 'like' total was up to nine. That's super. Apparently I scared this girl - and she had no idea that she was talking to the scary guy right at that very moment. Although I'd never cover myself in blood and crawl through people's windows. I thought to myself, 'how do people come up with this shit? I guess we should stop doing photo shoots with fake blood.'
"Well, Jenny, the My Chem singer is really a nice guy, he just likes weird shit."
"You know him?"
"Yeah. And they go on at 6pm, so you can tell your friend over there that."
So she walks back over to her friend and naturally she tells her that that guy over there knows the guy from MCR. And her friend exclaims that she 'knows' because she 'heard her'. I guessed they were probably about 16 or 17.
"Well fucking go ask him, Beth! I'm not gonna go back over there because I already bothered him!"
They had gotten quite again so I wasn't sure what they were plotting now. I had the feeling that I should probably just get up and go rather than be more involved. Obviously, if her friend was 'obsessed' she'd probably recognize me, and that was the last thing I wanted at the moment - to deal with an obsessed teenager, even if there was a chain link fence in between. Still, I sat there, and it wasn't too long before the other girl came walking up to the fence.
"Um, uh, hi, excuse me, but uh, my friend says that you actually know Gerard, do you?"
"What's your name?"
I don't know why I asked. I mean, I already knew because I overheard her friend call her Beth. I was betting that she wouldn't ask mine.
"Well, Beth, I do know Gerard. It's everybody else that doesn't."
I didn't even turn around - just sat there smoking.
"What's that supposed to mean? Do you actually know him or are you just some crew roadie or something?"
"Oh no, I know him, honey. I know the real Gerard, not the one who goes onstage - that's a different Gerard - that one's got more balls."
She stood there in silence for a few seconds.
"So if you know him so well, how do you ... how do you know him, that is?"
"Oh we've been friends our whole lives. Yeah, I've known him my whole life. Did you know he reads a lot of comic books?"
"Comic books? That's kinda nerdy."
"Yeah, he's a big fucking nerd ... a shy, fucking nerd that's able to transform himself into something else to get on stage and sing ... like a real rock star."
I felt kinda bad. I was being a dick to this girl and she didn't deserve that. I could have just stood up, and introduced myself, and probably made this the best day of her teenage life. But I decided to play a game instead and that game was to let one single fan know the truth. Only she'd never know. She'd probably just end up thinking I was full of shit.
I've heard that I actually scare some people. And I was like, 'Fuck yeah. I'm creepy. You don't know the half of it. I'm a dark, moody motherfucker and I live for twisted shit.' Not that I'd actual say that, but that's kinda the vibe I gave off sometimes. And I figured, well that's just fine, because I wasn't interested in being Mr. Popularity. I just wanted to get up on that stage and rock out. I didn't care what people thought.
So for a while I really thought I was untouchable. For the most part, I was blitzed out of my mind, dirty, smelly, and dripping with sweat - oh and there was the 'creepy' thing too - which made it that much more shocking to me that there was a growing legion of chicks willing to throw themselves at my feet. Some of the shit I've heard or had happen to me in the past couple years has really freaked me out.
I was hanging out backstage and for some reason there was an unusual amount of female fans that security, or whoever, let back there. Anyway, I snuck off down the hall with two beers. I slammed one and was well on to the second. I reeked. Even I couldn't stand myself. I hadn't had a shower because there weren't any at this small venue, so I wasn't exactly into doing a lot of socializing. And I really wasn't in the mood to deal with a pack of fangirls. I just wanted to get wasted, then crash and repeat the whole process the next day. I was leaning against a wall next to the door of a bathroom. I could hear two girls talking in there. I knew I shouldn't be listening in, but there was no one else around, so I figured what the heck.
"Would you fuck him?"
"Of course! I mean, who wouldn't want to?"
"I don't know, but do you think you actually have a chance? Like you know, if you went out there and put the moves on him?"
"Fuck I'm gonna try! I mean, this could be the chance of a lifetime! There's like a chance that tomorrow, I could literally say, I fucked Gerard Way!"
"You think he's any good? You think he's got a big cock?"
"I dunno, but I hope to find out!"
"Would you suck him off?"
"Oh yeah ... and stop it, Gina, you're making me more turned on just thinking about it!"
"Well fucking get out there and conquer him, girl!"
Oh god. It felt like my mouth got dry all of a sudden. I could feel the anxiety building up inside of me. I looked around like a scared rabbit. I was way down the hall from the main area. I probably couldn't even have busted a run and made it out of there in time before one of those chicks opened the door. I saw the knob turn - like it was happening in slow motion. I backed up until I felt my shoulders hit the opposite wall. I just stood there like a deer caught in headlights.
"Oh my god!"
I could tell by the look on her face that her first thought probably was, 'oh my god it's him!', but the second thought was most likely, 'oh my god I wonder if he heard us!' I felt like a full on anxiety attack was crawling up my spine but knew I had to say something.
"Um, uh, I just was uh, waiting for the toilet. I mean, I just walked up here like right now 'cause someone said it was down the hall here."
I was babbling, but I didn't know what else to do. Then something really scary happened. Her friend peeked out the door and they both exchanged a look that to this day I haven't seen duplicated. It signaled something in my brain that truly was the, 'fight or flight' response. I started to slide along the wall, but my feet just weren't moving fast enough. My brain went into 'what if' mode, my hands were starting to sweat, and my heart felt like it was doing jumping jacks.
"Oh, well, it looks like you guys are, uh, busy, I'll find another one ..."
They fanned out on either side of me, like it was a fucking military maneuver for them. I couldn't go either way down the hall without running into one of them. I still had a beer bottle in my hand and one of them grabbed it off me - and drank the rest of it. All I could think of was, 'what the fuck have I just walked into?'
"It wasn't easy getting back here tonight. We wanted to make the most of it. I think it's karma that you just happened to be standing out here, waiting for us."
I was in deep shit. It was like that scene in 'Pulp Fiction' where Butch sees what Zed's been up to in the basement and he knows right there he's well fucked and far from home. I happened to glance at the other girl, the shorter of the two, and she shot her friend another look. It seemed like she wasn't fully down with what her partner in crime was suggesting.
"Look, I really gotta get back."
I tried to move and the girl on my left moved in front of me and put her hand on my chest. 'How could this be fucking happening?', is all that kept going through my mind. I knew I looked and smelled like shit and I thought it was pretty obvious I was giving off an, 'I don't want to do anything' vibe. I grabbed her hand and pushed it back in her direction. I was desperately trying to think of the 'right' thing to say. I knew a situation like this could go one of many ways, none of which I really wanted to think about too much.
"Uh, let me just put this out there - I'm not interested. Is that clear enough?"
Her expression changed and I knew she wasn't expecting such a cold brush off. But she was still going to try to give it her all.
"Hey, I don't wanna be your girlfriend you know, I just wanna take up a little bit of your time."
"Yeah, well it was nice to meet you but your time's up, I gotta get going."
I was praying that I wasn't going to have to pry these two off of me. I tried to move again and this time she used both her hands to push me back against the wall. I was beyond freaked out.
"No obligations. Just stand there and enjoy it."
Her friend actually turned away. I guessed she really wasn't expecting it to go down like this. The girl that had me pinned to the wall was actually slightly taller than me and not exactly skinny. Not that that means anything, I'm just saying she was actually bigger than me - don't want people to think I'm that big of a pussy. Anyway, my heart was racing, I just wanted to get out of there. I would have even taken someone turning down the hallway at that point just to break up this situation.
"Seriously ... you need to get your hands off me ... I told you I wasn't interested."
I got my hands up and tried grabbing both of hers but before I could really do anything she slipped a hand down and grabbed my package. I felt like I couldn't even breath. I was on auto-pilot-freak-out mode. I grabbed the wrist of the hand that was attached to my balls.
"I don't want to hurt you, but you need to fucking let go right now and back the fuck up."
I must have unleashed my inner demons just then, because she did exactly what I said. I glared at her and then at her friend, who quickly looked away from me before saying they should leave.
"C'mon, we should go."
The girl just stared right into my eyes as she backed away and didn't say one more god damn thing. It was as if she saw something in my eyes that rattled her core. They both turned and quickly walked back down the hall. I took the opportunity to get into the bathroom. I locked the door and then slid down the wall until my ass hit the floor. I was shaking.
I didn't want to face it. I didn't want everything that came along with being the 'front man'. I had zero interest in groupies and all that shit that seemed so ingrained into 'rock'n'roll'. I just wanted to make music, create art, play fucking video games, hang out with my friends, see my girlfriend and family every now and then - pretty normal shit. But now I was the, 'lead singer of My Chemical Romance'. Things happened real fast and I had to suck it down. Some days I was better at sucking than others. Some days my virtual gag reflex made me just want to puke out what my real feelings were. And then I'd get to be a giant prick again. Fun.
It sometimes seemed easy for me to put myself in the shoes of some of our fans - mainly because I'd been out there where they are, on the 'other side' - rocking out to my favorite band, wishing I could meet them ... whatever. But I wished for two seconds that some people could understand what it was like to be me.
A/N: Actually, it's a very short story wrapped around two "moments" told through flashbacks. Just a bit of an experiment on my part ... I'm kinda into flashbacks lately. And if you notice, I deliberately left out whatever it was that happened that started the inner dialog -- "It wasn't the first time ...". I do that a lot in other writing - I feel it's just not important sometimes. Sometimes stuff just happens and you don't need to do a whole back story to get the point across. The real "points" are the flashbacks of course, and how those events added to the emotions currently in play. Not like you guys wouldn't "get" that ... I just felt like typing that out! Heh.
Actually I've thought about this one more after getting a few reviews (and doing responses to those reviews) ...
In regard to the second flashback - you know, if I hadn't had a similar experience myself, I can't say for sure I'd really understand what so many women have to put up with ... but I can at least say that from my perspective the emotions are really fucked up. I didn't want to feel "helpless", but I still did. When some girl you don't know (and don't WANT to know) has a hold of you like that and isn't letting go ... well, you just like, freeze as well as freak out. I honestly don't think it's the same as if some guy grabbed a girl's boobs or something ... as far as I know, you probably couldn't pass out from pain or potentially get really injured if that guy started twisting and squeezing those! Please know though that I'm NOT making light of it in any way - just making a comparison - because although the emotions are just as messed up, I can only imagine that it's still different when it happens to women. It's still the same kind of violation of privacy no matter what sex you are though if someone grabs you in that type of way.
People suck sometimes, ya know ... they just don't think (or don't care) what their actions might do to another person. That's all I have to say.