And he was really only trying to distract himself with quandaries about things that he should leave to the fucking poets. Sometimes he made himself feel conceited, thinking that he understood what persona the moon had taken on. Thinking that the sea liked to rock out to Fleetwood Mac in its off time during the low tide. He didn't understand the nature like he wanted to. But then again, he didn't understand a lot of things like he wanted to.
He didn't understand why wiL got so upset, for example. It didn't seem like that big of a deal that he lied a little about his job. Right now, he wasn't in a band, he really was just a comic book writer. That was his job in his time off, and, coincidentally, this was his time off. So no, he didn't lie. And wiL should get over it.
Gerard sat up, groaning and stretching his arms despite only being in bed for an hour. He didn't feel like sleeping right now, his mind was jittering around in his skull and his hands were twitching. The moon was starting to get too bright and he was thinking about tacking some blankets to the windows. His phone was laying on the bedside table and he stretched out over the bed, over the empty side where wiL should have been, to retrieve it and call Mikey again.
That's what he did when he had a crisis. Call someone.
Mikey picked up on the third ring, which was odd for Mikey because Gerard knew he always had his phone in his pocket.
"Gerard, help. My wife is on the phone with yours and they are being really bitchy about this whole thing."
Gerard winced for his brother. At least he didn't have to be downstairs hearing the things that were being said about him. He could stay up here and pretend that his sister-in-law wasn't evil and wasn't trying to wreck his marriage before he was even legally married.
"I don't see why it's all such a big deal, Mikes. So I didn't mention that I'm in a band. So what? I didn't want wiL to know. I swear, I'm unplugging the internet and disemboweling whoever told wiL about this. Seriously. Or, like, I'll get Frank to attack him. I'm pretty sure Frank would do that for me."
"If he doesn't get pissed at you for not telling him about wiL."
He forgot about that...Okay, so far, he has alienated everyone who loves him except Mikey. He groaned and flopped back into his groove in the bed. It poked him in the back.
"I hate life, Mikey. I'm going to go jump in the sea and be a merman." He thought that would be pretty cool. He would meet an amazing mermaid who had coconut shells for a bra and didn't give a fuck who My Chemical Romance were because they don't have the internet underwater.
"Shut the fuck up, Gerard," Mikey snapped. "You'd better not jump any-fucking-where, got it?"
Oh. Oh. Mikey thought Gerard was going to do something drastic. He hadn't really thought about it. It's not to that point anymore. When bad things happen, he doesn't plan his suicide. If a door slams on his toe, he doesn't go searching for the rat poison. If he logs on to a message board and reads anything pertaining to himself, he doesn't tie a rope to the ceiling. He wasn't in that place anymore. There was too much air to breathe out here to ever want to die.
"I love you, Mikey."
"No, this isn't a verbal suicide note. I just...thanks for caring, you know? I'm not going to jump in the sea, but it's nice to know that there's someone to talk me out of it if I ever need it."
He felt safe. He felt the warmth of friendship and brothership (if that was even a word) wash over him. There was people out there who loved him even if wiL really didn't right now. And, and wiL would eventually get over it, right? They lived together, they can't stay in a fight for the rest of their lives. Things would get better. They had to.
He stumbled downstairs half-awake and half dreaming, his hair sticking up at angles he couldn't have drawn on and his three-day-old eyeliner cut across one of his cheeks. He had dozed off after talking a bit with Mikey, but woke back up to the moon waning pale over his eyes and stinging his nose. His eyes wanted to squint back shut or hide in the fading darkness of the hallway when he stepped into the kitchen.
WiL was sitting at the table, chain smoking. His eyes were closed, the stick between his mouth only barely so held there by his rouged lips. The round filter slipped back into his mouth when he took a drag and let it out without bothering to move the stick. His hands were at his sleeves again, pulling and tangling and picking at the fabric so much that the sleeves barely came down to his wrists anymore and there was a small pile of gray yarn pooling on the table.
Instead of coughing to let wiL know he was there, he slipped into the chair next to the window and reached for the mostly empty packet. The chink of his lighter made wiL's eyes pop open and look over as Gerard exhaled out the window. He purposefully looked down at the table, tracing the lines in the wood until wiL addressed him.
"Vous devriez dormir."
Gerard licked his dry lips, nodding. "I can't sleep without you."
WiL's answer hit Gerard hard. It was one word, but it might have been a soliloquy about how useless Gerard was. He was feeling pretty shitty already.
WiL sighed and nodded too. "Licia said we should visit." His head was tilted on his hand, glancing at the window behind Gerard, eyes flicking back and forth over the grass and the street. His foot nudged forward until it hit Gerard's.
"So she can rip out my spleen and feed it to her cats," Gerard snorted, jerking his hand around at the word cats. He was pretty sure the cats hated his guts. He didn't know why, it was some sort of sixth sense that they had. Apparently they knew Gerard was more of a dog person and that offended them. He kicked back at wiL's foot lightly, thinking with a little wonder at how playful this was compared to how shitty things were.
"Maybe--" WiL sighed, running a hand through his bangs. His tongue poked out at his lips, swiping over the corners. "You should stay?"
Gerard didn't know whether to take it as a question or as--as something he should really consider. It wasn't about the cats, he knew. WiL didn't want him around. Didn't, didn't want him to go with him at his brother's house. But hey, if he wasn't wanted...
"Maybe." The word rung through the kitchen, booming among the pots and pans and other fucking appliances.
And maybe his heart was breaking, just a little bit. Maybe it just wasn't fair that this was all started over something that wasn't his fault to begin with. WiL opened his mouth, ready to say something--but there was nothing that Gerard really wanted to hear. Nothing. He knew it was going to be something like, don't take it personal, or worse, we need space, because they were all bullshit. The thing was, wiL was pissed. And, like a little kid, he didn't want to be around the negativity.
Gerard stood, snatching the cigarettes from the table, intending to go smoke out on his balcony where he could at least pretend that he's happy. He could even take some apple juice up there in a glass cup and pretend that he was getting drunk and it would all go away soon.
WiL grabbed onto the back of his pajama pants as he went by, saying, "Ne faites pas ceci." He sounded like this was all Gerard's doing, the fact that he wasn't going.
Gerard almost laughed, almost. Instead he jerked away and scrubbed at his face, digging his nails into the skin of his jaw. "Do what? I'm not doing anything, wiL!"
"Don't act like this is my fault." WiL stood up, his hand clasping around the back of his chair, his knuckles turning white. This time he wasn't so sure-sounding, there was a tremor to his voice.
"It's not mine," Gerard grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.
"It is, 'cause you waited all this time and not told me! I found out from the computer!" WiL choked, biting down on his lip. Tears started to swim in his eyes, and--this wasn't enough to stop Gerard from inching forward and dropping his arms to pull wiL into his chest, to kiss the top of his head.
"I didn't want you to know, is that so bad? I'm not any different than I was yesterday or the day before, and--" He flailed his hands up, away from wiL. "And now you hate me? What the hell?"
WiL shrank back from his hands, curling up into himself and looking down. "Don't yell," he mumbled. "It is your fault, too. And I don't hate you. I just want to leave."
"Fine," Gerard yelled, turning away.
"Fine!" wiL yelled back, slinking into his chair and picking up his glass of water, downing it. Yelling made his throat sore.
The whole 'Revenge' era, as much as Gerard might have denied it back then, was only his fear of being left behind. Because people were leaving him at that point in his life, and he wrote about that. About. About them dying and the fact that he would never get to see them again. Most of the songs on that album were songs reflecting on how much 'the character' missed someone. If the phrase 'history repeats itself' has any real meaning, that meant that Gerard would continue to lose people. And he accepted that. He had accepted that since he was a little kid, but.
He just always assumed losing someone meant that they died. That he couldn't do anything to save them. Their lives were in the hands of doctors and nurses, and to some people, God. The reason he accepted that so readily is because it put all the pressure off of himself.
Now, now wiL was leaving and he was sure there had to be something he could do. Of course there was. What that was, he had no fucking clue, but the knowledge that he was letting something go when he didn't have to was eating at him as he watched wiL climb down the steps with an overnight bag slung over each shoulder, his face blank. Gerard wished that he at least looked as bad as Gerard felt. Then maybe he would know it was okay to do something about it. Because how did he know that wiL even wanted to be with him at all anymore? Sure, it was a small, stupid mistake, but it seemed to really rattle wiL.
"Hey," Gerard greeted him at the bottom of the stairs, walking forward to place his hand on the small of his back in a greeting.
That so wasn't a response. WiL wasn't even talking to Gerard enough to say hi. He just walked on by Gerard, keeping his head hung low and his hair in his face. Gerard frowned and followed persistently, curling his hand around wiL's arm.
"Stop," Gerard said, tugging on wiL petulantly until he stopped.
WiL sighed and turned around, and just the movement of his neck the few inches up to face Gerard seemed haughty and like Gerard should be happy he was responding this much. He didn't spare any words, instead asked with a tilt of his eyebrows.
"Don't go." And he sighed when wiL's face remained a stone, reiterating himself in wiL's language so maybe it would get through better. "N'allez pas. Séjour avec moi." He tugged more firmly on wiL's arm, pressing into his form with his own and tucking his face in wiL's neck.
"You lied," wiL said softly, but his hand came up to rest on Gerard's head, and hey. It was progress. It was tentative and shaky and made Gerard feel like he hadn't known the boy he was hugging for weeks. "Why..."
It seemed like wiL had more to say so Gerard stayed silent without jumping in to explain himself. He needed to give the kid time to vent, or something.
"I love you Gerard, and. And you lied. Big lie. I. You say that I don't have to share you, but I do, and I can't." WiL sniffled and rubbed his cheek on the top of Gerard's head. "I wanted you to be mine."
Gerard nodded, curling his arms around wiL's waist and closing his eyes, kissing the warm skin of his neck without a protest to stop him. "You still love me?"
WiL snorted, nipping Gerard's ear. "I don't have a choice." He said it so fondly, paired with an action of such affection. It was hard to believe what he was actually saying.
He didn't love Gerard. He really was only doing it because of his job.
"Oh," Gerard said. He disentangled himself from the hug they were sharing in the middle of his living room to sink down into the couch.
"And I need to leave," he went on, following Gerard and, out of habit, sinking himself into his lap. It was normal. It was his normal reaction to Gerard being sad. He didn't know how to make it better other than forgetting about the whole mess, and he knew he couldn't do that. It had soaked into his skin, further than his tattoos could reach, into his heart. It hurt. And. Apparently Gerard couldn't see that he was hurting. He leaned forward to tap his nose to Gerard's.
Well. If wiL didn't love him, why the hell was he fighting this? Gerard didn't want to live a lie deeper than it already was. If both of them were lying, this was never going to work. If wiL didn't love him, couldn't forgive him, and if Gerard couldn't get everything out into the open, their lives together was a lost cause already.
WiL wound a strand of Gerard's hair around his fingers, toying with it, tugging on it light enough not to hurt Gerard. "You're not going to stop me?"
"You want me to?" Gerard cocked his eyebrow, sliding his arms around wiL's waist. He wanted to say it was a force of habit, but it wasn't. He wanted to feel warm skin underneath his hands, pressing into the insides of his arms, leaning into his chest. The warmth moved around in his arms, kissed at his jaw. It broke his heart.
"No. I just want to go."
"I don't want you to." Like it was going to help to say that. WiL already made it pretty clear he wanted to go.
"I know. But I want to."
Gerard didn't want to fight. He didn't, and he could feel it picking up between them. He wanted to end it now, so at least he could think back on this day after wiL left him and know that their last day wasn't just fighting.
Gerard bumped one of his knees up and wiL slid off his lap, picking his bag up and slinging it back on its place over his shoulder. He held out his hand, wiggling his fingers around and Gerard took it, resisting lacing their fingers together or squeezing wiL's hand or. Or the normal stuff. Because those things weren't how it was anymore. This was The End. And it was worse that he could pinpoint this day, whereas when someone dies, it's less expected. It sneaks up and hits so you don't have to keep on wondering and knowing that there's more you can do.
Gerard knew there was more that he could do. In all honesty, he knew that he could keep wiL here just by telling him to stay. By making it a command, but he didn't want that. He didn't want to live with a captive.
"Licia should be here soon," wiL whispered, leaning against Gerard. "You." He took a deep breath, looking up at Gerard and holding his gaze. "You don't have to stay."
"Yeah, I do."
Gerard frowned. "Because if I go, cats will attack and kill me."
WiL nodded like it made sense, like that was the reason they were splitting up and going to be in different states. "I don't want that."
"Yeah," Gerard sighed, tangling his fingers into the back of his hair. "Me neither. So, so you go, and. And Alicia will take good care of you." It felt like Gerard was dying, actually. Like he was the one going away and never returning. But that was so fucking stupid, because in reality he was staying here and doing nothing instead of trying to keep the best thing in his life from leaving him. And yeah, wiL was the best thing in his life now. He had a routine. He needed to wake up next to wiL to feel whole in the morning. Needed to sit at their kitchen table, talking and kissing and smoking like normal people to be able to go through the rest of his day.
He looked up at the ceiling, not really feeling the tears so much as feeling his nose start to stop up. Crying wasn't an option here. It wasn't, he wasn't going to disgrace himself like that. His breathing shook with suppressed emotion, his hands shook, he bit down so hard on his bottom lip that liquid copper greeted his tongue, but he couldn't stop himself.
"I--um, I need to go get some coffee," he gasped, bolting up from the couch to run into the kitchen. The sharp corner of the kitchen counter bit into his hip wonderfully, and he pressed himself against it, trying to block everything else out. He didn't think about how he wasn't going to be able to go through his days the same way he had for the past weeks, didn't think about wiL at all and what Alicia was going to tell him, just. Didn't think. His hands moved on their own, reaching up to grab a coffee cup from a cabinet and set it down on the counter.
He didn't want to see wiL right now, he couldn't.
"What? You want any?" Gerard asked, motioning to the empty coffee maker with his mug. He set to work grabbing the coffee grounds off of the microwave and pouring them carefully into the maker.
"Gerard..." wiL said again, softer this time. Gerard still didn't want to turn around and see. Or let wiL see how fucking weak he was. See that he couldn't even handle wiL leaving to go to his brother's house without breaking down in tears. The mug skittered out of his grip and scraped across the counter top. Gerard watched it halfheartedly, not bothering to scoot it back to himself. He knew he couldn't drown his sorrows in coffee, that was stupid.
He heard a car outside, and due to the lack of traffic on his road, his stomach dropped. He knew who was here.
"Um. Ils sont ici," wiL said.
He took a deep breath and didn't turn around. He knew he should, he knew what he was doing. He heard wiL huff.
"Jerk," he heard, then the front door slamming.