FicWad

It was a dark morning at Cleveland High School, just because it was 7:00 in the morning. Jake Hartline was making his rounds and he got his equipment for English II. The day was so far working out perfectly because Jake’s hair looked good, he was early to school, and was wearing his favorite green shirt, which makes his muscular pectorals more visible than usual. He was strutting in the hall not having a care in the world and all of the horrible things (cough terrorism cough) just disappeared like a box of Krispy Kreme donuts in a room full of fat people.
Jake was sitting quietly in English II, daydreaming about the cross country meet that would occur the very next day. Nothing much was happening; Jake was being a genius by raising hand and getting every question asked right. He was a stud and he knew it. Every girl in class including Timmy was staring at him in awe and couldn’t get enough of his James Bond – esque charm. Maybe it was the hair, maybe it was his green shirt. He didn’t know, and frankly, he didn’t want to know.
Everyone who knows Jake knows that Jake likes a little mystery here and there. Then, all of the sudden, the intercom comes on. Mr. Rockholt comes on, and says in a stern but otherwise plain voice, “JAKE HARTLINE, please come to my office immediately. JAKE HARTLINE, I must see you.” Jake was a little bit rattled at this moment. All glory was fleeting. One question was flooding Jake’s mind, and it was, “Why would I get in trouble? Oh wait those incriminating photos of me that have been going around. Ooooooooooooooh, my perfect day! What a tragedy! I’ll go to Hell, which is also referred to as detention!”
Jake walked as slowly as he could to Mr. Rockholt’s office. It was like walking the trail of tears to get slaughtered and hacked repeatedly, except it was detention or perhaps two, which is a whole lot worse than getting hacked and beaten. Jake entered Principal Rockholt’s office. “Well, well. We meet again,” Mr. Rockholt said. “I’ve never met you before,” said Jake.
“Oh, sorry I must have you confused with someone else,” replied Mr. Rockholt. “Anyways, back to business,” Mr. Rockholt said. Jake interrupted, “Nooooo! I didn’t mean to have a picture of me that looks like I’m smoking a joint shirtless! It was a rolled up piece of paper, I swear!” Jake was breathing hard and his heart was beating uncontrollably.
“What are you talking about?” Mr. Rockholt asked. “Oh, um… um… nothing at all,” Jake answered. Mr. Rockholt continued, saying “You are not in trouble. In fact, I just read your truly amazing piece of grade–A American literature titled ‘Journal #2’!” “What?” Jake asked. “You, to me, have reached the level of writing which I call Shakesperean. The way you described your cross country meet, it… it was beautiful. After I read your work I was sweating because I felt like I was running in that eventful race” Mr. Rockholt said.
“Well, I’m no Stephen Colbert, but I do write on the awesome side” spoke Jake. “That you do, and right now I have a limo parked outside waiting for the both of us so … big surprise… you can get a book deal!” exclaimed the jolly Principal. Jake and Mr. Rockholt walked outside and stepped inside the limo. “Get ready, because we’re going to Nashville. Believe me Jakers, we’re going to be cash money” said Mr. Rockholt.
It was a three hour long awkward silence in the ten thousand dollar-an hour limo. They finally arrived to the largest book publishing building in Nashville. Jake got out and said, “I’ve seen bigger.” “No you haven’t” said Mr. Rockholt. The two walked into the building, and they saw someone holding a sign with the name “Hartline” written on it. Jake and Mr. Rockholt followed, and they went into a room with a publishing agent.
All of the sudden, an Arabic sounding man came on the intercom saying, “Dear Americans: my team of all star terrorists has taken over the building, and we plan to do some really bad things.” Everyone was panicking, except for Jake Hartline. A team of terrorists came into the room. They grabbed Mr. Rockholt and fired bullets at Jake, but Jake caught all of the bullets with his bare hands. Jake screamed, “You touch him and I’ll touch you!” The terrorists were all laughing uncontrollably. “Stop laughing you perverts! I’ll go one on one with each of you and teach you a lesson in a closet where you can’t see anything,” Jake yelled.
The terrorists were still giggling like a bunch of schoolgirls. Jake got angrier as he spotted the Michael Jordan of terrorists, Osama Bin Laden. “What is it Osama? I swear to you that I will rip off your beard with my bare hands,” said Jake. Jake unknowingly was handcuffed to a chair while Mr. Rockholt was being kidnapped. “Noooo! You’re not getting away with this Osama” yelled Jake. It took ten minutes, but Jake used his amazing arm strength to rip off the handcuffs.
Twelve terrorists were in the building. Jake knew he had to take down every single one. Jake used his strong legs which he gained from running to get up to the second of eight floors. He took out two terror men with one scissor kick. Jake was still looking for Mr. Rockholt to save him. He ran though four levels and didn’t see any bad guys. It was level seven of an eight story building. Jake looked around, his favorite green shirt covered in sweat, bullet holes, and blood. All of the sudden, 9 terrorists came out of nowhere and started shooting Jake repeatedly with M16s. Jake screamed; “You ruined my favorite shirt! You’re gonna pay now!” Jake then took each of the bullets shot into him and threw them into the chests of evil doers.
Jake was walking around the eighth level, and he kept repeating, “Osama, come out come out where ever you are!” Osama then came out of nowhere and used a chokehold on Jake. Jake then grabbed Osama’s arm and threw him to the ground. “Where is Rockholt?” Jake asked in a Batman- like tone. “I won’t answer to you, you filthy American,” Osama replied.
Jake then took off his green shirt to reveal his wife beater, which resembled John McClane’s, twirled it, and started smacking Osama in the back with it. “OKAY OKAY, I’ll talk! He’s in that dark corner over there about five feet from here,” Osama said in pain. “Thank you, you filthy terrorist. You are coming with me.” Jake said. Osama then said, “I have a bomb that will detonate in one minute.” Jake then slapped Osama across the face really hard, and said nothing more to him.
Jake quickly untied the principal, and he took Osama Bin Laden with him. While Jake was carrying both men on his shoulders, he ran to the very top of the building. Jake looked around, and then he found a fire hose. “Jake, what are you doing?” Jake asked himself. There was only five seconds to go. Jake Hartline then tied the hose to his waist with both Rockholt and Bin Laden on his shoulders and jumped off the building as it exploded. When Jake, Bin Laden, and Mr. Rockholt fell to safety, they were met by the FBI.
“Hello, I’m an FBI agent and I am aware that you captured Osama Bin Laden,” said the FBI agent. “Yes, I did, and I feel like a patriot,” Jake replied. “Well, you’re a billionaire patriot now, because you have found Bin Laden,” exclaimed the FBI agent. “Yippee Ki Yay for today,” Jake said excitedly. After that, a movie and a novel were written in Jake Hartline’s honor. There was also a pep rally held for him because he saved the principal and captured a terrorist.
The rest became history, because Jake never went to school again (for now) after the pep rally that was on national television. Jake still ran cross country and track, just because he could. They say money can’t buy happiness, but money actually bought happiness for Jake Hartline.