Gerards self esteem seems to disappear minute by minute.
‘Nope’ I whispered barely looking at her I just couldn’t, I knew my resistance to let any food past my mouth broke my Mom and Dad’s heart and it probably worried Mikey too he just didn’t voice it.
‘Gerard, eat, do what your mother says’
I shook my head and as usual I asked the same meal time question ‘Can I go to my room now please’
I glanced up from looking at my hands they were red raw from sticking them down my throat earlier to vomit. My dad had taken me out to eat at a pizzeria at lunch and he insisted that I eat a slice or we wouldn’t leave, his bribery wasn’t even quiet either. I was convinced that the family in the booth behind overheard our tense conversation.
Afterwards I felt so ashamed. After eating the pizza that is not after I vomited. In fact purging myself made me feel relaxed, it stopped me feeling so bad about myself.
‘Gerard no, you have to eat something sweetie I won’t let you just starve yourself. Why are you doing this anyway? You were fine three weeks ago what’s changed?’
Oh fuck no she’s crying, don’t you just hate it when your Mom starts crying and your Dad starts to comfort her and he gives you that look, you know the look that just says ‘look what you did now’. The one that seems to make your heart feel like it’s wrapped in barbed wire, and makes your ears feel as if their filling up with blood and their going to explode.
I start staring at my hands again, shit, I feel like crying now. I’m such a wimp; I glance at Mikey he’s staring at my Mom who now has mascara running down her cheeks. Even he looks pissed off with me.
‘Mom I’m sor-‘
‘Just go Gerard sweetie… its fine’
I try to leave the room quietly, I dunno why, its not like I have to be careful not to disturb them or something. I just feel ashamed that’s all, I hate seeing my Mom cry but I guess at the same time I hate eating. I go down the stairs slowly the fact that I hadn’t eaten anything has made me feel drained of all energy; I don’t give a shit though.
Once I’m in my room I just sit there on my bed with my head in my hands taking in the bitter smell of vomit that was plastered on them. I think about when this all started, the self loathing, the starvation and purging. It all came down to a school day three weeks ago when I plucked up the courage to ask the girl in my chemistry class out, Carla Roberts. I hate her and love her now, I still think she’s fuckin hot but at the same time I’ve found out she’s cold and ugly inside. She did this to me, she’s the one who, who…
‘Gerard, can I come in?’
Fuck its mikey come to tell me how much of an ass hole I’ve been
‘Uh, yeah guess so’
‘Look I know you’re goin’ through some tough shit at the minute but you don’t have to make Mom cry like that.’
‘I didn’t make her cry Mikes…’
‘ Urm yeah you did Gerard why have you stopped eating anways it’s not like you need to lose weight’
Yeah I do I thought
‘Do you…Gerard… do you?’
‘Mikey for fuck sake look at me, look I do, I’m fat Mikey’
Shit why does he have to look at me like I’m insane or weird, it’s just embarrassing.
‘What started this?’
‘Yes there is, there has to be. A few weeks ago you were fine. What’s suddenly made you go all weird ‘bout food’
I wish he wouldn’t ask me so many questions, I’m not telling him what happened and why I’m like his he’ll think I’m stupid.
‘Gerard, answer me for God’s sake, why you actin’ like this.? I’m worried about you, so’s Mom and Dad we all are, come on tell me’
Fuck, I’ll just tell him, I mean if I don’t he’ll either keep on asking me or Mom and Dad will send me to a shrink so he will get it out of me and that would just be plain embarrassing
‘A girl I guess’
‘It’s not that girl Carla you like is it?’
‘Gerard you shouldn’t have listened to her, did she tell you, you were fat?’
‘Well, not exactly to my face. She passed a note to me in class after I asked her out at break’
God I can’t even look at him he’s probably trying hard not to laugh.’ You think it’s stupid don’t you’
‘No I just think your stupid for listening to her. She’s a fuckin’ bitch nobody likes her and the guys who do it’s only cos’ she’s easy. Come on let’s go down up stairs and eat’
‘Yeah Ok, I guess’’
He just doesn’t get it does he? He can’t just fix it like that. It’s not like just cos’ I’ve bared my soul to him everything, all the shit, all the crappy problems just fade away. I know I’ll just eat in front of my parents so they think I’m Okay just to stop Mom crying so much but I’ll just puke it up later. Yeah that’s what I’ll do, yeah.
It’s not just Carla anyway normally I wouldn’t care what a girl thinks but ever since I got raped...raped i hate that word it's just too simple, how can one word describe the shit I went through. That was at the start of the month since then I... I just have really wanted to destroy myself. Anyway I’m not going into the rape bit that’s another story and even purging can’t make me feel clean again but it’ll do for now… at least until I pluck up the courage to end it once and for all or maybe even tell someone. No they won’t understand suicide is my only escape.
A/N I'm not sure about this especially the ending. I don't suppose you would review it for me kind reader?? p.s I don't own MCR, Gerard way or his family.