Categories > Original > Drama > Awake(working title)
6. Heads or Tails
“Katharina! Breakfast.” I heard Jane’s voice shrilly echo from the foyer. Amazingly, even though it had two stories to scale in order reach me, her voice still sounded like nails on a chalkboard.
I carefully swung my backpack over my shoulder, stomped down the forty-three stairs and into the kitchen. Waiting for me was the usual half of a piece of lettuce with sugar free, low sodium non fat orange juice. I felt my face twist in disgust at my plate. Jane didn’t see it, but I had a feeling my opinion wasn’t unnoticed.
“I’ll pick you up from school early today. We need to get your session in before my appointment at the salon for this evening.” I watched as she methodically placed the contents of her purse in a line on the counter.
I pinched the leave between my thumb and forefinger and stared at the back of Jane’s head. Was it really possible to dislike your parents this much? I felt nothing but detached boredom for Jane, and the thought of sitting in the car with her for the fifteen minutes it took to get to my high school made me wish I had a bike (or a teleport).
“Hurry up. We’ll be late.” She spoke with her back to me, placing everything back in her purse in her usual compulsive order. I lifted my foliage off my plate and tossed it over to Pinky, her miniature Chihuahua. The hairless bastard sniffed at the lettuce leaf and gave me a sinister look through his beady eyes. God I hated that little creepy hairless rat.
I grabbed my plate and glass (dumping the juice before Jane could see it) and walked out to the garage where Jane’s SUV was waiting.
As Jane followed, I thought about how ironic it was for an artist and a near vegan to own a gas guzzling, pollution promoting sports utility vehicle. The chuckle in my throat built, and Jane looked down at me from the driver’s seat as I giggled.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.” I swallowed the rest of my joke and stared out the window.
“Hm.” Jane didn’t pause to ponder and promptly turned the key. The stereo turned on, and I was expecting NPR or something of the sort, but what I heard made my eyes widen in shock.
“You’re listening to rap music?” I felt the grin pressing into my cheeks before I could control it.
I watched Jane’s face flicker then. She almost looked (dare I say it) happy. For one quick moment she seemed open and willing to blurt her thoughts to me. For a moment, I thought I could identify with them. Then her features smoothed, and she composed the quirk in her lips.
“Dr. Miranda thinks it’s healthy to branch out to new things.” She seemed suddenly engrossed in backing out of the driveway. I let the thought go.
I went through the day without incident. JT was waiting for me at my locker just like every other day of my existence. It had never bothered me before, the rhythm of my life, but remembering my days at the center with Lola had stirred some long dead desire for excitement. I realized that I had missed my reckless choices and the unpredictable outcome that ensued.
I realized I hadn’t been living much since I had returned home. And I needed to live. Badly.
“You’ve been quiet.” JT chewed his turkey on rye.
“I’ve been thinking.” I admitted. I didn’t want to have this conversation today.
“What about?” He shoved the last piece in his mouth and chewed carefully.
I hesitated as I watched him. How could I tell me best friend what was going on inside my head when I knew I would sound absolutely crazy?
“I want to take a trip.” I enunciated each word slowly, carefully watching his reaction. His eyes brightened a touch.
“Where?”
“I don’t know. I was thinking, since its senior year and all that I want to have one last great adventure before it’s over, you know?” I watched his smirk slowly grow and his eyes turn to laughter.
“Uh oh.” He started to chuckle. I was confused.
“Uh oh?”
“Oh geez, don’t get pissed, Kat.” He said between chuckles. “All I mean is that, when you want an adventure you usually end up in some ridiculous situation where I have to bail you out. And when Phil and Jane find out…” He knew the one weakness in all of my planning. No matter how much fun I had doing whatever I was doing, I would pay for it when I got back.
“Phil and Jane,” I spat through clenched teeth, “Don’t have to know.”
JT rolled his eyes and we stood to drop our trays off before the bell rang. He didn’t mention it again, even in passing. I knew it was because my obviously terrible mood was triggered by my realization that I wouldn’t be eighteen for six months. That meant Phillip Devereux and his wife had equal claims against my sanity until then. I shuddered at the thought.
Like clockwork, I was paged down to the office just before my last class. I didn’t mind, I hated biology more then I hated therapy. At least in therapy I didn’t have to participate and only had to pretend to listen.
“Hi sweetie!” Jane called at me. She was waiting in front of the school with both the windows down. I looked around me to ensure she wasn’t talking to me. I was the only one walking out of the building.
“How was your day?” She nearly bounced out of her seat. She never asked me how my day was, or called me sweetie. Something was very wrong here.
“Um, it was okay?” I couldn’t see her eyes behind her huge sunglasses, and vaguely wondered if she was high.
“Just okay? Oh, well that’s fine. Hey! I was thinking,” She bounced her hands around the vehicle as she spoke. I was sure she was on some kind of illegal substance. “Do you want to go get some late lunch with your mom after your session? We can grab a real quick bit at that new pizza place downtown.”
I felt like she was a seven year old begging to go to Disneyland. “Uh. Sure.” I said slowly, and turned to put on my seat belt before she put the truck in gear. If she was incapacitated, this was a great possibility due to her verbal analysis, I would need a seat belt, an angel, and the hand of God to survive whatever mess we were about to get into.
I held my breath the entire way down the highway, nearly flinching at passing cars. Every time I saw a glimpse of shiny metal in my peripheral vision I was convinced it was the end of my life. Jane chattered constantly beside me, bubbling from Phil’s art gallery opening to something her friend Maureen said at the lady’s lunch she went to last week.
I stared in shock as we pulled cleanly into a parking spot. I sat unmoving and wide eyed as Jane nimbly hopped out of her side and paused, waiting for me.
“Sweetie?”
My hands tingled as I popped my restraint and wobbled out. I still felt wobbly as we checked in at the little desk in front of the office. The girl seemed barely eighteen and green as they come. I ran her face through my mental banks, but I couldn’t remember meeting her before.
“Dr. Miranda will be with you in a moment.”
Jane continued to bounce to the row of chairs lining the wall of the small room. I followed slowly, but more observant of Jane. She was smiling.
I tried to recall seeing her smile this long. I couldn’t find a memory of it. She had smirked, or course. Even chuckled in a moment or two, but all of them seemed fake and timed to me. The smile never could reach her eyes, until today.
“All right, Jamie. Just practice what we talked about and I’ll see you in two weeks.” A man, clearly contrite, left her office in a hurry past us.
“Ah, Mrs. Devereux. And Katharina. Won’t you come in? I just need to confer with Annie here for a moment and I’ll be right in.” She waved us passed and closed the door behind us.
I nearly gawked as Jane skipped across the room. This was incredibly extreme behavior.
She sat on the hideous green couch and padded the cushion next to her. I walked over and sat next to her, doing my best not to lean away. I tried to think of something to do with my hands besides twiddle my thumbs, but I didn’t come up with much.
I fixated my attention on the interior of the office. The couch matched the pattern on the carpet both the couch and my shrink’s chair rested on. Beyond where Jane and I sat, there was a large sized desk with a laptop resting on top of it.
“Terribly sorry for the wait.” Dr. Miranda strolled quickly across the wood flooring. This room was entirely too trendy and deliberately coordinated for me.
“So.” Her heels clicked over the wood again before becoming muffled thud on the carpet. “Last week we were talking about…” She trailed off, scanning her notes. She flipped her page over, scanned it, and then looked back again.
I glanced over and saw that her smile had faded to a pleasant smirk. What the hell was she so happy about?
“I believe in our last joint session, your mother was discussing how your relationship has been since your incident.”
I shifted uncomfortably. Dr. Miranda crossed her legs. Jane set her purse on the floor between her feet—something I had never seen her do before.
“She’s my only daughter.” Jane nearly sighed the words. I stared at the pattern in the carpet. I traced the art pattern around the edge and into the center.
“Katharina how do you feel about your mother’s statement?” Huh? I blinked and looked at the pair of them, angling their bodies towards me. Awaiting my answer.
I opened my mouth, then shut it. I hadn’t said a single word in any session so far, why was I going to give in now? It wasn’t my choosing to be in this room with its expensive décor and matching theme. I wouldn’t matter what I said now, it wasn’t going to change being here, or who put me here.
“Sweetheart.” Jane nudged me gently. Her eyes were patient, not at all the forceful prying eyes I was used to.
“Why do you keep calling me that?” My own voice sounded foreign. My eyes bounced from my shrink to my mom. Both jumped a little as the words came out.
“Well, I…I guess I don’t know.” The smile that had been on her face all day sank into a blank, detached mask. She turned her head away for a moment.
“This is wonderful. This is very good. Now, Katharina—” The shrink turned empathically towards me, “How does that make you feel when Jane draws in and gives up?”
I looked at the woman in her fancy business suit and her stylish reading glasses for a long time. My eyes began to sting as I fought my sudden urge to tear. I bit my bottom lip and turned to bury my gaze in the shag carpet once more.
“We’re sending you to another center. I feel that you are not cooperating with your therapy, nor do you have any intention to. The only way for you to get better is to work on it. Your father and I have tried to help you on a better path but maybe you need more than just us to keep going.” Jane turned to me then, and I saw behind the tears in her eyes, the true intent. She was faking it. If she could convince my shrink that I was a deliberate juvenile delinquent and that it was killing her to send me away, she would win.
And I would go to Hell House.
“I see.” Dr. Miranda scribbled more on her pad, and then looked at me expectantly. I knew I had lost.
“Katharina! Breakfast.” I heard Jane’s voice shrilly echo from the foyer. Amazingly, even though it had two stories to scale in order reach me, her voice still sounded like nails on a chalkboard.
I carefully swung my backpack over my shoulder, stomped down the forty-three stairs and into the kitchen. Waiting for me was the usual half of a piece of lettuce with sugar free, low sodium non fat orange juice. I felt my face twist in disgust at my plate. Jane didn’t see it, but I had a feeling my opinion wasn’t unnoticed.
“I’ll pick you up from school early today. We need to get your session in before my appointment at the salon for this evening.” I watched as she methodically placed the contents of her purse in a line on the counter.
I pinched the leave between my thumb and forefinger and stared at the back of Jane’s head. Was it really possible to dislike your parents this much? I felt nothing but detached boredom for Jane, and the thought of sitting in the car with her for the fifteen minutes it took to get to my high school made me wish I had a bike (or a teleport).
“Hurry up. We’ll be late.” She spoke with her back to me, placing everything back in her purse in her usual compulsive order. I lifted my foliage off my plate and tossed it over to Pinky, her miniature Chihuahua. The hairless bastard sniffed at the lettuce leaf and gave me a sinister look through his beady eyes. God I hated that little creepy hairless rat.
I grabbed my plate and glass (dumping the juice before Jane could see it) and walked out to the garage where Jane’s SUV was waiting.
As Jane followed, I thought about how ironic it was for an artist and a near vegan to own a gas guzzling, pollution promoting sports utility vehicle. The chuckle in my throat built, and Jane looked down at me from the driver’s seat as I giggled.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.” I swallowed the rest of my joke and stared out the window.
“Hm.” Jane didn’t pause to ponder and promptly turned the key. The stereo turned on, and I was expecting NPR or something of the sort, but what I heard made my eyes widen in shock.
“You’re listening to rap music?” I felt the grin pressing into my cheeks before I could control it.
I watched Jane’s face flicker then. She almost looked (dare I say it) happy. For one quick moment she seemed open and willing to blurt her thoughts to me. For a moment, I thought I could identify with them. Then her features smoothed, and she composed the quirk in her lips.
“Dr. Miranda thinks it’s healthy to branch out to new things.” She seemed suddenly engrossed in backing out of the driveway. I let the thought go.
I went through the day without incident. JT was waiting for me at my locker just like every other day of my existence. It had never bothered me before, the rhythm of my life, but remembering my days at the center with Lola had stirred some long dead desire for excitement. I realized that I had missed my reckless choices and the unpredictable outcome that ensued.
I realized I hadn’t been living much since I had returned home. And I needed to live. Badly.
“You’ve been quiet.” JT chewed his turkey on rye.
“I’ve been thinking.” I admitted. I didn’t want to have this conversation today.
“What about?” He shoved the last piece in his mouth and chewed carefully.
I hesitated as I watched him. How could I tell me best friend what was going on inside my head when I knew I would sound absolutely crazy?
“I want to take a trip.” I enunciated each word slowly, carefully watching his reaction. His eyes brightened a touch.
“Where?”
“I don’t know. I was thinking, since its senior year and all that I want to have one last great adventure before it’s over, you know?” I watched his smirk slowly grow and his eyes turn to laughter.
“Uh oh.” He started to chuckle. I was confused.
“Uh oh?”
“Oh geez, don’t get pissed, Kat.” He said between chuckles. “All I mean is that, when you want an adventure you usually end up in some ridiculous situation where I have to bail you out. And when Phil and Jane find out…” He knew the one weakness in all of my planning. No matter how much fun I had doing whatever I was doing, I would pay for it when I got back.
“Phil and Jane,” I spat through clenched teeth, “Don’t have to know.”
JT rolled his eyes and we stood to drop our trays off before the bell rang. He didn’t mention it again, even in passing. I knew it was because my obviously terrible mood was triggered by my realization that I wouldn’t be eighteen for six months. That meant Phillip Devereux and his wife had equal claims against my sanity until then. I shuddered at the thought.
Like clockwork, I was paged down to the office just before my last class. I didn’t mind, I hated biology more then I hated therapy. At least in therapy I didn’t have to participate and only had to pretend to listen.
“Hi sweetie!” Jane called at me. She was waiting in front of the school with both the windows down. I looked around me to ensure she wasn’t talking to me. I was the only one walking out of the building.
“How was your day?” She nearly bounced out of her seat. She never asked me how my day was, or called me sweetie. Something was very wrong here.
“Um, it was okay?” I couldn’t see her eyes behind her huge sunglasses, and vaguely wondered if she was high.
“Just okay? Oh, well that’s fine. Hey! I was thinking,” She bounced her hands around the vehicle as she spoke. I was sure she was on some kind of illegal substance. “Do you want to go get some late lunch with your mom after your session? We can grab a real quick bit at that new pizza place downtown.”
I felt like she was a seven year old begging to go to Disneyland. “Uh. Sure.” I said slowly, and turned to put on my seat belt before she put the truck in gear. If she was incapacitated, this was a great possibility due to her verbal analysis, I would need a seat belt, an angel, and the hand of God to survive whatever mess we were about to get into.
I held my breath the entire way down the highway, nearly flinching at passing cars. Every time I saw a glimpse of shiny metal in my peripheral vision I was convinced it was the end of my life. Jane chattered constantly beside me, bubbling from Phil’s art gallery opening to something her friend Maureen said at the lady’s lunch she went to last week.
I stared in shock as we pulled cleanly into a parking spot. I sat unmoving and wide eyed as Jane nimbly hopped out of her side and paused, waiting for me.
“Sweetie?”
My hands tingled as I popped my restraint and wobbled out. I still felt wobbly as we checked in at the little desk in front of the office. The girl seemed barely eighteen and green as they come. I ran her face through my mental banks, but I couldn’t remember meeting her before.
“Dr. Miranda will be with you in a moment.”
Jane continued to bounce to the row of chairs lining the wall of the small room. I followed slowly, but more observant of Jane. She was smiling.
I tried to recall seeing her smile this long. I couldn’t find a memory of it. She had smirked, or course. Even chuckled in a moment or two, but all of them seemed fake and timed to me. The smile never could reach her eyes, until today.
“All right, Jamie. Just practice what we talked about and I’ll see you in two weeks.” A man, clearly contrite, left her office in a hurry past us.
“Ah, Mrs. Devereux. And Katharina. Won’t you come in? I just need to confer with Annie here for a moment and I’ll be right in.” She waved us passed and closed the door behind us.
I nearly gawked as Jane skipped across the room. This was incredibly extreme behavior.
She sat on the hideous green couch and padded the cushion next to her. I walked over and sat next to her, doing my best not to lean away. I tried to think of something to do with my hands besides twiddle my thumbs, but I didn’t come up with much.
I fixated my attention on the interior of the office. The couch matched the pattern on the carpet both the couch and my shrink’s chair rested on. Beyond where Jane and I sat, there was a large sized desk with a laptop resting on top of it.
“Terribly sorry for the wait.” Dr. Miranda strolled quickly across the wood flooring. This room was entirely too trendy and deliberately coordinated for me.
“So.” Her heels clicked over the wood again before becoming muffled thud on the carpet. “Last week we were talking about…” She trailed off, scanning her notes. She flipped her page over, scanned it, and then looked back again.
I glanced over and saw that her smile had faded to a pleasant smirk. What the hell was she so happy about?
“I believe in our last joint session, your mother was discussing how your relationship has been since your incident.”
I shifted uncomfortably. Dr. Miranda crossed her legs. Jane set her purse on the floor between her feet—something I had never seen her do before.
“She’s my only daughter.” Jane nearly sighed the words. I stared at the pattern in the carpet. I traced the art pattern around the edge and into the center.
“Katharina how do you feel about your mother’s statement?” Huh? I blinked and looked at the pair of them, angling their bodies towards me. Awaiting my answer.
I opened my mouth, then shut it. I hadn’t said a single word in any session so far, why was I going to give in now? It wasn’t my choosing to be in this room with its expensive décor and matching theme. I wouldn’t matter what I said now, it wasn’t going to change being here, or who put me here.
“Sweetheart.” Jane nudged me gently. Her eyes were patient, not at all the forceful prying eyes I was used to.
“Why do you keep calling me that?” My own voice sounded foreign. My eyes bounced from my shrink to my mom. Both jumped a little as the words came out.
“Well, I…I guess I don’t know.” The smile that had been on her face all day sank into a blank, detached mask. She turned her head away for a moment.
“This is wonderful. This is very good. Now, Katharina—” The shrink turned empathically towards me, “How does that make you feel when Jane draws in and gives up?”
I looked at the woman in her fancy business suit and her stylish reading glasses for a long time. My eyes began to sting as I fought my sudden urge to tear. I bit my bottom lip and turned to bury my gaze in the shag carpet once more.
“We’re sending you to another center. I feel that you are not cooperating with your therapy, nor do you have any intention to. The only way for you to get better is to work on it. Your father and I have tried to help you on a better path but maybe you need more than just us to keep going.” Jane turned to me then, and I saw behind the tears in her eyes, the true intent. She was faking it. If she could convince my shrink that I was a deliberate juvenile delinquent and that it was killing her to send me away, she would win.
And I would go to Hell House.
“I see.” Dr. Miranda scribbled more on her pad, and then looked at me expectantly. I knew I had lost.
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