Rydon :: and you never see the lonely me at all. You're too lonely yourself.
lyrics from the ever amazing Placebo]
You come across impure
I didn't mean it
you're goddamn immature
I didn't mean it
you act so insecure
I didn't mean it
you hate me now I'm sure
I didn't mean it
The silence that followed the two young men as they entered the room was almost deafening. Deep shadows were cast and the room was shrouded in general darkness so as they stumbled to find the light switch, they managed to trip over everything imaginable including a pair of shoes, an umbrella with a hideous pattern that no-one could remember buying and Brendon's radio that he had refused to move before they had went out, stating that no-one would fall over it as anyone with eyes could see it. It was Brendon, ironically, who managed to fall over it.
Finally they managed to grope their way to the bedroom and slammed the door shut, before the taller of the two, by only a slight inch or so, were pinned up against the closed doors. Lips crashed upon his almost desperately , as if they had been starved for a long time , and he couldn't help but smile as he kissed back just as fiercely , like it would be his last time , which he dreaded each time Brendon kissed him like this. It was always passionate, always full of vigour and excitement, and Ryan couldn't help but think none other kiss could be as good as that one. But Brendon always managed to surprise him again.
He knew, somehow, that this wasn't right. That it shouldn't be this way. They shouldn't have to resort to sneaking to each other's rooms in the dead of night before they could touch one another again , for even slight brushes against the skin was enough to make Ryan long for more , and though Brendon didn’t mean it, it was almost as if he was teasing him. It was the same on stage. It was just the way he was really but Brendon would always jump around on stage, go nose to nose with him and generally make Ryan irritable with longing. His pants generally got tighter as well.
Even Spencer and Jon didn't know the half of it. Ryan had always planned on telling them, Spencer at least for they had been friends far longer than they could remember and none of Ryan's secrets were unknown to Spencer, though he was slightly unsure about Spencer .Whatever. It wasn't as if Spencer needed to tell him every little detail of his life - Spencer was just so easy to talk to, he was a great listener and always gave the right hugs at the right time. But Brendon had seemed a bit uncomfortable about it and Ryan hadn’t wanted to push the matter. But he would tell them. Soon. It just troubled him how exactly he was supposed to tell his band members that he and Brendon were bisexual - or at least he was, Ryan wasn't sure about Brendon, he had never asked - and had currently been having an affair. Did it help that Brendon also had a girlfriend? She was a bitch at that, she wanted everything her own way, but maybe Spencer and Jon didn't like the idea of Brendon cheating on her with him. It sounded so much worse when Ryan put words to it.
He kissed harder, cramming his lips up against Brendon's desperate for more, and he could almost feel the electricity between them. Brendon mumbled something and pulled him closer, turning him away from the door and onto the bed. Ryan felt his back meeting the bed that sunk in on demand, and he felt the younger boy on top of him, still kissing fiercely but Brendon was now playing with his jeans button, fumbling with it and trying to get it undone but his fingers kept slipping as he scrabbled around. Ryan couldn't help but smile slightly as he found himself helping him get the button undone, their fingers touching for just a second.
The room seemed to have become much hotter in the time it took Brendon to tug Ryan's jeans off and start unbuttoning his shirt. Ryan, feeling rather useless as he concentrated on kissing Brendon, tracing his tongue slowly over Brendon's smooth lips, looked down slightly at the younger boy and unzipped his hoodie slowly, before pushing it off his shoulders so it landed in a heap on the floor. He then yanked his t-shirt off with much more force than was necessary, but his breath was coming in shorter gasps now as Brendon traced his fingers over his stomach, leaving the feeling of his fingers imprinted on Ryan's torso. Finally , after much struggle as Ryan's nimble fingers struggled to unzip Brendon's rather stiff zip on his jeans, they were finally naked and Brendon was on top of Ryan kissing him with some sort of new found desperation and his fingers were slowly moving down to the lower area of Ryan's body whilst he kissed back just as hard, pretty sure their lips would be bruised in the morning , and hung onto Brendon with his arms wrapped around him tightly like he never wanted to let go , which he didn't.
At that moment Ryan couldn't have been happier. He wanted to stay in this position forever and ever, he wanted to be close to Brendon and hug him and kiss him and never let go, never let go of Brendon to see him shrug on his clothes , grin at him and walk out of the door , whistling a mournful tune. And the next morning, as they squabble over whose turn it was to clean the breakfast bowls and who was allowed in the shower first, they would try and forget about the events of last night, try and forget of the feel of warm breath on the back of their necks and loopy words and hearts traced onto their skin by fingertips, to burn there forever. And Ryan didn't want to have to go through that again.
'I love you Ry.' The words were barely audible but Ryan was sure he had heard correctly. He looked up so his eyes locked with Brendon's and he felt his breath go away for a second , with happiness and joy that Brendon felt the same way , with confidence that now Brendon would decide to tell Spencer and Jon and utter relief that there would be no more secrets , with thankfulness that Brendon felt the same way about him , with admiration for Brendon for being able to say the thing he wasn't brave enough to say , with so many other emotions he forgot to even kiss back for a minute. Suddenly he couldn't feel Brendon's lips on his or his warm breath on his cheek, nor could he feel his hands tracing pictures on his hips or his weight on his legs. In fact, he couldn’t feel anything apart from the sudden relaxing of the bed as some of the weight disappeared from it, and Ryan’s eyes flickered open in bewilderment. Brendon was dragging on his jeans with some sort of determination, his eyes flitting across the floor and looking for his spare articles of clothing.
'Bren?' he managed to ask in confusion as he sat up, pushing himself up so he could lean back on his hands and watch the whole bemusing process 'What are you doing Brendon?' he added, nibbling his lip, worrying about what the hell Brendon was doing this, wondering why he had stopped when Ryan was at such a high, wondering what had caused him to do this. Brendon seemed to be having trouble with his zipper on his hoodie, his hands were shaking slightly, and as Ryan slipped off the bed to help him he shied away like an injured puppy. Ryan frowned in hurt and confusion - what was Brendon playing at? he couldn’t help but wonder. Brendon wasn't answering, and Ryan wanted an answer and somehow he was going to get it. He dragged on his jeans with some sort of super-human speed and ran after Brendon as he clambered around in the hall, silently as if he wanted to get away.
'Brendon!' he said again in some sort of desperation, wanting Brendon to come back and lay on top of him again and make him feel like the luckiest guy in the world again. The shadowed figure that was Brendon froze at the door, and for a few seconds Ryan thought hopefully that he was going to com back. But he shook his head and as he turned the handle, thrust his body against the stiff door and walked away, Ryan couldn’t help but feel completely hopeless, confused and utterly crushed.
In the few seconds after his surprising statement, Brendon had hoped Ryan would answer. He had watched him as his eyes had grown wider and he had stopped kissing him back and he realised it was hopeless. He interpreted his silence for utter disgust and now Brendon understood - or at least he thought he did - : Ryan had only meant this as an affair of sorts, as a fling - not, as Brendon had hoped, as a full time thing. He had hoped Ryan would feel the same way about him but it was stupid to think that , for Ryan was an amazing guy who had every girl he could ever want and more desperate to at least meet him and Brendon surely wasn't up to his standards.
As he had thrust on his clothes and walked out, he had been shaking so bad he had wondered whether he was even going to make it to the door. It had been hard enough trying to get his bloody button done up for God's sake. But he had managed to and he even managed to get halfway down the corridor, starting to make his way back to his own room or at least Spencer or Jon's, before he leant against the wall and tried to slow down his quickened breath. He sniffed slightly and rubbed his eyes, ringing echoing in his ears. He felt slightly nauseous and as he slid to the ground, his legs barely holding him up, he wondered why he had even thought he had a chance with Ryan.
Because he never had. Because Ryan was just so amazing and Brendon was just... Brendon. He tried too hard to please people, tried too hard to make people like him because he was scared of what people would think if he acted like he did. Only the guys in the band and a few people at Decaydance - like that retarded twat Pete - knew what he was really like. He was far too boisterous on stage for his own good and he knew Ryan hated the way he acted but he couldn’t help it. He enjoyed it. None of those people, none of the audience knew what he was really like - he could be anyone and they would never know the difference.
He felt tears running down his cheeks , dropping onto the floor and into his lap , and once they started they couldn't be stopped , running thickly down his face until his vision was blurred with the salty water and he was shuddering and gasping for breath even more. He whimpered slightly like a dog in pain and pushed his head onto his knees, rocking to and fro even more and sniffing helplessly. The one thing he wanted was for Ryan to love him the way Brendon himself loved Ryan, and it would never happen. Never, not after what he had done.
He wiped his eyes on the back of his sleeve again and looked around, hugging his knees close to his chest, rocking gently back and forth, deliriously hoping that maybe Ryan would come after him, come and hug him and make it all better. He waited like that for about ten minuets before realising Ryan wasn't coming and he never would be , he'd never come for Brendon again.
He managed to unsteadily get back onto his feet and made his way unsurely down to the end of the corridor. Scrabbling in his pocket, he realised with a sick feeling in his stomach he had left his key in Ryan's room. Well he certainly couldn't face Ryan now, not after he had made such a big fool of himself. So he made his way back up the corridor before stopping a few rooms away from his own - to Spencer's room. As he went up to the door , Brendon briefly remembered the struggle they had had booking at the place. The annoying thing was, the first time they had booked, they had gone:
'May we book four single rooms?' and the answer had been 'sorry, we only have one single room spare.' The next time they had booked , about five minutes later , he had gone 'Hullo this is Brendon Urie from Panic at the Disco , may I book four single rooms please?' and their answer had been 'Oh yes of course , we have plenty spare!' Made Brendon glad he was him.
He knocked on the door feebly. It was hardly audible but he leant against the door and hoped for the best. A few minutes later, he knocked again, a little louder, but no reply. He leant against the door again shivering slightly and a few seconds later the door was opened and he fell into Spencer's room, landing on his back and staring up at Spencer, who was in a bath-towel with damp, dripping hair and a rather large frown on his face. But when he saw Brendon, the frown disappeared and he tugged him up, looking him over before asking, curiously.
'What the hell are you doing here Bren? It's just gone one in the morning.' Normally, Brendon would have asked why Spencer was having a shower at one in the morning but now he didn't, instead giving a little shrug of his shoulders and saying quietly.
'Uhmm left my key in Ryan's room? And I was wondering... can I stay here tonight?' Spencer frowned again as he shut the door, mumbling something about a draft, and watched Brendon carefully. There was a miserable, downcast look plastered over his face though he didn't realise it, and his eyelashes were still wet with tears.
'Sure Bren....' Spencer finally said 'Are you alright?' he added, though it was quite obvious that Brendon wasn't. Brendon bit his lip before sighing.
'Spence I'm fine. Seriously. I'll just go and sleep on the sofa then. Thanks again.' he walked over to the sofa and sat on it, hugging his knees and leaning his head back against the top of the sofa. Spencer sighed.
He knew Brendon well enough to know something was seriously up.
He knew Brendon well enough to know not to push it.
He walked into the bedroom, dried himself and got into bed, before flicking the light switch off, and falling asleep, wondering what on Earth had happened and why Brendon wouldn't go into Ryan's room.
On the sofa Brendon was still awake, wondering what on Earth was wrong with himself and scared of facing Ryan in the morning
Down the corridor, Ryan Ross was also still awake, wondering what on Earth was up with Brendon and worrying about what would happen in the morning
It was a restless night.